67 Funny Quotes

_______I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!tch." Close enough. (funniest sarcastic quote)

_______Having two profiles make you feel almost like a spy living a double life.. (funny life quote)

_______Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like. (the punchlines)

_______If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny cop quote)

_______I remember when Dying Alone seemed like such a terrible fate, now I'm just looking forward to a little "me" time and some extra rest. (funny quote)

_______Life is so unexpected. One second you see a hot chick saying no, the next second you find her in my basement. (funny life quote status)

_______If you have a face, there's a pretty good probability that I hate you. (hate quote)

_______Ladies. Gentlemen. Please learn to use the words "Turn-on/Turn-off" in the right context! (funny announcement quote)

_______Today I decided to go to the beach, but I'm taking my laptop along so I can do some surfing (funny beach quote)

_______I have always wanted to do something "like a boss" so I fired someone...out of a cannon  (like a boss quote)

_______Commenting under a post that, "No comment", IS A COMMENT! (funny comments)

_______People who live in glass houses clearly don't know what lumber is used for (funny phrases)

_______you don't have to lose weight or go on tv. You are already the biggest loser. (funny loser quote)

_______I have been debating whether or not to kill myself, I suppose there's no rush through I can jump off that bridge when I come to it  

_______Drinking coffee today didn't seem to be quite effective enough today, so I turned the grounds into a nice spread and made a sandwich with it too. (funny coffee quote)

_______In case you're wondering how athletic I am ladies the only part of my body that I can move after playing basketball last night is my bowels (funny athlete quotes)

_______I love it when you use fancy words like.. "f**k" and "you." (funny fancy words)

_______This post is special. Only people who are online right now can ignore this (funny post)

_______I just ordered a pizza to be delivered................."Screw you and get it yourself!" said the wife. (funny pizza quotes)

_______The fact that all your pictures are taken in front of a mirror and your phone is visible in all of them tells me a few things about you. A. You have lousy aim and/or motor skills. B. and/or you are extremely proud of your phone. C. Your flash is on. D. You have no friends.   (funny mirror photo quote status)

_______The same key that my ex held to my heart, looks a lot like the same key that someone just ran down the side of my new car. (funny ex quote)

_______Me and my girl are dating since so long now, that we finish each other's sentences....mostly with the phrases like "shut the fugg up."

_______I'll never forget the time I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria, their towels were so thick and fluffy. I could hardly shut my suitcase. (funny travel quote)

_______I ordered something from Amazon today. My small Brazilian child should arrive next week. (funny Amazon quote)

_______You know who is really stupid!!!?......People that don't share all of my beliefs (funny belief quote)

_______This status is just to prove that I can still fake out my boss like I'm working!  (funny status)

_______Based on the amount of hours I have worked this week, I think next Monday and Tuesday should be another Saturday and Sunday (funny weekend quote)

_______I need to find a 'never before heard' excuse to not go to work tomorrow. (funny excuse quote)

_______Don't trust people, don't ask why. Just trust me on this! (funny trust quote)

_______Why do people keep asking dogs "who's a good boy?" A little doggie told me he thinks the question is patronizing.. (funny question status)

_______What’s the difference between a funny tweet and a facebook status update:  5 minutes (funny tweet)

_______This guy is wearing a shirt reading "I'm still a virgin", it would be funny if it weren't true (funny virgin quote)

_______The quickest way to find something you lost is to buy a new one (one line joke)

_______I don't like airplanes.....it's not because I have a fear of flying......its because I have a big f**king fear of crashing (funny flying quote)

_______Some woman asked me today if I practice being an a**hole. She obviously doesn't know me well enough to know it just comes naturally. (funny sarcastic status)

_______I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important....like being awesome. (funny awesome quote)

_______You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves. (funny stress quote)

_______I can't find any help for our addiction to Facebook in the FB help forums... (funny Facebook status)

_______How to write in sarcasm. Lesson one:   "Good morning" I hope you have yourself a "good" day (funny good morning quote)

_______Im just a defenseless harmless poor little soul doesn't sound convincing when you are standing in an alley with a Colt 44 waiting to rob people. But Im working on it. (funny mugged quote)

_______‎Zombies eat brains, that's why girls are not worried (funny zombie quotes)

_______I don't have the energy to be angry about my apathy. (funny apathy quote)

_______People who say ”if you ask me” are usually never asked in the first place. so thanks, but I didn't ask you

_______She called me a jerk once! It really upset me:(  It takes more than one Jerk to get me going! (funny jerk quote)

_______I read a book called Great Expectations- it wasn't as good as I though it would be (funny expectation quote)

_______I have never done drugs in my life but I think they kinda taste like cocaine. (funny drug quote)

_______I just filed a Missing Report for myself......because I'm bored and want to play Hide and Seek with the police.. (funny hide and seek quote)

_______The best part of this status is that I'm sitting at home right now making you read a status I didn't care about enough to finis (funny Facebook status)

_______The enemy of my enemy is still my f**king enemy......cuz I don't really keep friends (funny enemy quote)

_______I am a Pharmaceutical Representative is soooo much better than, I'm a Drug Addict (hilarious drug quote)

_______A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! Grandpa, just eat your chicken with both hands... and leave the waitress alone! (funny phrase quote)

_______If you walk into my house wearing skinny jeans, expect an intervention, beating, and restraining order... In that order...

_______A hot, beautiful business woman just blessed me after I sneeze.......so I asked her for her marital status and life goals.....Too forward (funny smart quote)

_______I tried to put those musical notes on a status but I dont know how to play the keyboard (funny keyboard quote)

_______My middle finger out the driver side window is an instant message, while my car horn is the message notification to other drivers who don't use any signals at all. (funny driver quote)

_______i believe in overall uniformity... That's why i am trying to match my dark heart, humor and attitude to be on the same levels (humor quote)

_______I leave one light on at night so the moths have something to do. (funny moth quote)

_______I hate it when a car pulls up next to me with a huge stereo system when all you hear is the base, on the plus side, they cant hear me shooting their car with a bb gun (funny cop quote)

_______Don’t bother putting on a bunch of makeup whore. Your face is gonna be buried in the pillow before long anyway (funny makeup quote)

_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy. You made the duck face. You look like Daisy (Rae Jepson song funny quote)

_______Friend of mine told me he was really into Wilson Phillips... I sure hope he likes the volleyball and screwdriver I got him for Christmas. (funny quote about Wilson Phillips)

_______I was spinning in a chair for the last 15 min... I got so damn dizzy, I just went ahead and puked on the lady who was giving me a hair cut. (funny stupid quote)

_______If I were in it, they would have named it "The Darkest Knight Rises" (funny dark night rises quotes)

_______I don't know why people say most people are ticklish. The people here at Target certainly aren't...they look more angry. (funny angry quote)

_______Being a trampolinist is a career of ups and downs.

_______I really hope my spirit animal is the drunken monkey......because well, beer and kung-fu (funny Kung-fu quote)

_______Considering their lassoing skills, I'll bet cowboys would make awesome child kidnappers. (funny cowboys quote)

_______People should have the right to marry whomever annoys them the least. (funny marriage status)


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