34 Hilarious and Funny Status Updates



_______Me: do these jeans make my butt look big? 
Him: I can't really see that well, you're blocking out the sun.

______Just read a book about the digestive system. 
The ending was shit.

______A penny for your thoughts. 
Five bucks if they're inappropriate.

______Everyone still raving about Frozen!!!... 
Let It Go...

______Looking back at my life I feel so sad I've failed so many people.
Lecturer maybe.

______"I put the C U in cute" 
~ stalkers maybe

______Some people say I am an animal in the sack"
- baby kangaroo
hilarious status updates

______Sorry to yawn in your face but to be fair you were boring the life out of me...

______Love riding 2 wheels to work. Its hard to keep the car on its side though...

______'8 Years a Slave' is what I'm titling my tell-all book about my amazing marriage.

______Remember to always thoroughly wash your hands in a public restroom... right before you touch the filthy, virus-laden door handle on the way out.

______If you rub me the wrong way, I'll just take over and do it myself...

______Hey ladies, if for some reason you're feeling down, call me and I'll try to feel you up.  Yeah, that sounded a lot more suave when I said it to myself.

______Liven up a slugs boring day by pouring a ring of salt around it and giving it enough Lego pieces to build a bridge

______If you have nothing intelligent to say... just write it on Facebook.

______Thanks for the good reggae music,Bob Marley....but no thanks for white guys walking around with dreads...

______"Yes, sweetheart, I agree we should talk about this later... like maybe after you forget about it?" —Men

______Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age... But then I remember that I'm not 15.

______I'm going to hang a Superman costume in my closet just to mess with my mind if I ever get Alzheimer's.

______Friend: "Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?" 
Me: "I think that's a myth..."
Friend: "No, it's definitely a butterfly."
She's blonde.

______People who post better than me: Please. This is all I have.

______If you're going to reach out to me, there better be a doughnut in your hand.

______NO ONE WARNED ME THERE WOULD BE PEOPLE HERE!!  
- Me, everywhere I go

______I've decided I need a break from facebook. ok I'm back.

______I'll never forget that amazing, erotic night that I spent with what's her name.-- Men

______Is it a pattern or a problem if you make at least three posts to Facebook a day from a toilet seat?? 
Asking for a friend.

______Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant...Pfft I'm not falling for it.

______Let's all start using duck as a swear word just to duck with auto-correct.

______ My recent trip to Walmart has forced me to reexamine my long-held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.

______I am the Michael Jordan of overweight Americans who suck at basketball.

______Don't ask me to moan, make me...

______If it wasn't for sarcasm, my coworkers and I would never communicate

______Time flies when you're having fun, they say. So here I am, stopwatch in hand, sitting next to a fresh turd, and I 'm not having fun anymore. I don' t get it.

______If you don't have anything to do today, you can wonder about when will your life actually begin?

______Today is the day to show the one you love how special they are so go ahead, violate that restraining order. Love has no boundaries.

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33 Hilarious, Cool, Clever and Funniest Status Updates

_______A twisted sense of humor runs in my family. I f my uncle had not poked pinholes in my dad's condoms you would not be reading this.

_______I wish that Liars' pants really would set on fire. That way we'd know by the flames who not to associate with.

_______Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it’s none of my f**king business.

_______I f you're good you can be on Santa's nice list......If you're naughty you can be on My Friends list!

_______"I  can' t I 'm dying on Friday!" - the response to anyone who asks me to do something on Friday.

_______I  laugh at addictions, I  can get off Facebook anytime I 'd like, take now for example as I  leave and go to the store for a pack of smokes.

_______I f you've been in a beauty contest and didn't start blowing the microphone during the talent portion, then you're just another pretty face.

_______Irony is when the vet tells you that your dog needs to have a CAT scan.

_______When I  was growing up the best social network site was the park.

_______A kid pointed at me saying "You've got autism!" I  said "That's a big word for someone who is 3,632 days old."

_______Just a fair warning, running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.

_______We have an inspirational poster in the break room at work that says nothing because posters cant talk.

_______Thought I  was listening to Skrillix... until I  heard the radio announcer say "This concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system."

_______Drinking coffee like I'm going to be productive or something.

_______I f you wear your heart on your sleeve... you should probably go to the hospital and get that sh!t checked out.

_______Voltage divided by current is futile.

_______Sometimes I wish people still said 'spiffing' instead of 'awesome' . Mainly so that I don' t sound like such a twat when I say it myself.

________Huh, what? Sorry... for a minute there, you actually bored me to death.

________You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. Instead, I get told to stop being silly and get back to work.

________Can't wait to see my kids' faces light up on Christmas morning when I set fire to my house for insurance purposes.

________A jogger just yelled at me for blocking the side walk with my car & I  tried to apologize but accidentally said “nice spandex faggot”

________Although the weather outside is frightful, & my bed is so delightful, but since my wife said "No",its off to work I  go, work I  go, work I  go.

________Some believe that bad people go to Hell when they die. Personally I think an eternity in Walmart during the Christmas season would be much worse.

________That awkward moment when your at the red light and a cop pulls up next to you an you try to reach for your seat belt and the damn thing locks up! Never fails.
Funny Awkward moment joke


________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.


________Have you ever tried to watch a fart in the cold? I  am standing outside in the snow and I  just walked in three circles.

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32 Funny Witty and Hilarious Status about Government Shutdown, Apple, Yahoo and Walmart



_______If I had to pick one thing I hate most about driving and texting... it's probably all the people that show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
_______If you close your eyes and walk into Walmart... it smells just like PetSmart. (funny Walmart status)
_______I wonder what the people of Walmart do with all that extra time? You know, the time they save not brushing their teeth or getting dressed
_______People say potheads are lazy but I just reached under my couch to get a lighter
_______I don't care about the government shutdown because liquor stores are run by the state (funny status about US government shutdown)
_______I don't care that the government shut down, I just wish it would shut up.
_______did they even try a government restart before the government shut down?
_______Government jokes? It's like people haven't been fooled ten billion times before.
government jokes
_______My neighbor mowed his lawn at 6am so tonight I am going to get drunk and learn to play the drums
_______one advantage of dying will be that when my life flashes before my eyes, I can finally find out again what my old Yahoo mail password was... (funny yahoo status)
_______Sadly though, very few Girlfriends actually get married by their Boyfriends ... The rest are probably used as passwords for Yahoo Mail accounts...
_______I don't know why this guy in my basement doesn't understand that those handcuffs are just friendship bracelets.
_______Standing in Starbucks without a phone; What do I do with my hands? Where do I look? How do I pay? Oooh, eye contact... AWKWARD. (funny status about Starbucks)
_______Excuse me..I don't mean to interrupt your swagger...but I noticed your pants were down below your A$$...Congratulations on your weight loss. (funny swag status)
_______According to experts, a successful marriage is about give and take. According to women, a successful marriage is about give and Take Back. (funny marriage status)
_______Scientists have confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door. because her A$$ was definitely outta this world.
_______No matter how bad things get in your life, I want you to know that I'll continue giving you irrelevant advice instead of actually helping you.
_______Sweetheart, how can you say I don't love you anymore?? I never loved you in the first place!! (funny love status)
_______I have a sharp memory. I remember what happened last week as if it happened 20 years ago.
_______So I asked the driver to take a right once we reach station and he was all like, "This is a F**kin' train, a**hole!"
_______If you love somebody, hold them tight and squeeze them till they feel suffocated and die of shortness of breath... and if they don't let you... They don't love you back.
_______I wasn't hiding. I was just admiring the circumference of this pillar.
_______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place.
_______Everyday is a Monday when you don't want to work.
_______So this really hot woman tells me,'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' So I told her, "Yeah I do. But what I don't wish for her to be is a hooker like you
_______I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream.  99% of them reply, "Where's my mommy?"
_______Sorry I'm late... I made an origami sailors hat out of a Waffle House napkin and got promoted to head chef.
_______If you die while using a Mac, your life won't flash before your eyes because Apple no longer supports it. (funny Apple Mac status)
_______Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
_______The air here is fresh enough to notice that someone spoilt it (funny fart status)
_______so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
_______Just saw this Indian lady collapsed on the street... I was wondering whether i should press the red panic button on her forehead.
_______Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

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