56 Funny Quotes

_____I don't mean to brag or anything, but.. I'm known around the office as Cuntalicious. :) (famous funny quote)
_____My ex-girlfriend was deaf....she left me for a deaf friend of her's...To be honest, I should have paid attention to those signs. (funny deaf quote status)
_____Some people have trust issues....not me, I figure why limit it to just trust, I prefer to just have issues in general (funny trust quote)
_____Women love to drop their laundry around me... which is starting to make these family get togethers awkward  (funny awkward moment quote status)
_____I hate it when I think of something funny while in the shower and I run out to the living room to save it on the laptop and my neighbor starts yelling and screaming "what the hell are you doing here?" (short funny joke)
_____My love for aliens is beyond this planet.  (famous funny love quote)
_____The only time a woman asks me a question I care about, is when she's my waitress and is asking me about what I want to eat.  (funny women quotes)
_____How rude of FB , to notify the whole world it's my birthday except me?!  (funny Facebook birthday quote)
_____i sent a "in-relationship" request but my vibrator declined (funny relationship quote for Facebook)
_____Ladies.. please stop neglecting your elbows! Put some lotion on those before they look like dried up pencil erasers 
_____i wish i was an ugly girl.. i would have had more subjects to make posts about.. like not getting laid.   (funny getting laid quote status)
_____I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I a jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.....  (great funny quote status)
_____I drink 2 beers at a time so I can toast myself. (funny beer quote)
_____Your body is a temple.. and I'm feelin' religious. :)  (famous funny quote)
funny waitress quote pic
_____I was in the V.I.P. booth at the club and the last time I had that many women rubbing my thigh was at the family reunion  (hilarious quote status)
_____We used to be friends on facebook, but that was before I banged your dad.  (funny dad quote)
_____I like my womens underwear like how I like the sun.......hot, looks better going down and disappears at night   (funny women quote)
_____This weekend I hope I am as wasted as my time spent on Facebook
_____If we are just subscribe and "Like" each others statuses but aren't friends... are we having a secret Facebook affair?  (funny affair quote)
_____Weird how an attractive face is criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.  (great funny famous quote)
_____I went down on an Indian chick once and my breath still smells like curry
_____Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons....they don't have a wife to go home to or they have a wife to go home too (funny wife quote)
_____I met a girl at a bar and after a few drinks her pants dropped faster than Facebooks stock value  (funny quote about Facebook stock value)
_____Today I held the elevator door for a retard.. Oops sorry maybe i shouldn't say this word.. I meant the 'lift'  (funny retard quote)
_____The sun's out and girls are wearing skirts today. The probability of me getting laid still hasn't changed though!  (funny getting laid quote)
_____Hey dumb  Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb  (famous funny quote, the punchline)
_____When you finish reading this you will have read what I wrote when I was writing this  (dumb quote)
_____I asked a homeless guy where he was from. He said, "I'm originally from just outside
_____Do you know what goes great with having dinner on the floor... a straw to suck up the vodka you spilled next to it!
_____Well, I balanced my check book.....on the edge of the table for 3 seconds before it fell
_____I just found a $100 bill that I forgot I had. Its from the electric company and if I dont pay it tomorrow they will shut my lights off
_____I took a free test today to see how smart I am and it only cost me $5  (stupid quote)
_____Some jacka** just tripped and fell on his face. I was laughing pretty hard until I noticed I was bleeding.  (dumb quote)
_____I am either having an off day or a bunch of my friends forgot how to read  (awesome funny quote status)
_____‎"Not tonight, honey. I've got cephalgia." - Why I don't date doctors.  (funny quote about cephalgia)
_____I almost got into a car accident,because I was reading a sign that told me to keep my eyes on the road...  (awesome creepy quote status)
_____You know the reason why Adele is still at the top of the chart....lol...because no one can move her.  (funny quote about Adele )
_____behind every successful man is that word successful.  (famous quote)
_____No silly im not a whore i just look that way on facebook. Giggles  (funny Facebook status)
_____You know I'm not supposed to be talking or texting while you are driving me crazy!
_____I hate how I have to hold a fart in until my guests have to go to the bathroom....
_____Drinking is great for my health. It takes me three times longer to walk home from the bar (great hilarious quote status)
_____People at work don't like me because apparently they think I'm conceited....I doubt that's the reason tho..........its probably cuz I'm too awesome  (conceited quote)
_____There are few things in this world that can't be solved with a swift kick to the head. (creepy quote)
_____Be careful when getting set up on blind dates. Dimples and a personality is code for a 60 inch waist and schizophrenic. (be careful quote)
_____Frosty beverages, in twelve packs I buy thee, when the time is right, usually at night, I pledge to consume thee
_____Every time I see a sad, bitter, lonely old lady I want to hug her and ask "you know cats exist, right?"
_____When a guy says ”no homo” it usually is homo (funny homo quote)
_____All I want is some peace & quiet around here... you give me a piece & then I'll be quiet. :p  (awesome funny quote status)
_____I just stole a smart car... you should see all these bicycle cops behind me!
_____I am having the best f**king day; I called my Mother-in-law a b!tch and now my wife is giving me the silent treatment ... twice blessed.  (short funny joke, the punch line)
_____Sometimes I get distracted by Facebook. My wife just texted me asking what I want to eat for dinner. My response.... your mom. I am afraid to answer my phone (one liner joke)
_____I just ate salmon and now my breath smells like cat food.  In related news.. I'm still single.
_____So last year 700,212 got killed by passive smoking....personally I think that it served them good for not buying their own  cigarettes (funny statics quote)
_____Last night they threw me out of the hospital....They shouldn't have those signs which says 'Stroke patients here' (funny patient quote)
_____You think my posts suck, you should see my ransom note... just ask this elephant in my basement! (LOL quotes)
_____Before you make a wish on a star make sure its not a police helicopter

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_____My wife says she's leaving me because I'm too obsessed with no punchline jokes (the punchline)
_____Funny how that girl had a sign that said Will work for food but she didnt want to give me a job (humor quote)
_____Since learning that an injury is forgotten much sooner than an insult, I always make sure to compliment people before I rip their spleens out. (insult quotes)
_____I can never spell 'basterd' correctly. I think I'm illiteregitimate. (bastard quote)
_____ Dear important website I always visit, please shove that premium membership button up you’re a** (website quote)
_____ Women hate football because those guys get pounded when they have THEIR pads on (funny football quotes)
_____ Friend: Dude you were so stoned last night Me: Ah! That explains all the bruises on my face  (cute quote status)
_____Ladies, if you can't beat them, go to the gym. (lady Quotes)
_____My wife told me to stop playing with myself, but with a schlong like mine, it's more work than play. (wife quotes)
_____Lady, if you really meant it, your 'I'm sorry' would be as loud as your sneeze. (lady quotes)
_____I have something in my pants that drives women crazy. Too bad its a Rubiks Cube (rubiks cube quote)
_____Don't just have a good day.. be the one that makes the good day. That.. and weed. :) (funny weed quote)
_____I got a job advertising clothing made of chocolate and caramel. I always wanted to be a Rolo model
_____When I see how bad some men are at hiding the fact that they are checking out some hot young thing walking by, it makes me wonder if I am a lot more obvious than I think I am. (hot quotes)
_____If you dont want people to talk down to you all the time maybe you should spend less time on your knees (cute hilarious quote status)
_____How can you say I am concieted when clearly I am just STANDING here being awesome? (Awesome quote)
_____I am so glad you never put your money where your mouth is because I would get paper cuts on my ****  (funny money quote)
_____My wife asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of hearing it so I told her to put a sock in it (humorous quote status, short joke)
_____When a guy asks what you do for a living he’ll probably walk away when you answer, "Your mom." But the look on his face is totally worth it. (jokes about yo momma)
_____Best advice when you're angry is to calm down, take a deep breath and walk away...far enough to safely detonate the explosives. (advice quotes)
_____Now how can I say this and still be discreet? Your face is so scary it made my bowels release (funny face quotes)
_____"I'm in rare form today!!!" - Steak....I'm sorry that you have to read that.....
_____‎I was trying to figure out how this girl could have so many friends on FB then I realized its because she eats more nuts than a squirrel (funny quote about Facebook)
_____I don't mind writing on my friends' Facebook walls for their birthdays; it's the least I can do. Literally... The least I can do. (funny birthday quotes)
_____When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c**t guess what her tip is? (great funny quote status)
_____You know if I had a penny for every time I have hit my ex-girlfriend. I could buy a hockey stick and hit that b!t*h real harder. (quotes on ex girlfriend)
_____I bought myself a wonderful picture today..............it was really a mirror but when I'm standing in front of it...there is such a lovely view (happy quote)
_____My new secretary really sucks. It's her only good quality. (secretary quotes)
_____I hate when I am trying to eat something and it farts (fart quotes)
_____Whenever I make my own sandwich I leave myself a tip. Like - GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT NEXT TIME! (funny sandwich quote)
_____Whenever I find a pubic hair in a library book I think “Oh, I've already read this one.”
funny sarcastic quote image funny picture quote
_____They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks but your mom sure learned a lot last night
_____I've saved a lot of time by faking headaches instead of orgasms.
_____It's probably for the best that I don't design airports. First thing I'd do would be replace all the moving sidewalks with slip n' slides.
_____I hate it when women just walk straight past me and waste a perfectly good erection. (famous funny quote)
_____I'm sorry, but until people figure out how to hibernate, I'm going to have to declare that bears are smarter.
_____Love may begin with butterflies in my stomach, but I'm always hoping it ends with my semen in yours (funny love quote)
_____In an effort to improve productivity. Send all emails to the trash bin.
_____Women are like smiles. If you see one on my face there's a good chance that I am happy (funny woman quotes)
_____I was writing some poetry when I realize that Barack Obama rhymes with I banged your mama (funny Obama quote)
_____If you are reading this it is because I only block people who are funnier than me
_____When a woman says her CREATIVE juices are flowing, does that mean she is on her period?
_____I don't like eating my greens. I prefer smoking them
_____asking me to stop being a smart a** is like asking you to start being smart...just not happening. (smart quotes)
_____Saving my sarcasm and just punching people in the throat...not alot though. ... just a lil. (sarcastic quotes)
_____So I blocked my toilet...and now I really regret that why the fugg I added it on my messenger list in the first place.
_____I have friends who don't want kids. But they already have them.
_____Shaking your children is wrong. Here, shake mine instead.
_____Tell me how much you hurt so I can have something to smile about later.
_____Facebook shares are falling on the stockmarket because shareholders found out that on the website: shares, likes, and pokes are free.  (funny Facebook stock quote)
_____I just learned the hard way that Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix...
_____Just want to give a big shout out to all the people giving shout outs to other people.
_____Why does Facebook think I care what music my friends are listening to on Spotify (funny Facebook status)
_____Based on my recent activity I think pushing people away is my favorite form of cardio (cardiac quote)
_____my wife asked for a smart phone like blackberry or iphone so I gave her a black-i (iPhone quote)
_____My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

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_____ If you are a passenger in my car and you start singing along to what ever the hell I may be listening to... I will drive that car right off a f**king cliff!
_____ My family didn't even know I was a drinker... until I went to the reunion sober!
_____ Listen lady... When I say "You're beautiful!" The correct response should be "Thank you." Not, "Why is your hand down your pants!?"
_____ Just made a wish by throwing a coin in the fountain.... Guess it didn't work, cause all these people are still staring at me in the mall food court while I take a bath!
_____ Well, I did it... I took the bull by the horns. Now I sh!t myself and walk with a limp
_____ My medicine cabinet looks a lot like my liquor cabinet... minus the medicine (funny liquor quote)
_____ Insulting me will get you nowhere... plus it makes you look like a f**ktard! (insulting quotes)
_____ I get so damn nervous when driving past a cop... I put a seat-belt around my case of beer, slam the open one, swallow the roach and do 4 miles an hour, and just smile and wave! :)
_____ The Internet has totally ruined nudity for me. :(
_____ I'll admit it, I get a little nasty every time I see a camel wearing yoga pants around their feet.
funny proposal quote
_____ Honey, I'd feel a lot better if you wouldn't chop cucumbers like that... while I'm sleeping in bed!
_____ Building for Rent is the stupidest name change I have ever heard of, for my local Blockbuster.
_____ Is it just me or does Stevie Nicks look like sh!t in that Burger King commercial?
_____ Sometimes, when I'm feeling really old school... I'll pull out a pair of gloves, and smack you across the face.
_____ Whenever someone stops and asks me for directions... I like to punch em in the face, knocking them unconscious, then drive to the liquor store, get drunk, puke in their car, drive back, wake them up and say... No. (funny drunk quote status)
______ I hate in when I see a hot girl, friend request her, text for weeks, decide to meet... and find out its my wife... again! (funny wife quote)
_____ Too many romantic movies and too few hanging ropes
_____‎"I need help".   Ok let me know if you need help - fb friends.
_____You're a f**king idiot, not to be rude or anything
_____If a girl you like rejects you,accuse her of witchcraft,and have her burned at the....no wait,this one's out of date...so nevermind
_____They are saying that the guy who is making jokes about Mark Zuckerberg's marriage will be banned from Facebook. But he is still a Mystery
_____I need a lifeguard in my life because some friends be killing me, especially the ones with bad breath!
_____Most funny people use humor to mask pain and I am no exception. All of my life I have been made fun of...for having a freakishly large organ
_____If your dad asks I was with you last night ok?
_____If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!
_____The thing I like about masturbating is that it turns premature ejaculation into effective time management.
_____If having kids has taught me anything, is that it's never too early to get a Vasectomy.
_____I don't want to sound racist or anything, but I'll bet black construction paper prefers white crayons
_____Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to end anytime soon. (funny Siri quote)
_____So as I found myself drunk again on my birthday, I had to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror...then wonder why I was peeing in the sink.....again.....and what happened to my underwear anyway?
_____The only negative thing about not wearing' any underwear is.. zipper chaffage. :(
_____Looks like all the pictures of the sun in my news feed today will ECLIPSE all the pictures of talking cats (funny solar eclipse quote)
_____There was a blackout in my neighborhood this morning.He was just walking his dog but I still locked my doors
_____So there I was sitting in the restaurant having a wank..................when I thought............that's a weird name for a sandwich
_____Do they let you select your own color when they put you in a straight jacket?......asking for a friend.....
_____I missed the eclipse yesterday...... But if you cross your eyes and squint, it looks like there's an eclipse all the time.......... I'm kind of a scientist........ (funny eclipse quote)
_____my friends think so low of me.. which proves they know me well.. :-D
_____Whenever someone brags about their diet, I send a cookie request from 'bakerytown'
_____The East Coast couldn't see the solar eclipse. That is prejudice, eclipse. Prejudice. (funny eclipse quote status)
_____I asked my son if he wanted a better view of the eclipse. When he said yes I mooned him. Get it? The moon was in front of the son. Yeah he didnt laugh either (Solar eclipse quote status joke)
_____My friend is so fat the only thing that fits him at the mall is the cologne
_____They raised her up a lady but there's one thing they couldn't avoid.. ladies love biker boys! :)
_____They say that 43% of the hot chicks on Facebook are really guys thats why I only jack off to the ugly ones
_____I don't know which is gayer... This post or you liking it?
_____Well, if you didn't want me to joust your kid while riding this ostrich... then you should of took him off the f*cking playground!
_____I recently bought a guard dog and he is really awesome... I haven't been able to get into my house for 3 days now!
_____if i poke you means i like you.. if i try to kill you.. its probably love
_____My roommate said to me, Im sick of you being so lazy...just pack your bags and leave...and I was all You pack them. (lazy quote)
_____If writing statuses were an Olympic sport some of you wouldn't qualify for the Special ones (funny Olympic quote status)
_____Sometimes the best advice comes from the most unsuspected people............Just last night a hooker told me "I wouldn't lick there if I was you"
_____call the cops on me for driving over your grass with my four wheeler? Just wait to see what 50 pounds of flour does to your swimming pool.
_____I hope my online gf never finds out that there is no wife and that I'm only leaving my stuffed animals behind.
_____Don't let anyone tell "YOU" you're not good enough. Let me. Trust me, I wouldn't steer you wrong.
_____Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to go to a public place and eat a banana really slow while making eye contact with everyone. Everyone.
_____People always say its a small world but I never run into Beyonce
_____My car broke down so my wife gave me a lift to work today.................I don't know why people thought it was so strange for her to be carrying me in her arms! (funny quote status about wife)

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_____I just got an electric sandwich maker. Ok, its a remote control shock collar that I put on my wife but it works great.
_____For every person that leaves my life 2 new bottles of liquor enter my blood stream to celebrate. (funny liquor quote)
_____I only post jokes about banging your mom because I would get reported if I posted the photos (your mom quotes)
_____This water-melon tastes like I was lonely, drunk and hor** last night. (hor** quote)
_____i hate it when my date goes on saying ''i feel as if someones' watching us..''   comeon dude, i aint lame like you.. I have stalkers who love me ;-) (funny stalker quote)
_____Have you ever looked at a car & wonder what it would look like as a giant Robot?.....yeah me neither
_____I tried proposing to my Boyfriend once... When I look back now, I think it all went wrong when I got down on my knees.
_____You can tell a lot about a woman by her hair color. Yours says you are Nice N Easy
_____I just looked at my most recent ex & thought: Did I really like THAT? ..did I have a stroke then get well and nobody told me
_____She licked her thumb before handing me the paper. Now I'm hoping my story inspires other victims to come forward.
_____Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many  partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep
_____While waiting at traffic lights, I lick out my tongue and make funny faces at people that way not a minute was wasted. (funny traffic lights quote status)
_____Wishes i could get back all the minutes of my life wasted on long traffic lights (funny traffic lights quote status)
_____This is the second time this week that I've misplaced my keys...I really should keep a better eye on my cocaine..
_____My mate doesn't drink alcohol anymore .I think the turning point was probably last Tuesday when he died!!!
_____I thought about chasing after you, but I'm probably not good enough to catch you :( ~ In Security Guards
_____I know your not a mind-reader, because we would have never started talking if that was the case.
_____Love how my autocorrect spells Hung with a capital H. It apparently knows where my priorities are.
_____Y'all will be happy to know that I haven't lost my britches in 30 day's now.
_____My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious...  So I threw her into a Volcano.
_____When someone asks me "Is it hot enough for you" I like to put my hand down my pants and say "not yet"
_____I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!
­­_____I am giving away a deaf genie, a 10 inch Bic and a million Ducks if anyone wants them
_____Had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home
_____please keep refrigerated ~ cool statuses
_____My statuses make sense, if you don't read them.
_____It's all about perspective. Think about it... the sinking of the Titanic for example... to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen, it was a tale of Freedom. (funny titanic quote)
funny Mark Zukerberg marriage quote image pic
_____I failed in my drawing exam today..Apparently "Grip" is not the right answer for "What is the difference between Purple and Pink?".
_____I want to write a book explaining the difference between Procreation and Procrastination. F**k it I will do it later
_____So I saw a sign at the local pub which said 'Watch Football Live Here' so I carried a mattress and a blanket ...but after a match they kicked me out. (funny football quote status)
_____First rule of fight club is.. Hey who farted? (fart quote status)
_____Back to my family site where I am treated with disrespect. It's better than being ignored!
_____ Being a "nice" person hasn't improved my life, my job status or the amount of money I have in the bank. So all you people who don't like my statuses...."suck my d**k and die!"
_____Fellas, when you feel down, just think about the fact that you have a urine pistol attached to you. Go piss on shit you beautiful bastards.
_____I bet the guys in Kriss Kross developed a strong bond through having to button up each other's shirts.
_____ Mark Zuckerberg got married? I thought there was a ban on gay marriage (funny Mark Zuckerberg marriage quote)
_____ If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
_____ Kids really aren't so bad if you rip out their vocal chords and break their kneecaps with a baseball bat.
_____ Mark Zuckerberg got married...I wonder if he lost his virginity on the wedding night? (funny Mark Zuckerberg wedding quote status)
_____ I almost shit myself when my roommate told me that I overreact.
_____ Now, I'm not saying my ex girlfriend is a fat ugly b!t*h... I'm  typing it.
_____ I've got a million dollar idea...ask one million people for a dollar (funny idea)
_____ I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.
_____ Zuckerberg got married yesterday. I hope when they get divorced... she takes half of the a**holes on my friends list with her! (Funny Mark Zuckerberg marriage quote status)
_____ Lif is really too short.
_____ I don't understand why your dog gives me a dirty look when I go shit in his yard.
______ If life starts at conception, my novel is already in paperback.
_____ "Well... that could have gone better..." - Me, five minutes after everything, everywhere, with everyone, every bloody time.
_____ The f**ks that I don't give are now available in extra-large. Hurry while stocks last.
_____ 'Off' seems to be an appropriate description for the kind of pissed I've been all day.
_____ I hate it when people say 'dot the i's and cross the t's'. How the f**k am I supposed to know which is which?
_____ If you can recognize your girl from the back of their head... then you're doing them right! ;)
_____ Does this vomit on my shirt make me look like I can't drink anymore?

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_____I don't like it when my wife calls me names..........she knows my name is --------..but for some reason 'names' is what she prefers to call me!!!!
_____ i really like my men as i like my pets... alive and begging to be released... :))
_____If you will give an elderly rabbit a viagra, he will die....didn't you hear that saying 'Old rabbit die hard' (funny viagra quotes)
_____I liked my dad's wife a lot more back when she was just my mom's best friend... 
_____with all these comebacks i am coming up with.. my mood is getting better and better.. obviously yours is going bad to worst..
_____i go for 1/2 hour yoga session.. And sleep 3 hours after coming home.. Cuz you know my body needs resting (funny yoga quote)
_____I don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun
_____No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off
_____I wish I was still a baby sometimes cause my widdle fist would fit right into someone eye socket and plus I could get away with punching people.
_____My girlfriend says she wants to start seeing other people....................reasonable enough.....considering how long she's been locked up in my basement!!!!
_____i am not always correct......but when i am not..... o am still f**king right!!!!
_____When the f**k are they gonna figure out how to fax a beer.:/
_____I kill mosquitoes with my bare hands... So yeah, I'm gang ready.
_____I can honestly say, I have no desire to wear clothes around you.
_____I love how my car goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 minutes.
_____I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat (funny tyre quote)
_____Whenever I'm at work I like to stay on facebook all day just to see all of my friends who are wasting time (funny Facebook status)
_____I accidentally dropped my ink pen in the toilet today..darn thing writes like absolute crap now.
_____Hit a skateboarder with my truck, he was ok, then read his shirt "Skate or Die"... So I backed over him!
_____Use other people's stuff carefully, especially when they don't know that u're using it.
_____Facebook android app is slower then shit...takes 17 mins to see a lame ass photo of food that was posted 2 hrs ago. Epic fail. (funny android quote)
_____most times i find it is my sober activity that is highly inappropriate.
_____I just opened my credit card bill and everything around me died.
_____I hope this cop don't pistol whip me sober... I've worked to hard to get this drunk and steal his car.
_____Her Brown Eye has tunnel vision........ ;-)
_____I never got beat as a child. The hell is still in me.
_____It would be nice if once in a while Alex Trebek overrode the time clock and just read the final clue....
_____I don't understand these "Slow Children" signs.......If they're really slow, I'll see them coming with plenty of time to react!!!...
_____The girl I met at the bar must of been a magician because when she texted me that she was pregnant I disappeared (funny magician quote)
_____I leave all the tough decisions in life up to my magic 8 ball and the answer is always Stop doing so much cocaine
_____It's raining/snowing/sun shining.......I can't wait to update my status and alert all my friends who don't have any windows! (funny status)
_____I wake up people in the wee hours of the morning so I can flip them the early bird.
_____My feet are killing me from wearing these stripper heels all day . And I'm not even a stripper !!........Respect. (short joke pun)
_____It doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full as long as Lupita washes it when I am done using it
funny coca-cola quote image
_____Sometimes I wonder how many awesome prizes I've missed out on winning simply because I'm too lazy to enter the code under the Coca-Cola bottle cap.
_____Having romance and tellin your friend over the phone that you're in the middle of something isn't totally a lie (funny romantic quote)
_____This status was constipated until everyone liked the shit out of it
_____i cant believe people are so always pretending to be someone else.. Have i ever go ahead and claimed to be superman?? Noh.. Coz i am Batman..!! (funny batman quote)
_____For people I don't really love: <NO3
_____I went to town on those beautiful breasts and magnificent thighs, now what shall I do with this greasy box? - me after a 5 piece chicken dinner from KFC (funny KFC quote)
_____That awkward moment when you spent hours trying to remember that one good joke to tell your friends... and you punch up the mess line!
_____I tried to rob a train old school, but they didn't have any money, so I shot the horse... Now I don't have any money, and I'm stuck with a horse with a gun shot wound. :(
_____Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so.
_____After all the times people have said I was boring it's nice to hear today that the police have classified me as a person of interest.
_____I think it's fair enough to say that 1 out of one hundred eye drops landed in my eye at one time.
_____I just got a request from my son who doesnt know this is me. Hope he likes my jokes about banging his mom
_____i get many pokes a day... But yours' is always special... ; )
_____I am working on a Bruno Mars parody. Here is a sample. I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad. I'll bang your mom and you can call me dad. Pretty good so far right? (funny Bruno Mars quote)
_____I'm logging out.... then, I'll wipe and flush. No worries, I'll keep FB open, during the process.
_____Ok no more jokes tonite about your mom. I have to take a shower before she gets here (your mom quotes)
_____Next time you get mad at your mom inbox me her address. (your mom quotes)
_____Just got back from my High School reunion... I celebrated by staying home, getting drunk and burning my yearbook page by page! (funny reunion quote)
_____I wish everything in life was as easy as your mom (your mom quotes)
_____The other day, I helped my neighbor clean his yard, I took all his split wood and burned it for him
_____Bad news, the vicar of my local church died today of Organ Failure, half way through the Sunday service the organ fell on him (funny organ)

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_____Some guys have "six-pack abs", but it takes a real man to carry around a 2-pack and keg.
_____The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again..... I should really consider canceling that newspaper subscription.... Rude little bastard.......
_____If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard, I'd buy a smartphone. (funny smartphone quote status)
_____Let me get this straight.----------------------------------- that's better.
_____if your hotness caused global warming.. I am the reasoning for The Big Bang..!!! (hot quote status)
_____i don't know why guys are so afraid to go into my basement!! :-/
_____Don't ask God to help you come up with a good status because he doesn't work that way. Just steal this one and ask for forgiveness.
_____Someone very close to me died today. But with all due respect, I told the idiot not to come close to me or I'd shoot! (funny idiot quote status)
_____Ladies ... If you are even moderately attractive, then all of your male friends, including the married ones, have thought about you while pleasuring themselves. Try not to let that freak you out next time you see them.
_____At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMMIT! PROVED! (autocorrect quotes)
_____Well, Hell yeah. If you take the alcohol, the laughter, and the coming home naked out of the story. I guess I was an a**hole last night. me to my wife. 
_____The secret of staying young is to never say things like "I remember when...", "When I was your age...." or "These kids nowadays..."
_____I don't think you understand!! We would get along perfectly..... if you would kindly just walk heart first into a sharp knife!!
_____What's the magnet limit before your refrigerator tips over?
_____Mother's Day is very hard on Bambi........
_____I've been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for a while........till her husband found out (funny Jenny Craig quotes)
_____I'm going to try and be totally classy this summer..... First step, not peeing in an overcrowded, public pool....... We'll try again next week......
_____I am throwing a party for people who love to have orgasms and I was wondering if you can come
_____Have you heard the latest about Alice in Chains? She has lost a lot of weight in my basement
_____My friend said she wanted to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat so I told her to chop off her head
_____Screw walking away from an explosion in slow motion...... I want to crush someone's c-spine with my foot while shaking violently and screaming ooooooooohwhaaaaaaa!
_____It is very hard to coach my 9 year old son's soccer team when all I can think about is how badly I want a motor boat the MILF in a tank top sitting next to the field.
funny yo mama joke image
_____The worst thing I have ever done for money was your mom (funny mom quotes)
_____You're taking that long walk into a room with confidence, head held high then you enter the room and that moment you wonder...What the f*&k did I come in here for?
_____I've been flirting with disaster... and now disaster won't stop stalking me. :( (funny disaster quotes)
______I just went out and bought a new cock ring  But my chickens still refuse to fight !!!
______I think there should be a filter to catch all Facebook re-posts and Twitter retweets... And once caught, it's two weeks probation back on MySpace!
______Sometimes you just have to LOL @ some people.
______Why is it that when I say I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow.. I do and I'm never good at work tomorrow
_____It wouldn't hurt you to at least like one of my posts tonight.
_____my neighbor called my dog an ankle biter, so i picked my dog up and let him bite her in the neck.....i hate stereotypes..
_____I saw a homeless person today, he was all bummed out.
_____when people say i'm the sh!t, i get so excited that sometimes i me myself
_____You can tell a lot about a woman by.............well........sneaking in and reading her diary!!
_____So tonight there I was sitting on the toilet seat......doing some deep thinking.........it really got me wondering....who really is the gossip girl?
______How to make $$$$: press shift-4 4 times
______I can tell by the way you did not like my posts today that your mom told you about me banging her last night (funny mom quotes)
_____The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid  profile picture next to it
_____We are having a formal party at work on Friday and the boss said to Dress to Impress so I am gonna take a Viagra and wear my birthday suit
_____If you have never worn parachute pants... then chances are you have never done a back spin on a piece of cardboard in the middle of the street either.
_____Just clogged the toilet at work. Looks like I can go home early.. my work here is done. :)
_____I watched my husband bite into an apple and swallow a worm. I would have warned him if I cared.
_____I never believed in the saying "Actions are louder than words". If you beat the heck out of someone, the scream will definitely be louder than the beating.
_____The difference between a motorcycle "club" member and a motorcycle "gang" member is about 500 cc's.
_____I respect that you told me your body is your temple.. That's why I removed my shoes before I came inside. (funny temple quotes)
_____You have got to be joking .. Gas is 4.39 a gallon and she still thinks I'm just coming over to "chill"
_____Sticks and stones may break my bones. So stop hitting me with them stupid
_____Have you tried the new seafood diet? I see you eating food and I slap the crap outta you.
_____My dream is to buy a cheap car and ram into every car and pedestrian I can find......
_____I headed to the local club and immediately started chatting to the 1st girl I saw and got right to the point. Hey beautiful, how do you like your eggs in the morning?   Unfertilized. she replied.
_____After a heated intervention, I decided to get help for my gambling problem. I called the number and said, Hit me. Im all in.
_____I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone... (funny cellphone status)

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_____The wife said she wanted me to do something to make her feel special, so I bought her a foam helmet (funny wife quote status)
_____I can make sandwiches while face down or on my back. just consider me the perfect woman.
_____Hey kids, it is easier to make a fake state liquor inspectors ID than a 21 year olds' ID, and a hell of a lot more fun.
_____I just opened an advice booth... and the answer is always "F**k yeah!" NEXT!
_____Kissing things better is for babies. If I'm sad you should lick me better.
_____I finally found LOVE!!! Page 803 in the dictionary.
_____I still think that if people put "what's on their mind" and were honest---statistically the most popular status update would be lust.
_____Just found out that Google searches stay on your hard drive forever.. Needless to say my PC will never be for sale.. (funny Google quote status)
_____Great news everyone, my grandma' turns 103 next month ................................. Maybe.
_____In a survey it was assessed that apparently 100% of the guys who have seen me with or without clothes wish that i should try wearing Cat-woman or super-woman outfits.. :-D
_____things you play with excessively sometimes break.. like toys.. someday it will be your p*n!s.. :))
_____i run away from alot of things in life.. Reality is just one of them..
_____Pop music wouldn't be so bad, but they want you to do so much shit. I just don't wanna "smack it up, flip it or rub it down."
_____C'mon facebook...just forty more likes and I can save that little girls life..
_____I'm not really into big b**bs, but sometimes my face is!
_____I seem to have this thing for people that annoy the hell out of me. I like to call it a b!tch slap
_____If you're getting the most incredibly smooth shave with a blade ever, put your glasses back on and take the plastic slide cap off.
______My wife says she is leaving me cuz i'm delusional and make things up. Stupid b!tch. Im not even married. (funny wife quote)
_____I just love when the girl at the pharmacy gives me head........and shoulders shampoo for my itchy scalp
_____A good mom will always make sure her kids have marshmallows ready to roast BEFORE setting daddy on fire
_____Look lady I most certainly did not see a "no masturbating " sign so could u do your freaking job and just serve me my coffee!!!!
_____When I was younger I had a 50 cent piece. Then her friend told her she isn't charging enough
_____I'm "Bi-Curious". I'm curious enough to stand bi watching two chicks...in REAL life!
_____I hate when I meet someone my age and I think they're older then me. Makes me wonder how these people see me.
_____If your mind is always in the gutter you must suck at bowling (funny mind quote)
_____How about that Time Magazine cover....yeah that kid when he's in his 20's is going to be at the bar...."Yeah, i've been on the cover of Time Magazine" 
_____Ever wanted to fry some eggs to make a sandwich but it starts to stick to the pan......so u end up with some lovely scrambled eggs!!!
_____Two things I hate worse than anything... Drunk people who misspell siht and I forget the other
_____I ate a box of cereal for dinner and now my Life is in the toilet
_____If someone does the right thing but only has one leg, does that make them a 'goody one shoe' ???
_____This status is just a test to see if anyone is paying attention to me!
_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!
_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!
_____I saw someone got both their ears pierced yesterday................I'm really shitty at darts
_____Ironic that One Direction goes both ways.
_____The older you get, the better life insurance you have, and the more my doctors tell me that I can not fly.
_____Now thats the 5th time I've had my application for the special olympics declined...it seem that there is no such thing as a giant dwarf :(
_____I saw a smart car on fire as I was driving down the highway... so I spit out the window and put it out.
_____You know all those "Terms of Service" agreements you skip over without reading... Well, you've just adopted my kids! Hey, whatever... I don't make the rules, read that sh*t next time!
_____Well work is now over and its time for me to partaaay!!...........and by that I mean read FB posts!!!
funny tag pic image
_____I just tagged you in a post and deleted it, because, I like having you wonder what I said about you.
_____Someone told me I was a very Purr-Swaying person... and I don't even own a cat or a hammock!?
_____I smoke flavoured cigarettes because regular cancer is too mainstream
_____There are times when I have more sh!t on my mind than a bug on a windshield
_____My dog is supposed to be my best friend, but that little b!tch would not give me a ride to the airport.
_____   Metaphor - somebody who gave up on meeting a ten and decided to be a bit more realistic.
_____In high school I made the polo team. I wasn't good enough to start thought so I just rode the bench.
_____Feel the curiosity rushing up your nerves as you try to figure the punch line of this post....  ...Now note the pissed off feeling.
_____I would love to have all the relationships in my life be as effective as ketchup. That sh!t makes everything taste better
_____I would eat a lot more salad if it tasted like a cheeseburger.
_____kids, dont do drugs.. Cuz you know i am possessive about my love!! (funny love quote saying)
_____they should just call it wastebook all the time wasted on it i could have read a good book (funny Facebook status)
_____my friend and his girl friend died today.. But the food in their marriage was really nice..
_____I'm angry like Hulk, but only my finger seems to be swelling from getting stuck in between the door.
_____I've got brains, courage, determination and insight. If I  would be a cute chick I would be unstoppable.
_____I think my mom enjoys the pearl necklace I give her for Mother's Day every year. But for some reason it makes my Dad so upset. (funny mother's day quote status)

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_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite
_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)
_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)
_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/
_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!
_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....
_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.
_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?
_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!
_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic
_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot
_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)
_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.
_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)
_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)
_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.
_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.
_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.
_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.
_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis
_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.
_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix
_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul
_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!
_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)
_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal
_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol
_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.
_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble
_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.
_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life
_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)
_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..
_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk
_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.
_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.
_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts
_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!
_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me
_____Better late than never................ Period probably.
_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.
funny life insurance quote pic
_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.
_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)
_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....
_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....
_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"
_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets...  Am i forgetting anything..??
_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)
_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...
_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O
_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher

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