33 Hilarious, Cool, Clever and Funniest Status Updates

_______A twisted sense of humor runs in my family. I f my uncle had not poked pinholes in my dad's condoms you would not be reading this.

_______I wish that Liars' pants really would set on fire. That way we'd know by the flames who not to associate with.

_______Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it’s none of my f**king business.

_______I f you're good you can be on Santa's nice list......If you're naughty you can be on My Friends list!

_______"I  can' t I 'm dying on Friday!" - the response to anyone who asks me to do something on Friday.

_______I  laugh at addictions, I  can get off Facebook anytime I 'd like, take now for example as I  leave and go to the store for a pack of smokes.

_______I f you've been in a beauty contest and didn't start blowing the microphone during the talent portion, then you're just another pretty face.

_______Irony is when the vet tells you that your dog needs to have a CAT scan.

_______When I  was growing up the best social network site was the park.

_______A kid pointed at me saying "You've got autism!" I  said "That's a big word for someone who is 3,632 days old."

_______Just a fair warning, running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.

_______We have an inspirational poster in the break room at work that says nothing because posters cant talk.

_______Thought I  was listening to Skrillix... until I  heard the radio announcer say "This concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system."

_______Drinking coffee like I'm going to be productive or something.

_______I f you wear your heart on your sleeve... you should probably go to the hospital and get that sh!t checked out.

_______Voltage divided by current is futile.

_______Sometimes I wish people still said 'spiffing' instead of 'awesome' . Mainly so that I don' t sound like such a twat when I say it myself.

________Huh, what? Sorry... for a minute there, you actually bored me to death.

________You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. Instead, I get told to stop being silly and get back to work.

________Can't wait to see my kids' faces light up on Christmas morning when I set fire to my house for insurance purposes.

________A jogger just yelled at me for blocking the side walk with my car & I  tried to apologize but accidentally said “nice spandex faggot”

________Although the weather outside is frightful, & my bed is so delightful, but since my wife said "No",its off to work I  go, work I  go, work I  go.

________Some believe that bad people go to Hell when they die. Personally I think an eternity in Walmart during the Christmas season would be much worse.

________That awkward moment when your at the red light and a cop pulls up next to you an you try to reach for your seat belt and the damn thing locks up! Never fails.
Funny Awkward moment joke


________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.


________Have you ever tried to watch a fart in the cold? I  am standing outside in the snow and I  just walked in three circles.

You might also LIKE
Sarcastic Funny Status
Funny Pizza Status

32 Funny Witty and Hilarious Status about Government Shutdown, Apple, Yahoo and Walmart



_______If I had to pick one thing I hate most about driving and texting... it's probably all the people that show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
_______If you close your eyes and walk into Walmart... it smells just like PetSmart. (funny Walmart status)
_______I wonder what the people of Walmart do with all that extra time? You know, the time they save not brushing their teeth or getting dressed
_______People say potheads are lazy but I just reached under my couch to get a lighter
_______I don't care about the government shutdown because liquor stores are run by the state (funny status about US government shutdown)
_______I don't care that the government shut down, I just wish it would shut up.
_______did they even try a government restart before the government shut down?
_______Government jokes? It's like people haven't been fooled ten billion times before.
government jokes
_______My neighbor mowed his lawn at 6am so tonight I am going to get drunk and learn to play the drums
_______one advantage of dying will be that when my life flashes before my eyes, I can finally find out again what my old Yahoo mail password was... (funny yahoo status)
_______Sadly though, very few Girlfriends actually get married by their Boyfriends ... The rest are probably used as passwords for Yahoo Mail accounts...
_______I don't know why this guy in my basement doesn't understand that those handcuffs are just friendship bracelets.
_______Standing in Starbucks without a phone; What do I do with my hands? Where do I look? How do I pay? Oooh, eye contact... AWKWARD. (funny status about Starbucks)
_______Excuse me..I don't mean to interrupt your swagger...but I noticed your pants were down below your A$$...Congratulations on your weight loss. (funny swag status)
_______According to experts, a successful marriage is about give and take. According to women, a successful marriage is about give and Take Back. (funny marriage status)
_______Scientists have confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door. because her A$$ was definitely outta this world.
_______No matter how bad things get in your life, I want you to know that I'll continue giving you irrelevant advice instead of actually helping you.
_______Sweetheart, how can you say I don't love you anymore?? I never loved you in the first place!! (funny love status)
_______I have a sharp memory. I remember what happened last week as if it happened 20 years ago.
_______So I asked the driver to take a right once we reach station and he was all like, "This is a F**kin' train, a**hole!"
_______If you love somebody, hold them tight and squeeze them till they feel suffocated and die of shortness of breath... and if they don't let you... They don't love you back.
_______I wasn't hiding. I was just admiring the circumference of this pillar.
_______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place.
_______Everyday is a Monday when you don't want to work.
_______So this really hot woman tells me,'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' So I told her, "Yeah I do. But what I don't wish for her to be is a hooker like you
_______I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream.  99% of them reply, "Where's my mommy?"
_______Sorry I'm late... I made an origami sailors hat out of a Waffle House napkin and got promoted to head chef.
_______If you die while using a Mac, your life won't flash before your eyes because Apple no longer supports it. (funny Apple Mac status)
_______Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
_______The air here is fresh enough to notice that someone spoilt it (funny fart status)
_______so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
_______Just saw this Indian lady collapsed on the street... I was wondering whether i should press the red panic button on her forehead.
_______Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

You Might Also Like
Sarcastic Status
Hilarious Status Updates

31 Funny, Witty and Hilarious status Updates

_______I am not saying your breath is bad, but last time I caught a whiff I stopped, dropped, and rolled.
_______Whomever came up with the slogan of "the quicker picker upper" for Bounty obviously never tried Adderall.
_______Dont judge me but I'm looking at a single corn seed in my hand and yelling- I HAVE A UNI-CORN.
_______Sometimes i find myself thinking about the profound complexities of the universe, galaxies, our solar system, nature and its forces,the wonders of quantum physics, then i ask myself,''why do men have nipples?''
LOL joke quote status

_______My kids found my whip, my handcuffs and my mask in my room. So I just explained to them I was a superhero.
_______"Things change. Whether for better or for worse, we find out later - and that's a good thing, I suppose, because otherwise, either everything would change, or absolutely nothing." - Me, being all philosophical and shit.
_______Hey Blondy! you don't have to lick your finger to flip the page... on ipad
_______Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.
_______I'm not wearing any makeup today, so I'm planning on getting a ton of "Are you okay?" questions.
_______I was in town today and a guy just wouldn't stop staring at me, so I squared up to him and asked what his problem was.  He quickly backed off, so I got back on my unicycle and continued juggling....
_______Writing "Happy birthday dipshit. Hope you choke on your cake because you never like anything I post" is a good way to get deleted. Who knew?
_______My boss told me that if I don't stop blasting 80s metal music at work he was going to start Dokken my pay
_______This status is going to be short because this toilet seat is cold
_______I started doing the Insanity workout today and I have to say if you believe that you are crazy
_______Forgive me Facebook for I have sinned. It has been over 30 minutes since my last update
_______The nice thing about no one reading your posts is you can whatever the f**k you want to say
_______I entered a contest to have dinner with the cast of Twilight. I hope I win so I can piss off their fans when I don't show up
_______I wanted to post something pragmatic here but I am not sure that is even a real word
_______My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever
_______How many times am I supposed to let my coworkers phone ring when he doesn't answer it before I drop it in a glass of water
_______Stalking people is so much harder in the winter. Their windows fog up so much easier and they can see my breath from behind the tree.
_______If you've never flipped on and off a light switch while making thunder noises... then you weren't at my first rave party at my house in 1986.
_______I'm watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
_______Move along... just a guy saving money for a vacation... move along
________Learn to say no, after your tenth pizza slice that is.
________Even Bad Luck Brian appears happy in the meme after all that he's gone through and you think you've got problems.
________The sun feels sorry for you. please stop blaming it for wearing sunglasses indoors.
________Watching half-naked men hug each other and lay down to cover one another only to decide who did it better is NOT what WWE is all about.
________Please to park your car elsewhere! Can't you see my groceries are resting there?
________Stop posing in front of a mirror. Believe me nobody ever got famous for laughing at their own reflection while capturing a brilliant moment.
________Every other individual is ruined by facing the mirror with a phone, faking a smile and dying afterwards.
________Give man a pizza and he'll add ketchup and make it a dessert.