Thursday, October 3, 2013
_______If I had to pick one thing I hate most about driving and texting... it's probably all the people that show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
_______If you close your eyes and walk into Walmart... it smells just like PetSmart. (funny Walmart status)
_______I wonder what the people of Walmart do with all that extra time? You know, the time they save not brushing their teeth or getting dressed
_______People say potheads are lazy but I just reached under my couch to get a lighter
_______I don't care about the government shutdown because liquor stores are run by the state (funny status about US government shutdown)
_______I don't care that the government shut down, I just wish it would shut up.
_______did they even try a government restart before the government shut down?
_______Government jokes? It's like people haven't been fooled ten billion times before.
_______one advantage of dying will be that when my life flashes before my eyes, I can finally find out again what my old Yahoo mail password was... (funny yahoo status)
_______Sadly though, very few Girlfriends actually get married by their Boyfriends ... The rest are probably used as passwords for Yahoo Mail accounts...
_______I don't know why this guy in my basement doesn't understand that those handcuffs are just friendship bracelets.
_______Standing in Starbucks without a phone; What do I do with my hands? Where do I look? How do I pay? Oooh, eye contact... AWKWARD. (funny status about Starbucks)
_______Excuse me..I don't mean to interrupt your swagger...but I noticed your pants were down below your A$$...Congratulations on your weight loss. (funny swag status)
_______According to experts, a successful marriage is about give and take. According to women, a successful marriage is about give and Take Back. (funny marriage status)
_______Scientists have confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door. because her A$$ was definitely outta this world.
_______No matter how bad things get in your life, I want you to know that I'll continue giving you irrelevant advice instead of actually helping you.
_______Sweetheart, how can you say I don't love you anymore?? I never loved you in the first place!! (funny love status)
_______I have a sharp memory. I remember what happened last week as if it happened 20 years ago.
_______So I asked the driver to take a right once we reach station and he was all like, "This is a F**kin' train, a**hole!"
_______If you love somebody, hold them tight and squeeze them till they feel suffocated and die of shortness of breath... and if they don't let you... They don't love you back.
_______I wasn't hiding. I was just admiring the circumference of this pillar.
_______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place.
_______Everyday is a Monday when you don't want to work.
_______So this really hot woman tells me,'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' So I told her, "Yeah I do. But what I don't wish for her to be is a hooker like you
_______I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream. 99% of them reply, "Where's my mommy?"
_______Sorry I'm late... I made an origami sailors hat out of a Waffle House napkin and got promoted to head chef.
_______If you die while using a Mac, your life won't flash before your eyes because Apple no longer supports it. (funny Apple Mac status)
_______Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
_______The air here is fresh enough to notice that someone spoilt it (funny fart status)
_______so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
_______Just saw this Indian lady collapsed on the street... I was wondering whether i should press the red panic button on her forehead.
_______Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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Thursday, September 26, 2013
_______I am not saying your breath is bad, but last time I caught a whiff I stopped, dropped, and rolled.
_______Whomever came up with the slogan of "the quicker picker upper" for Bounty obviously never tried Adderall.
_______Dont judge me but I'm looking at a single corn seed in my hand and yelling- I HAVE A UNI-CORN.
_______Sometimes i find myself thinking about the profound complexities of the universe, galaxies, our solar system, nature and its forces,the wonders of quantum physics, then i ask myself,''why do men have nipples?''
_______My kids found my whip, my handcuffs and my mask in my room. So I just explained to them I was a superhero.
_______"Things change. Whether for better or for worse, we find out later - and that's a good thing, I suppose, because otherwise, either everything would change, or absolutely nothing." - Me, being all philosophical and shit.
_______Hey Blondy! you don't have to lick your finger to flip the page... on ipad
_______Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.
_______I'm not wearing any makeup today, so I'm planning on getting a ton of "Are you okay?" questions.
_______I was in town today and a guy just wouldn't stop staring at me, so I squared up to him and asked what his problem was. He quickly backed off, so I got back on my unicycle and continued juggling....
_______Writing "Happy birthday dipshit. Hope you choke on your cake because you never like anything I post" is a good way to get deleted. Who knew?
_______My boss told me that if I don't stop blasting 80s metal music at work he was going to start Dokken my pay
_______This status is going to be short because this toilet seat is cold
_______I started doing the Insanity workout today and I have to say if you believe that you are crazy
_______Forgive me Facebook for I have sinned. It has been over 30 minutes since my last update
_______The nice thing about no one reading your posts is you can whatever the f**k you want to say
_______I entered a contest to have dinner with the cast of Twilight. I hope I win so I can piss off their fans when I don't show up
_______I wanted to post something pragmatic here but I am not sure that is even a real word
_______My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever
_______How many times am I supposed to let my coworkers phone ring when he doesn't answer it before I drop it in a glass of water
_______Stalking people is so much harder in the winter. Their windows fog up so much easier and they can see my breath from behind the tree.
_______If you've never flipped on and off a light switch while making thunder noises... then you weren't at my first rave party at my house in 1986.
_______I'm watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
_______Move along... just a guy saving money for a vacation... move along
________Learn to say no, after your tenth pizza slice that is.
________Even Bad Luck Brian appears happy in the meme after all that he's gone through and you think you've got problems.
________The sun feels sorry for you. please stop blaming it for wearing sunglasses indoors.
________Watching half-naked men hug each other and lay down to cover one another only to decide who did it better is NOT what WWE is all about.
________Please to park your car elsewhere! Can't you see my groceries are resting there?
________Stop posing in front of a mirror. Believe me nobody ever got famous for laughing at their own reflection while capturing a brilliant moment.
________Every other individual is ruined by facing the mirror with a phone, faking a smile and dying afterwards.
________Give man a pizza and he'll add ketchup and make it a dessert.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
_______If it doesn't kill you...............it only needs to be made stronger!!
_______the only time i did window shopping is when i wanted to buy a window
_______Some people are as pointless as the second window at McDonald's
_______Not only do I stalk your page, at night you might feel a 'POKE'.
_______I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
_______Only one more 250 lb. fat chick until I can truthfully say I've been with a ton of women!
_______I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations.
_______My wife said I don't listen and a whole bunch of other... somethin.
_______Whenever you feel sad... just remember somewhere in the world there's an idiot trying to pull open a car door handle as it's being unlocked.
_______I really was gonna jog at the park this morning....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few puffs and cheered the joggers on, instead.
_______Most of you, like waking up in the morning, to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning....to see..... WTF I posted!
_______If Plan A and B fails... don't worry! Just go to Plan F and U.
_______My fantasy football team is all cheerleaders.
_______That awkward moment when you log onto facebook and it says 9:30 pm... you look two minutes later it says 12:45 am.
_______I'd make a joke about the post office but you won't get it for 3-5 business days.
_______Well, I've had an evening so enjoyable that I honestly couldn't give a flying f**k how yours went. (Sarcastic status)
_______I think classical music was created solely for making murders feel a lot cooler..
_______I've just bought this new digital camera and none of my pictures come out wonderful....................being ugly sucks
_______"Liking" your post doesn't necessarily mean I agree with the status... sometimes it just means "Look at how stupid this person is."
_______I never panic during a crisis because most of the time I'm the cause.
_______I thought my husband was cheating on me with another woman. He's not, though, it's still the same woman.
_______My apologies for not being on Facebook yesterday...I was watching this chic trying to parallel park.
_______Medication is easy, it's the prescription that's the hard part
_______This Christmas I'm going to give the gift of laughter and good cheer...but first I have to separate it into little plastic baggies.
_______My attention span is shorter than an Amish phone book
_______If at first you don't succeed then you're probably a pathetic loser.
_______I ain't afraid of no ghost. No? Well your double negative suggests that actually you are, you uneducated ghostbusting moron scaredy cat.
_______I'd like to see Dora get lost & have to blow some dude for a ride home. Kids need to learn that not all adventures end with a happy dance.
_______Forgive and Forget? I'm neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimers.