23 Funny Quotes

_____There's no feeling better that this warm air coming from your laptop on your crotch in this freaking cold weather. (funny winter quote)
_____I type my statuses slowly, so that some of you can understand them. (funny Facebook status)
_____I just read that prostate exams are only necessary if you’re over 40… my doctor has some good explaining to do (funny status ,joke)
_____If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar. (funny bar quote)
_____There's nothing that feels more like a slap in a face than someone swinging their open palm right into your cheek. (funny status quote)
_____‎"With" implies the feeling is mutual so 'technically' you're only in love AT me. (funny love quote)
_____My doctor asked me if i have a drinking problem. I said no. He laughed and said 'No, seriously.' (funny status joke)
_____You’re not the boss of me ~ me to my boss right after he fired me. (funny boss quote)
_____When someone asks you where the boss' room is, laugh hysterically then suddenly get back to whatever you were doing. Just to make things interesting. (funny boss status joke)
_____Today I am going out and making the world a brighter place. . . I'm going to throw lamps at people and tell them to "Lighten the F**k Up!! (top funny status quote)
_____Well i had a funny and witty status for the day but due to my terrible attention span i forgo - O SQUIRREL! , i wonder if i can catch him. (best funny status)
_____The worst part about being ME...?? well.. there is none.. i am AWESOME! (awesome status quote)
_____It's not that I hate you, but let's just say, if you were on fire and I had water in my mouth, I'd gulp it down. Unless I'd been drinking petrol. Then I'd just spit on you. (funny hate quote, joke)
_____‎"I can attribute quotes to anybody on here and nobody can prove that person didn't say it!" (funny status quote)
_____If a chick tells you she's "not like all the other girls"....she just proved she's exactly like all the other girls. (funny chick status quote)
_____The better my status, the more Facebook friends I lose. (funny Facebook status)

_____Unless you are alone, don’t ever laugh in the bathroom, it will make people think ur playing with yourself. (funny status quote)
_____I can't make you love me but I can get drunk and beat off to your voice mails. (funny voice mail  quote)
_____I liked you status and now 100 comments later, I hate you! (funny status quote)
_____I LOVE Justin Bieber. ~ People in my block list (funny bieber status)
_____I like my women like I like my windows 98... Always going down on me (top funny quote)
_____I always pull over to help a good looking girl with car troubles. I don't know anything about cars but I know how pornos start. (best witty status quote)
_____I am so broke...if it took .25 cents to get around the world...I could not get around the block! (best funny quote)
_____MARK MY WORDS!!!!!!! - me to my highlighter :) (top funny quote, short joke)
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22 Funny Quotes

____I listen to stranger's conversations and give my opinion... "does this dress make my butt look big?" "no but your butt makes that dress look big!" (best funny quote, status, joke)
_____Forget about wanting a *dislike* button added to Facebook. I want the ability to toilet paper someone's wall. (funny Facebook status)
_____I wish I lacked confidence & talent so I could become successful by kissing people's a$$e$ instead of working hard & earning it. (hilarious, witty quote)
_____I'm very concerned by the fact that I actually understand, and can somewhat relate to, the things you people are saying.(funny quote of the day)

_____You know how sometimes you spit while running and it’s perfectly normal? Well the guy on the treadmill next to me was annoyed (funny quote, joke)
_____A gallon of fuel cost more than my Crown and Coke at the bar, The world has now officially gone to hell. (top funny quote, hilarious status)
_____as long as its not in my a$$, I simply DON'T CARE! (hilarious ,witty quote, funny joke)

_____Please stand back I am a professional. I am a humor status specialist. (top funny quote, funny status, short joke)
_____I don't care if you call me a narcissist.. at least we’re talking about me (funny quote, status)
_____My status would be a lot funnier if I could do it in another font. (funny status, quote)
_____My doctor asked me if I was a heavy drinker.

Me: No.... I only buy a 6 pack 4 times a day.... it's lighter to carry that way.  (short funny joke, funny status)

_____I can never remember- is it two pills three days a week or three pills twice a day. Labels. (best funny quote , hilarious status)
_____If you're paying a penny for my thoughts you're paying way too much. (awesome funny quote)
_____I'm not 'unemployed', I just have earning difficulties. (funny unemployment quote , status)
_____You can't be ugly and mean...Be ugly and jolly or a gorgeous bi**h. (hilarious witty quote, joke)
_____Don't hate on me....because I have the balls to speak my mind (best funny quote)
_____Two things in this world speak of how many loads they can handle... Laundry detergent and pornstars. (witty quote, short joke)
_____The way this fly is rubbing its hand together I'm sure it's planning something evil  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____I've found that left-handed people just aren't right  (funny quote)
_____I've been watching the TV for the past three hours... I think it's time to turn it on.. (funny TV quote)
_____This status is based on actual facts: you're an a$$hole  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____Nothing reminds me how often I'm wrong more than the question "Guess what?!"  (awesome funny quote, best status, joke)

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21 Funny Quotes

____The probability of me having a Good Night is equal to the probability of you wishing me a Good Night.. (funny quote)
_____I don't care to date the most beautiful woman in the world.. I want the woman who makes the world the most beautiful to me (top funny quote, short joke)
_____‎3 Advice for Life

1- never be afraid to say what's on your mind

2- never be afraid to do what's on your mind

3- never take life advices from a facebook status .............. (funny status)
_____I want you to sensually harass me......... (best funny quote, status)
_____I'm nothing like a cat... I have 5 facebook accounts but no life     (funny Facebook status)
_____It would be great that before going to bed life asks us if we want to save the changes.... (funny life quote, status , joke)
_____I made many mistakes in my life recently..If you don’t hear from me soon... you are one of them (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Just got some awesome wheels for the car! Gas is to high to drive it but I can only imagine how cool I'm gonna look when I push it to town. (Funny gas quote, status, joke)
_____I Always make sure to click like on my pics and statuses... I also enjoy a great self high five. (funny high five quote, status)
_____I have to go to court for stalking pretty girls like you - pick up line I will never use again..... (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____If I'm in a bar and a girl asks me where the bathroom is, I just point to my face and wink at them. (funny bar status, short joke)
_____It's physically impossible to be a sack of shit and a piece of shit at the same time. One must always choose wisely. (funny shit quote,status, joke)
_____Today I am thankful for involuntary hospitalizations and psychiatric nurses with no professional boundaries... (funny medical joke, quote, status)
_____Someone once asked me what I thought of apathy, I told them I don't much care for it. (funny apathy quote, status, joke)
_____I'm going to start carrying around a note book shaped like an eye. I've always wanted an Eye Pad.. (funny iPad quote , status)
_____I'm a gentleman. I'll file the restraining order myself.. (funny quote, hilarious status)
_____Girl at the grocery asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I replied "I don't care, I'm bisacktual". (witty quote)
_____girls don't listen to me, which is really frustrating when I'm trying to tell one that we're meant for each other. (best funny quote, witty status, short joke)
_____When my ex left me, she had a lot of junk in the trunk......it was all mine and now I don't have a trunk :( (funny ex quote, hilarious 
status)
_____  If you can't read my misspelled jokes and incorrect punctuated statements then too bad ....I'm still laughing. (funny status, joke)
_____My sense of humor is bein' shaped by people I never have to meet.. I wouldn't have it any other way. (funny quote status)

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20 Funny Quotes

____I'm so hot while cleaning the house I make the floor wet. (funny quote, funny status)

____Its 2:30 you know what that means? That's right... Its no longer 2:29...... (funny time quote, short joke)
_____I did everything on my to do list today. It started with nothing & ended with nothing & I did it all. (funny daily quote, funny joke)
_____A girl can go from a perfect 10 to a modest 4 by taking off her over sized sunglasses. (funny quote, funny status)
_____Well, I have more cavities than I thought....... those customs agents do a pretty thorough job :( (funny custom agent quote,joke)
_____You can tell a lot about a person by putting little video cameras throughout their house. (funny quote, funny status)
_____I don’t have trust issues, I just don’t trust you. (funny trust quote, hilarious status)
_____I was told to always speak my mind...but I was also told if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Do you see my problem here? (top funny quote, funny status)
_____This day couldn't possibly get worse - me, right before being called to work urgently, being pulled over by a cop for "accidentally" showing him the finger, and updating this status instead of using my one phone call to call my lawyer. (funny daily status, joke)
_____Today, I decided to face all my problems head on.. therefore unblocking everyone previously blocked. Let the games begin. (funny status, funny Facebook quote)
_____There is not ONE person reading this, right now, who doesn't need some sort of therapy (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____The thing about dignity and self respect is I don't have either, which is why I'm on f**king Facebook.. (funny Facebook quote)
_____Serious WARNING : Objects in pants are larger than they appear.......... (best hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____The dedication to work is inversely proportional to square of the distance to the deadline. (funny work quote, awesome quote)
_____I can't believe people still read the newspaper to find out how f**ked up people are.. I just log into Facebook. (funny Facebook quote, funny Facebook status)
_____My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her...I said, I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses. (funny Facebook quote, Funny Facebook status)
_____So. I got the boys together last night for a game of poker...........she was such a great sport. (hilarious quote, hilarious status)
_____‎2012 will be the end…of that theory (top funny 2012 quote, best funny quote)
_____Most people don't pay my bills so I don't give a shit about what most people do.  (funny bill quote, funny status)
_____My typical day: 1. wake up 2. realize I have so much to do I don't know where to begin 3. spend the rest of the day on Facebook....... (funny Facebook quote, Funny daily quote)
_____If being a friend was a job… you’re fired (funny friend quote, funny work quote)

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19 Funny Quotes

____A mind is a terrible thing to waste. A dirty mind is terrible thing to hide :D (funny mind quote, hilarious quote, funny status)
_____I guess the biggest reason why every other driver out there pisses me off so much is that I am the best driver in the world. (funny driver quote, funny quote, funny status)
_____I wish I could Google anything. I'd search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY I POD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMB A$$" (hilarious quote, funny Google quote, funny iPod quote)
_____‎"My pen ran out".........."Well go on, you better chase after it.. (best funny quote, top funny quote, joke)
_____I know my profile pic/avatar makes me look like a douchebag a**hole. That's intentional. (hilarious funny quote, funny avatar quote)
_____Its amazing how traffic splits when you're firing your weapon out the window. (top funny quote, best funny quote, funny status)
_____Dear girls who are in a 'complicated relationship. Cut that shit out and be with me (funny relationship quote, funny status, joke)
_____I just read somewhere that smoking pot causes amnesia and some other things I can’t seem to remember. (funny amnesia quote, funny status, joke)
_____If you really want to impress them at your job interview. Give them the sense of importance when they are talking to you and finish all of your sentences with "or some shit like that". (funny shit quote, status , joke)
_____Life shouldn't be about seeking other peoples acceptance and approval! Don't you agree?...DON"T YOU? (funny life quote, top funny quote, funny status)
_____Ever have a day when you wake up and just wanna punch something?..........My brother hates those days... (funny daily quote, funny status, short joke)
_____someone called me old fashioned from a rotary phone.......... eh talking about me duh ..... (funny rotary quote, best funny quote, funny fashion quote)
_____I never question authority because it's quite clear that they don't have a freaking clue. (funny authority quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____If you've ever blamed your attitude on your zodiac sign.. then it's written in the stars for you to step in front of a moving  train. (funny attitude quote, funny zodiac quote, funny star quote)
_____My toilet is half full............................... optimistic plumber (top most funny quote, funny toilet quote, best funny quote)
_____I experimented with drugs so much that my hypothesis of why.. eventually had an outcome of why not. (funny drugs quote, funny status, joke)
_____People who believe that children are our future should also know that some of them are already pregnant and will soon have children of their future. (funny children quote, funny future quote, joke)
_____I love sitting on my couch and playing scrabble....and by "scrabble" I mean "with myself."  (funny scrabble quote, top funny status)
_____Everyone doesn't copy paste status' you know..... some just reads carefully, then types it in. (funny status, best funny status, funny quote)

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18 Funny Quotes

____Sometimes people say something so stupid, I roll my eyes with such force that I actually travel 60 seconds back in time. Then I have to endure your stupidity all over again. (funny quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____Every time someone honks at me 0.008 seconds after the light turns green, I get out of my car and tie my shoes. (funny quote, funny status, witty status)
_____I guess that pearl necklace I gave my wife last night while she was sleeping wasn't exactly what she meant when she said she loves jewelry as a surprise. (funny wife quote, funny status, hilarious status)
_____OK let me put it this way.. If arm hair were currency.. You’d be bill gates. (funny quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____Me to my therapist: Doctor People are always ignoring me............Therapist: Next (funny doctor quote joke)
_____So the truth is, I am planning to break-up with your girlfriend. (best funny quote, top funny quote, funny status)
_____Every time a guy I am dating tells me that he thinks we might be soul mates…I drop him. If that shit is true…he must be one hell of a heartless asshole too. (funny status, funny joke)
_____People get so irritated when I ride up beside them and honk my horn. But they never do anything to me, because I'm super fast on my push bike. (funny quote, funny status, funny joke)
_____I hate those people who takes drugs...for example Custom Officers.  (funny drug quote, status, joke)
_____I invited my girlfriend to have dinner with my family. I thought it went well, but my wife was pissed. (funny wife quote, funny gf quote, funny status)
_____As an ideal student, I think that the time we waste watching TV and do Facebook could be effectively used for sleeping. (funny student quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____What? You're married? That's cool. I'm not the jealous type. (top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____I can only understand simplicity and straightforwardness in people and not their complexities and manipulations ...I am a minor dyslexia case . (funny quote, funny status, joke)
_____If you tell me that you've lost your home I'm gonna' assume you live in a trailer and someone just drove off with it. (funny quote, funny  status, joke)
_____So This time I added 7up to my Vodka.. long story short I got my first Period (funny stupid quote)
_____It may just be jealousy but I can't stand LUCKY Bastards. The regular ones are fine in my book. (top funny quote, funny status)
_____It’s not possible that you tell people that you have a broken heart because then it can't pump fresh blood through your body and you DIE! (funny love quote, funny heart quote)
_____Listen up kids, it's really important that you go to college so you can get a good job and be able to afford to pay for your kids to go to college or pay me back, I'm just saying. (funny quote, funny status, joke)

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17 Funny Quotes

____Every woman needs a guy to listen to her problems.. and it's usually her gay friend. (funny gay quote, funny woman quote)
_____Nothing says 'my job sucks' more than being a door-to-door salesman who sells doors. (funny quote, funny status, top funny quote)
_____Instead of working hard, I like to make hard things work. just saying... (top funny quote, best funny quote, stupid quote)
_____If your tormented by insecurities being my friend is strongly ill advised. (best funny quote, top funny quote, awesome funny quote)
_____If I left you out in traffic, it's either because I'm feeling generous, or someone saw me forcing you into my van. (funny quote, funny status , funny joke)
_____Obviously he's a good businessman, his face is advertised on a bus bench. (funny business quote, top funny quote)
_____I am currently attempting to enjoy the simpler aspects of life because the complexities of life are too confusing to contend with and quite frankly they suck balls. (funny life quote, top funny quote)
_____Any time some one ask me if I have a minute to spare I always sigh and look back at my phone. (top funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____I went to my Girl and gave her flowers and a diamond ring and she had the nerve to tell me "who are you?" (funny love quote, top funny quote, best funny status)
_____Learning the difference between an exotic dancer and an erotic dancer could save you from getting eaten by a python. (funny quote, funny dancer quote, funny status)
_____From now on I will never let my heart make decisions for me, I'm going to let my twisted mind run this show! (funny heart quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____I accidentally said “LOL” today. I think I deserve to be shot. (funny lol quote, best funny quote)
_____One of my teachers told me "repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition" was the best way to learn. I had to have her repeat that for me. (funny teacher quote,top funny quote)
_____I'm going to give cyanide or arsenic as a wedding gift from now on. You know... something she can use later on. (funny quote, funny status)
_____I am not equipped to handle other people's tantrum ... I am too busy throwing my own! (top funny quote, funny status)
_____It was 2 years ago on this date when I did something, I think. (funny life quote, top funny quote)
_____I got my mind on my muffin and my muffin on my mind.

I know.. you're f**kin' shocked, right? ;p (funny quote, funny status, funny joke)

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16 Funny Quotes

____Son, cleavage is like the Sun, you can see it but you cant stare at it. (hilarious funny quote, witty quote, witty status)
_____ the power of the lottery....it actually gives people hope... that is more powerful than the president. (funny president quote, funny daily quote, funny lottery quotes)
_____When you try the "pull my finger" joke with security agents at the airport, they pull the "this guy needs a full cavity search" joke. (funny security joke, funny status)
_____If any of you are stalking me, can you please tell me where I LEFT MY F**KING KEYS? (funny status, hilarious status)
_____One night does not a relationship make..so get out and stop talking about a connection. We connected last night, and the connection broke after the second coming. (funny Facebook status, witty status)
_____Here in Mississippi  we say “here in Mississippi” a lot (funny Mississippi quote)
_____Walks on the wrong side of the road just so i can see what hit me. (funny quote, Stupid funny quote, crazy funny quote)
_____The world needs dirty talking telemarketers. (funny telemarketer quote, joke)
_____What about a shoulder tattoo that says: 'legs go Here' (funny tattoo quote)
_____I once killed somebody with kindness. It was an accident, I swear! (funny quote, awesome funny quote)
_____This day has REALLY tested my patience, and when I say "tested my patience", what I'm trying to say is SOMEONE FIX ME A DRINK. (funny patience quote, funny drink quote joke)
_____Massage oils & candles may aid "the mood", but open flame & oil can also lead to burnt pubic hair which apparently kills "the mood" (funny massage quote, stupid funny status)
_____If this church service goes much longer, I'm totally shattering my Angry Birds record! (funny church quote, funny angry bird status)
_____I am not looking for queen of my heart right now, just a girl in clear heels who likes to do naughty things. (funny heart quote, funny love quote)
_____If you're looking for someone with absolutely nothing to offer, well....I'm your man. (funny quote, funny status)
_____Today the world's most hardest question came to my mind...Should I feel sorry for the people that know me or the people that don't? (best funny quote, funny world quote)

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15 Funny Quotes

____The best way to guarantee that you get that important phone call you have been waiting for is to go to the bathroom. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny status)
_____If anybody is interested, I'll be signing books at Times square  from 7p.m. till I'm removed by security. (short funny quote, funny life quote, stupid funny quote)
_____If you trip and fall hard on your behind and your own child laughs so hard they cry before asking if you're okay, then you have raised that child right. (funny quote saying, funny quote about child, funny status)
_____That banana I had for dinner last night REALLY “hit the spot”! But I don’t run web cam…so you are just gonna have to take my word for it. (funny quote about banana, funny quote life, funny webcam quote)
_____I missed a period in my last status.. thank god I’m a guy. (funny quote, great funny quote, funny quote about period)
_____I saw a guy wearing ' 8 rings. He caught me tryin' to take a pic.. and I'm pretty sure he cast a spell on me and floated away. (funny status, stupid status)
_____If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because someone has been spreading some serious bullshit around. (funny quote saying, great funny quote, crazy quote)
_____What idiot came up with the concept of "going out to work" ? (funny quote about office work, cute funny quote, funny status)
_____My thoughts may be a little manic today... but I'm too busy to put much thought into it. (funny quote saying, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, "How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly? "I said, "Never, I always jerk gently." (funny status, funny masturbate quote, funny doctor quote)
_____If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to stop flirting with me, that will make once (funny quote saying, funny beer quote, funny status)
_____It's sad how I finally poured my f**king heart out to someone special, and all she had to say was, "Do you have any idea why I pulled you over (funny quote saying, funny chick quote, funny status)
_____My wife keeps calling me a f**k up.. I keep telling her that I am not a f**k up, I am just making conversational topics for the judge. (funny status, funny wife quote)
_____Imagine that you constantly have an epiphany but then lose that train of thought. Awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing. That's what it is like to be me but they tell me that my facial expressions are golden. (Awesome funny quote, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I enjoy making relatively simple concepts confusing by using obscure analogies. A bit like riding through outer space on a llama with amnesia. (funny amnesia quote, funny status)

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14 Funny Quotes

____I wonder why actors can’t act clean and sober? (funny quote, quote about actors)
_____I am really sick of thinking and worrying so from now on I shall be mostly drinking and forgetting (funny quote, drinking quote)
_____I really need to workout tomorrow, but then again, so do you. Look at yourself. (funny quote, witty quote, hilarious quote)
_____‎'hold it together'! - me talking to my zipper on my pants (funny quote, funny status)
_____You should like this status because all your wildest dreams will come true. (funny status, funny quote about status)
_____I don't mean to sound easy but, please use me whenever you want. ........Sincerely, ............................punctuation (funny quote about punctuation, top funny quote)
_____Lost a lot of faith in humanity tonight...........Someone got offended from my post. We're doomed. (funny status, funny quote)
_____If at first you don't succeed then your a failure....go stand in the corner loser. (funny quote, hilarious quote, witty quote)
_____It’s so weird how your voice controls my middle finger. (funny quote about middle finger, witty quote)
_____I saw a sign on the way to the shop today it said, "Draw Bridge A Head"...I didn't have a pencil...so I kept driving. (funny quote of the day, top funny quote, awesome funny quote, happiness quote)
_____Don't hate me becose I'm gorgeous....hate me cuz I sit around in my underwear on the computer all day and lie about how gorgeous I am.  (top funny quote, best funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____Making people scratch their head and say "what the hell", just another service I provide. (funny quote, funny quote about employment, crazy quote)
_____Anybody has some statuses I can borrow?? I want to feel how to be lame. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Remember: There's only one you, and for some of you, I thank GAWD that's true. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)

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13 Funny Quotes

____The first person who heard "you look like a monkey and you smell like one too" - must have been really pissed on their birthday. (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote)
_____Lawn darts are more fun when you throw them overhand...at traffic. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)
_____I am a master Facebook event planner - someone probably (funny Facebook status)
_____My psychiatrist told me I have to take stronger medicine to get rid of the voices in my head.. I think he is just jealous I have more friends than he does who talk to me all the time. (funny quote, funny joke, funny status)
_____‎"You can't have your cake and eat it too." -~People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake. (funny quote, crazy quote, hilarious quote)
_____If I was going to commit suicide I would jump off a building with a boom box playing "Believe it or Not I'm Walking on Air. That would at least give the people down below a smile. (funny quote, happiness quote, funny status)
_____Just got an text from a woman. She says her vibrator has challenged me to a duel. (witty quote, hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____I am going on a date with a girl I met on Facebook. I warned her that she better look like her profile photo, or she's buying me beer until she does. (funny Facebook status, funny quote about Facebook)
_____Sometimes it's fun working with golfers. I get to hear things like "I was stroking my balls" and it makes me giggle. (funny quote, funny quote about golf, witty quote)
_____I didn't call your mom a whore..... well..... Okay I did, but that was before I realized she really was one. We're cool now right? (witty quote, hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____I don't like threats unless I'm the one making them. (funny quote about daily life, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____There is a fine line between a social hobby and insanity, some of you may have crossed that line. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny social quote)
_____You know your reputation precedes you when the cops taze you before asking for your license and registration. (funny quote about cops, hilarious quote, awesome funny quote)

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12+ Funny Quotes

_____People say I have no taste... I don't take any notice of them...I still like you ... (funny quote, love quote, happiness quote)
_____I turned on answering machine in my phone... But I still don't know what to ask it.. (funny quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____NO, I did not call you FAT! I asked, "how many cows had to die to make your leather pants 4 or 5?" Don't be so sensitive lady! (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____When someone types Haa Haa, on a post, I can never tell whether their being sarcastic or your actually laughing :-/ (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____There's a good reason why we are not dating, because you keep saying "No" (funny quote, crazy quote, love quote)
_____You look okay ....depending on the light (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____I signed up for a college class studying black holes...................It's not what I thought it would be a about. (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____I am more broke than the f***ing government. (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life. (funny quote, crazy quote, daily quote)
_____It's terrible how much people starts hating you just because you mix up the words "lmao" and "heartfelt condolences". (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____Someday I'd like to be able to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.  (funny quote, funny quote about job and boss, hilarious quote0
_____No officer...... It's not "bribery" if that $10 bill was stuck to the back of my license..... finders keepers sorta' thing... uh. (funny quote, daily funny quote, hilarious status)
_____why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara? Is there some invisible d**k or something that goes along with it?  (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____if it looks like a douchebag, and acts like a douchebag, chances are it is my ex-girlfriend. (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote)
_____I just crossed "have an epiphany" off my bucket list because I just don't know what the hell that is and I'm too lazy to Google it. (funny quote, funny status, crazy quote)
_____I like status updates from men and women. I guess I am Bi-Statusable. (funny status)

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11+ Funny Quotes

____My new doctor is drop dead gorgeous. I was a bit embarrassed but she said don't worry i'm a professional I've seen it all before. So tell me what is going on & I will check it out personally... I said, I think my sperm tastes funny. (funny status, hilarious status)
_____‎"Yeah, I buy my shoes in pairs. So what?"  (funny quote, daily life quote, short funny quote)
_____You may call it rape, but i like to refer to it as forceful fun time. (funny quote, hilarious quote, sarcastic funny quote)
_____Sometimes I'll order a fruity drink to show a girl my softer side, then I will smash it over the bartenders head to show her I'm a real man. (funny status, really funny quote, crazy funny quote)
_____Some of you just never will get me. And some won't get my jokes. (top funny quote, short funny quote, best funny quote)
_____My friends always tell me that I should be a stand up comedian. That sounds totally awesome except for that whole standing up part. (funny quote, cute funny quote, stupid funny quote)
_____Real men check to see if someone is alright by poking them with a stick. (funny quote, famous funny quote)
_____Pretty sure everyone wants to come to America to give their kids a chance to be in the best prisons. (funny quote about america, daily funny quote, funny quote saying)
_____I must be pretty useful because a hot chick just called me a tool. (top funny quote, crazy funny quote, stupid funny quote)
_____I called customer service the other night and a real person answered. I didn't know what to do, so I hung up. (stupid funny quote, cool funny quote)
_____Please everybody do not try to recreate any of these funny statuses. I am a professional and please do not try this at home. (funny quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say. That's why I knock their f***ing teeth out and activate their dental plan at the same time. (funny status, funny quote, funny joke)
_____My ex-wife wanted me to make our bedroom look better, so I removed the mirrors. (funny quote, wife funny quote, daily funny quote)

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10+ Funny Quotes

____It's a good thing that real life isn't a musical because my boss would hear me singing about doing nothing all day. (funny quote, daily quote, daily life quote)
_____I can only imagine how bored that guy was when he invented the jump rope. (funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer. (funny quote, funny status, best funny quote)
_____Girls do get better with age........ when they go from 17 to 18 and 20 to 21. (funny quote, hilarious quote, lol quote, hilarious status)
_____If you don't like it, you have two choices. You can get over it or get! (best funny status, top funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____When I went to college my mum told me to get a lot of sleep and go to all my classes. I managed to do both! Simultaneously. (funny quote, daily life quote, hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Ponderable: If you have 50 odds and ends on a shelf, and you break 49 of them, are you left with an odd or an end? (funny quote, awesome quote, funny status)
_____I still haven’t figured out a way to compliment a woman’s lips without it being obvious where I want them. (hilarious quote, hilarious status, top funny quote)
_____I spend most first dates asking a girl about the street she grew up on & her first pet's name so I'll at least have access to her passwords. (funny status, hilarious status)
_____Next person to call me short will be kicked in the butt!!!....That's all I can reach anyways. (funny quote, hilarious quote, top funny quote)
_____I'm the f***in king of pre-mature good byes at the workplace. (top funny quote, best hilarious quote)
_____The nice part of putting something funny on Facebook is that you don't have to hear the people who have annoying laughs.(funny status, hilarious status)
_____I don't tell people to go to hell, because I don't want to have to deal with them after I die. (funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____I can afford the alcohol to support my drinking problem, it's the stupid legal fees that break the bank. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Spending 20 minutes trying to spell callisthenics also counts. (funny quote)
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9+ Funny Quotes

_____I know some lucky woman is out there..... trying to forget my name. :P (Funny Quote)
_____Always trust in your instinct, because there isn't anything worse than hearing your own voice inside saying "I told you so". (inspirational quote & funny quote)
_____Of coarse i heard you, you just said a bunch of words right? (funny quote and saying, hilarious quote, top funny quote)
_____I never think faster than when my wife starts a conversation with 'You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?' (funny quote & funny status)
_____Welcome to the circus I call.. my life! Giggity! :)  (funny quote, best quote, top quote, quote of the day)
_____I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll smoke your joint down..... before I pass it back!~ Big bad stoner wolf...... probably (funny quote, funny status, happiness quote)
_____I wish someone would write a movie about my life. I think "Pretty life In F***ing world" would be a good title. (funny quote, funny status, top funny quote)
_____Either I've just come down with a sudden attack of narcolepsy, or you're just f***ing boring. (funny quote, hilarious quote, best quote)
_____They say if you tell a lie three times it becomes true. If you tell a lie 100 times, do you become Fox News? (funny quote, quote about news, daily quote)
_____It's alright guys. You don't have to like anything. I already love myself. (love quote, funny quote, top quote, best quote hilarious quote)

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8+ Funny Quotes

‎_____"$100 in the hand is worth 2 in the bush" ~ prostitutes (prices may vary)
_____Does it make you uncomfortable that I wear your profile pic in a locket around my neck?
_____You can usually judge a women's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore
_____Some people call me crazy.. but mostly, they call me a whore. And I'm okay with that. 

It's not just a personality.. it's a way of life.. Giggity! ;)
_____I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean..
_____My neighbor's kids and I have an understanding, they throw bricks through my window and I don't tell their dad because I'm terrified of them
_____Just because someone says mean things to you and acts like they're better than you, that's no reason to be rude back to me.
_____Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
_____If I touch my self, is that considered sexual Harassment?
_____I don’t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed

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7+ Funny Quotes

____I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don't squish you guys.
_____What really annoys me about having to wake up and go to work is having to wake up and go to work.
_____What really annoys me about having to wake up and go to college is having to wake up and go to college.
_____I really LOVE my new cell phone - except for that "speaking to another human being" feature. That wins least favorite feature, hands down.
_____In ONLY few years ago, how the times have changed. "I remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
_____There's nothing more annoying than posting a status and then realizing that you have not only left a of words out, but you've also made a speling mistake and not used correct punctuation?
_____All the likes collected on this quote will be granted to a charity however don't worry the likes on this quote are also refundable.
_____You can have brains or beauty, but not all three..

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6+ Funny Quotes

_____‎"Misery loves company" and THAT is why now that I am single....I no longer feel the need to hang out with other people.
_____My friends are always telling me I'm terrible at insulting people. Just you wait, I'll show those feather-dusters.
_____The funny thing about finding funny quotes on internet is  that most often quotes arn't funny.
_____No I'm not yawning. I'm just trying to catch a non-existent burger with no hands. So I'm totally interested in what you're saying.
_____Some people think I'm arrogant and conceited but I don't take it personally. I'm sure my dazzling natural brilliance just makes them feel insecure.
_____I can tell you nice things but they'll all be about me.
_____I don't need a reason to do stupid things, I just need a venue.

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_____I'm good with superlatives because I'm the most smartest.
_____I don't like any number unless its a 0. I have zero tolerance and that's it!
_____I had a job interview the other day. I got the job and then they told me; you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober, so I quit!!
_____When people ends their posts with "Probably", it's because they can't think of another way to make it funny, probably.
_____My humor isn't for everyone. Some people are idiots.
_____My friends are always telling me I'm terrible at insulting people. Just you wait, I'll show those feather-dusters.

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