35 Hilariously Funny Status Updates



_______A good relationship is less about having stuff in common and more about you letting me have some of your fries.

_______I hate it when I wake up from taking a nap, come downstairs, then say,"That smells delicious! What's for dinner?!" and they say, "What the hell are you doing in my house."

_______Funny how women can put on makeup, drive and not get in a wreck, but men will look at women putting on makeup and get in a wreck.

_______Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. "Will the defendant please rise".

_______Postnatal depression is a serious condition. My mom still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

_______I don't know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I'm looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.

_______I'm not too concerned about this coup in Thailand, most Thai things finish with a happy ending.

_______I often find myself rewording a post so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.

_______I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender.

_______Hey, does anyone know which side you're supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.

_______My performance with my girlfriend last night was amazing. It lasted like 45 minutes! Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

_______That time I did give a f**k but you thought I didn't was only because it was buffering.

_______Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make everything all your fault.

_______The GM vs. Ford debate continues as they now compete to see who can recall the most vehicles.

_______When you see something being advertised as "under $20!" get ready to pay $19.99.

_______ Such a relief when things I've been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it's too late.

_______Kids today have it so easy... None of them understand the anger and disappointment of when the net on The Mouse Trap game didn't fall down.

_______The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. --people who have no understanding of tension, thickness, or cutlery.

_______If it ain't broke give it to my co-worker and it will be....beyond repair.

_______I 'm not a professional ventriloquist... but I  can throw a silent fart in public and hold my breath for like 7 minutes.

_______When you see only one set of footprints, know that I  unfollowed you. -Jesus Christ on Twitter..

_______Republicans, democrats and liberals are all tolerant as long as you completely agree with them.

_______Just got a lottery ticket. I t said match to win, so I  lit one and burned the place down.

_______Sometimes you come across a status which is so heartfelt, meaningful and touching that you just have to share it with everyone else. This isn't one of them, so you might as well just keep scrolling.

_______Legs is the key word of the day! Spread the word!

_______Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open a FB account and remove all doubt.

_______ Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & she leaves*

_______This Customs officer just asked me if I had anything to declare, 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.' Instead of telling me where I can stick it I think he is going to put it there for me.

_______I'm sorry, but I don't care how serious your argument is. If somebody accidentally rhymes, you need to point that sh*t out.

_______Dear Crush, I wanna be the reason a stranger at the gas station whispers to you, "Ma'am there's someone hiding in your backseat"

_______They say 'the truth hurts'. They say 'truth shall set you free'. The truth is starting to sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend, who kicked me in the nuts then dumped me.

_______I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine.

_______A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money... but I am always reassured by the fact that I don't have any money...or a girlfriend.

_______ After watching 3 coworkers try and fail to change the toner in the copier, the boss made an executive decision....to just put an "out of order" sign on it. Guess that's why he makes the big bucks.

_______You can turn anything into a compliment if you're delusional enough.

_______I don't get into the whole "Mondays suck" thing. I hate all work days equally.

_______FINANCIAL FACT: If you don't actually open your bills, you don't have to pay them.

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_______Me: do these jeans make my butt look big? 
Him: I can't really see that well, you're blocking out the sun.

______Just read a book about the digestive system. 
The ending was shit.

______A penny for your thoughts. 
Five bucks if they're inappropriate.

______Everyone still raving about Frozen!!!... 
Let It Go...

______Looking back at my life I feel so sad I've failed so many people.
Lecturer maybe.

______"I put the C U in cute" 
~ stalkers maybe

______Some people say I am an animal in the sack"
- baby kangaroo
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______Sorry to yawn in your face but to be fair you were boring the life out of me...

______Love riding 2 wheels to work. Its hard to keep the car on its side though...

______'8 Years a Slave' is what I'm titling my tell-all book about my amazing marriage.

______Remember to always thoroughly wash your hands in a public restroom... right before you touch the filthy, virus-laden door handle on the way out.

______If you rub me the wrong way, I'll just take over and do it myself...

______Hey ladies, if for some reason you're feeling down, call me and I'll try to feel you up.  Yeah, that sounded a lot more suave when I said it to myself.

______Liven up a slugs boring day by pouring a ring of salt around it and giving it enough Lego pieces to build a bridge

______If you have nothing intelligent to say... just write it on Facebook.

______Thanks for the good reggae music,Bob Marley....but no thanks for white guys walking around with dreads...

______"Yes, sweetheart, I agree we should talk about this later... like maybe after you forget about it?" —Men

______Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age... But then I remember that I'm not 15.

______I'm going to hang a Superman costume in my closet just to mess with my mind if I ever get Alzheimer's.

______Friend: "Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?" 
Me: "I think that's a myth..."
Friend: "No, it's definitely a butterfly."
She's blonde.

______People who post better than me: Please. This is all I have.

______If you're going to reach out to me, there better be a doughnut in your hand.

______NO ONE WARNED ME THERE WOULD BE PEOPLE HERE!!  
- Me, everywhere I go

______I've decided I need a break from facebook. ok I'm back.

______I'll never forget that amazing, erotic night that I spent with what's her name.-- Men

______Is it a pattern or a problem if you make at least three posts to Facebook a day from a toilet seat?? 
Asking for a friend.

______Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant...Pfft I'm not falling for it.

______Let's all start using duck as a swear word just to duck with auto-correct.

______ My recent trip to Walmart has forced me to reexamine my long-held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.

______I am the Michael Jordan of overweight Americans who suck at basketball.

______Don't ask me to moan, make me...

______If it wasn't for sarcasm, my coworkers and I would never communicate

______Time flies when you're having fun, they say. So here I am, stopwatch in hand, sitting next to a fresh turd, and I 'm not having fun anymore. I don' t get it.

______If you don't have anything to do today, you can wonder about when will your life actually begin?

______Today is the day to show the one you love how special they are so go ahead, violate that restraining order. Love has no boundaries.

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_______A twisted sense of humor runs in my family. I f my uncle had not poked pinholes in my dad's condoms you would not be reading this.

_______I wish that Liars' pants really would set on fire. That way we'd know by the flames who not to associate with.

_______Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it’s none of my f**king business.

_______I f you're good you can be on Santa's nice list......If you're naughty you can be on My Friends list!

_______"I  can' t I 'm dying on Friday!" - the response to anyone who asks me to do something on Friday.

_______I  laugh at addictions, I  can get off Facebook anytime I 'd like, take now for example as I  leave and go to the store for a pack of smokes.

_______I f you've been in a beauty contest and didn't start blowing the microphone during the talent portion, then you're just another pretty face.

_______Irony is when the vet tells you that your dog needs to have a CAT scan.

_______When I  was growing up the best social network site was the park.

_______A kid pointed at me saying "You've got autism!" I  said "That's a big word for someone who is 3,632 days old."

_______Just a fair warning, running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.

_______We have an inspirational poster in the break room at work that says nothing because posters cant talk.

_______Thought I  was listening to Skrillix... until I  heard the radio announcer say "This concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system."

_______Drinking coffee like I'm going to be productive or something.

_______I f you wear your heart on your sleeve... you should probably go to the hospital and get that sh!t checked out.

_______Voltage divided by current is futile.

_______Sometimes I wish people still said 'spiffing' instead of 'awesome' . Mainly so that I don' t sound like such a twat when I say it myself.

________Huh, what? Sorry... for a minute there, you actually bored me to death.

________You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. Instead, I get told to stop being silly and get back to work.

________Can't wait to see my kids' faces light up on Christmas morning when I set fire to my house for insurance purposes.

________A jogger just yelled at me for blocking the side walk with my car & I  tried to apologize but accidentally said “nice spandex faggot”

________Although the weather outside is frightful, & my bed is so delightful, but since my wife said "No",its off to work I  go, work I  go, work I  go.

________Some believe that bad people go to Hell when they die. Personally I think an eternity in Walmart during the Christmas season would be much worse.

________That awkward moment when your at the red light and a cop pulls up next to you an you try to reach for your seat belt and the damn thing locks up! Never fails.
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________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.


________Have you ever tried to watch a fart in the cold? I  am standing outside in the snow and I  just walked in three circles.

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