12 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______I find people so annoying when they talk to me and expect me to listen to whatever it is they're saying. (funny annoying status)
_______I know that something is very very wrong when I start to feel like the only sane person in the room.
_______Hi Gaga, I wish I could download all your clothes and press delete. (funny status about lady Gaga)
_______I always obey traffic laws.... as soon as I've left my drug dealer's house. 
_______I may or may not have just ruined someone's marriage. But in my defence, I got all my drinks for free tonight.... (funny marriage status)
_______If a midget with down syndrome kept arriving late for work everyday, would it be ok for the boss to say he was always a little tardy??  (funny midget status)
funny super power quote status pic
_______If you say, "I have a surprise for you!" and you're not without clothes holding a beer... I'm going to be really embarrassed. (funny surprise status)
_______I want to be a little poorer...I'm very poor right now.  (funny poor status)
_______I'm in a bit of a love affair with my neighbors wifi. I guess you could say we have a connection.  (funny wifi connection status)
_______I signed up for Instagram, I should be receiving my shipment of Coke soon. (funny Instagram status)
_______Me and my girlfriend couldn't be more different. I exist and she doesn't.
_______And for my next trick... watch me down these crushed aspirin in this Bloody Mary and make this hangover disappear! (funny hangover status)
_______I'm not impressed by good looks as long as you look good  (funny looks status)

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11 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and Microsoft upgrades.  (funny Microsoft status)
_______My life has become a lot more easier............. since I have given up all hope of becoming anything good in life!  (funny hope life status)
_______I can fart the song "Feelings". See I care... (funny feelings status)
_______My new hobby is hugging Walmart greeters and softly whispering in their ears, "Thank you for your service."  (funny Walmart statu)
_______The lmao weight loss plan doesn't seem to be working
_______My husband says I'm too impulsive. What the f**k does he know? He only met me yesterday...
_______Someone told me to go hard or go home, but I was only sitting and didn't want to go home, so I sat harder than I've ever sat in my life...  (funny life status)
_______They told me to come here and write something funny, so I'm gonna post my bank account balance: -$1.09  (funny bank account status)
funny life status
_______A cop pulled into the same convenience store I was at and left his car running, while he ran in. Knowing it was a bad part of town, I reached in and locked it for him.
_______Any time I'm at work and I receive an "Out of Office" automated reply from someone, I always get a little jealous of that person.  (funny jealousy status)
_______Please leave a 'lol', 'rofl' or 'lmao' in the comment section below, so that people will think I'm funny ;)

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_______the world is a dangerous place...2 minutes ago I punched a guy for no reason (funny status about world)
_______When I die Please carve the word Modest on my statue... (funny modest status)
_______Rather than apologise to people I insult or offend, I tend to drop a large, heavy iron box, complete with a door and a combination lock, on to their heads from a height. Because, apparently, better safe than sorry.  (funny stupid status)
_______If someone offers you drugs, just say no .... . and keep saying no. That way you'll get the price right down...  (funny drug status)
_______Guys, just because you're "mechanically inclined" doesn't mean you know how to use your tool... (funny status about guys)
_______Don't think of me as a peeping tom. Its more like security you don't have to pay for... (funny stalking status)
_______I hate when people say You know what I mean. I want to poke them in the eye with a stick. You know what I mean?  (funny hate status)
_______Did you ever have one of those days where you just want to punch someone in the face? Well punching someone in the face makes it all better
_______This government is always whining about Energy Saving.... last night I tried saving some by turning off my lights... I ran over a pedestrian  (funny status about govt)
funny status
_______I call bullsh!t on you McDonald's...I ate 4 of these damn happy meals and I'm still just as sad. (funny status about McDonald's)
_______SO I saw the new iPhone 5 today. You're telling me you're upgrading from the iPhone 4 just for an extra inch?? I hope your girlfriend doesn't think the same way. ;)  (funny status about iPhone)

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_______I love it when people say, "Not to mention the fact that..." and then they do :/ (funny fact status)
_______it's ok for a normal guy to tell a woman "your hair smells nice".. but if a midget does it it's sexual harassment (funny midget status)
_______Sometimes people f**king love me and other times I speak  (funny love status)
_______In my defense she was wearing a T-shirt written 'just do it' on it  (funny T-shirt status)
_______You know you're addicted to Facebook when you prefer to think of your daily Facebook time in minutes, even though it equals 5 hours or more.  (Facebook addiction status)
_______My IQ drops an average of 27 points when there is nice cleavage within eye range.  (funny IQ status)
_______I'm a pretty well travelled guy..... that just means, I've farted in some beautiful places... (funny travel status)
_______I love you just the way you are.....really really far away....don't ever change that.  (funny love status)
_______Sometimes I like your status just so you will think I give a f**k (funny Facebook status)
funny t-shirt quote status
_______I went to visit my friend today. Apparently he has taught his dog all about hump day, my leg does not appreciate it. (funny hump day status)

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_______At times I really wish I should just sleep through all the weekdays and wake up directly on weekends... (funny weekend wish status)
_______Ladies, if you notice me looking at you and then......I get this discouraged look on my face.........it's because I'm undressing you in my mind but I got stuck at your bra...

_______So apparently today is my wife's birthday and she wants to go out tonight. I hate it when she springs sh!t on me like this. (funny status about wife and birthday)
_______That moment when you text someone a long detailed message and they respond with "what?" Sending you into a state where you want to uncontrollably slap them in the face.  (WTF moment status)
_______If I were a meteorologist I'd smile while reporting good weather for the day like I have something to do with it. (funny meteorologist status)
_______Just tried cooking in an Easy Bake Oven but it took too long, so I stuck it in the microwave... now I'm outside with the fire department roasting marshmallows over my living room. :(Funny Oven status)
_______I don't believe in "dreams can come true"... Coz half of the people I work with should be dead by now...! (funny status about coworkers)
_______Someone just called me a sarcastic a**hole. His tone of voice seemed to suggest that he was under the impression that he was the first to do so. Weird.

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5 Funny Facebook Status
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7 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______Please spread the fact that I've got a very good sense of rumor.
_______I confess - I'm a Grammar Nazi. Feel free to criticize and leave as many derogatory comments as you see fit. It's not like I can understand any of the syntactically abysmal drivel that you bash out anyway. (funny grammar Nazi status)
_______That awkward moment where you go to 'air' kiss someone and punch them in the face... (funny kiss love status)
_______Sometimes when I'm depressed about being broke, I can't help but think that if it wasn't for the fact that I'm so good looking and humble I wouldn't have anything going. (funny depressed status)
_______A friend of mine was trying to explain all the crap going on in the world, and I told him, "Man, you might as well be speaking Chinese, I don't understand any of it." So he said, "快開戰了" (funny Chinese status)
_______A :oscopy proves that punctuation can be a pain in the as* sometimes. 
_______I hate it when someone accuses me of not listening to whatever the f**k they were talking about.. (funny sarcastic status)
funny love status pic
_______I'll bet if you accidentally kill someone in a hall of mirrors you have a lot of time to reflect on your mistake. (stupid funny Facebook status)

6 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______I'm standing at a crossroad................. but there's a car coming so I have to move (funny life status)
_______I f**king hate those people who are full of useless information.. Like women who tell me they have a boyfriend.. (funny hatred status)
_______I used to be a professional fighter, in fact I was the second-best boxer in my country.  I had over 100 fights and came 2nd in every one.  (funny Facebook status)
_______after a long wait the people of east London finally got the news they wanted this week. the new iPhone will be available to rob later this month  (funny status about iPhone)
_______I always wear my best suit on my birthday... but these people at church this morning act like they've never seen a grown naked man before! (funny birthday status)
_______I can't believe that someone just accused me of being a grammer nazi! It's 'grammar', for f**k's sake.  (funny grammar status)

5 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______Whenever I see a post that's mean and disrespectful, there's only one thing left to say.. Why didn't I think of that? (funny Facebook status idea)
_______If you're someone who doesn't finish a sentence  

_______I really feel like giving someone a break or fracture. (bored status)
_______I think my neighbor is a fan of my pounding Rock-N-Roll music... Every time I play it loud he always starts banging along in rhythm on the wall. (funny status about neighbor)
_______If you can't make one single innocent question into the form of an accusation, then you have no right to be in a relationship.  (funny status about relationship)

funny Facebook status pic

75 Funny Quotes

_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.  (funny women quotes)
_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed.  (funny inspirational quote)
_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire.  (funny love quotes)
_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar sh!t-monster peppered with motherf**king profanity?  (best funny quotes status ever)
_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (funny heart quotes)
_______I'm well known for my ability to not finish the things that I begin. In fact, I'm so good th  (funny ability status)
_______"What's the worst that could happen?" - What I'm guessing my last words will be (funny last words)
_______I am not trying to save the planet but could you please use less hot water when you shower? The steam is fogging up the lens of the camera I installed  (funny stalker)
_______The first time I met you, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my money with.  (funny loving quote)
_______They say you need to intake lots of water to stay alive but the body floating in my pool disagrees (funny sci-fi quotes)
_______Bet you can't guess what I'm doing tonight. Here's a hint... it begins with G and ends with 'ettingcompletelyfuckingwasted'.  (funny bored quotes)
_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but lets go drinking its black Friday baby (funny black Friday quotes)
_______My internet's been down for over 10 hours now. But on the plus side, I've just discovered my right hand can be used as a cup holder. (internet addiction quote)
_______STRESS: The inner conflict that occurs when the "voice of reason" over-rides urgent desire of wanting to strangle the living sh!t out of some a**hole who desperately needs it! (funny stress quotes)
_______My boss called me Stupid this morning. I gotta say, I was a little insulted. Been working for the man for 3 years and he still doesn't know my name (funny boss insulting quote)
_______One more time you call me a freak, and I'll take my gun out, and stab you with my knife till you choke out 'cause of the rope around your neck and eventually get drowned in pool. (freaking quote)
_______To help reduce cost this quote was typed in China  (made in china quote)
_______I don't charge you to read my statuses so feel FREE to like them
_______After not being able to sleep at very well at night I am thankful for my naps at work (work nap quote status)
_______Was thinking about shoving a beer can up a chicken's a** but that's a waste of beer.
_______You say you hate the way you look. After viewing the 683 photos you posted of your face so do I (sarcastic quote)
_______I have been called a lot of things in my life but a nice guy isn't one of them (life facts quote)
_______I sure would like to know who that mysterious photographer is that keeps taken pictures of people holding their phones up by their face. (funny self photographer quote)
_______The duration of my bowel movement is based on how interesting my news feed is (funny newsfeed quote)
_______Just for the record, each and every Quote I post here is my own original. Which should explain why they're not funny.
_______Whoever quoted,  'Never say never', said it twice in a sentence. (never say never quote)
_______That's the last time I got caught sleeping with a girl...I'm never gonna attend History class ever. (funny history quote status)
_______Kids are lucky these days.... Back when I was a kid, I had to walk to a girls house to "poke" her!  (funny poke quote)
_______‎Objection! Thats allegedly killed the cat your honor ~ Curiositys lawyer (curiosity killed the cat quote)
_______Yes, I exercise...I exercise my right not to exercise. (exercise quote)
_______Ate too many apples and now I can't find a doctor.
_______I'm like a hero or something. I disarmed a gunman today...well it was my nephew, and it was a water gun, and why the hell is he crying, doesn't he know I"m a hero?
_______You must have missed mentioning it on your 'about me' section, that you are an a**hole. (sarcastic insulting quote)
_______Just for the record - When in court accused of indecent exposure, 'There's no business like show business' is not considered to be a suitable line of defense. (funny self defense quote)
_______I really want to ask this girl that I like on a date but I am afraid that if I crawl out from under her bed I will scare her (stalker status)
_______So I connected a New mouse in my computer today and it said "Found Human interface". No you Idiot... IT'S A MOUSE!!! (funny tech quotes)
_______For those who are dyslexic, today is Friday the 13th (dyslexic quotes)
_______Ok I am confused. The girl at the end of the bar only has one eye and I can't tell if she is winking and blinking (confused quotes)
_______For now on...whenever any of my friends invite me to their kids B-Day parties, I'm going to gift wrap empty boxes, cuz I know for damn sure they're not teaching them about life's disappointments! (funny birthday status)
_______When it come to exercise, the only running I do lately is running out of money. Doesn't make my gut disappear but my bank account looks smaller. (funny money shortage quote status)
_______As I get older, the longer I look at what I drop and wonder if it's worth bending over to pick up.......Anyways......my wife is pissed!  (pissed quotes)
_______Sometimes I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something. (fat  quotes)
_______She posted her status "Life is a bitch"...I commented "You're my Life" (life quotes)
_______Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.  (hangover quotes)
_______You'd be prettier if you grew your hair really long and wrapped it over your face several times and hung yourself with it (sarcastic insulting punchline)
_______A guy can drop his pants and show his junk, people will just walk away fast, but when a woman pulls up her skirt and shows her stuff....people will stand and stare. (double standard quote)
_______Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday (friday quote)
_______I just realized it's not a good idea to sneeze when facing directly in front of a fan, while it's on high. That is all (funny sneezing idea)
_______My one regret is that I never learned how to fly a plane, but I can live with that. Just as long as my passengers on this Boeing 787 never find out.  (funny regret quote)
_______ went from 'being in a relationship' to 'stopped believing in imaginary girlfriends' (imaginary girlfriend quote)
_______As soon as find this Wisdom person... I'm going to give them some words of my own! (funny words of wisdom)
_______Hey people that say "Just saying", you should probably stop that... just saying. 
_______I've finally met a lady that "tugs on my heart strings". But I've decided not to tell the heart surgeon this....until she sews me up! (funny heart quotes)
_______My Girlfriend wouldn't go hiking with me because she doesn't exist (funny girlfriend quote)
_______Restaurant said "No sleeveless shirts". I have the right to bare arms.
_______If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (funny nap at work quote)
_______Some days I sit around and think about how great it would be to be married again...and then I laugh and laugh and laugh because I'm such a kidder.
_______I sneeze a lot just to find out which of my friends are religious. 
_______I dont care what women say,size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around (best funny quote)
_______Unfortunately I think I've reached a point in my life where the word "frisky" only refers to my cat's food :(
_______Wish they made glad press n seal for lips so i could make you stfu! (STFU quotes)
_______"you make me feel like a wrestler. Can I body slam you?" is not a good pick up line. (funny pickup line)
_______I was talking to this girl at the beach today. She asked me if I was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Hello...I have no shirt on. What sleeves...don't be stupid.  (funny heart status)
_______OK I have made plenty so I could probably be a millionaire if I could just find these people that wanna "pay for your mistakes." (funny mistake quotes)
_______Finally I joined a Gym..its a page on Facebook..I feel so fit n fine. (funny facebook status)
_______I saw this woman staring me down in the supermarket today!!! I don't know if she was attracted to me or just amazed by how ugly I am!  (funny confusion )
_______I hate when people think they're better than other people. I never do that. I'm better than those people. (superiority complex quote)