28 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!

_______When life hands you lem... *slips on a banana peel*

_______Sometimes you dream about people, not because they are in your heart but because they are on your hitlist

_______I'm glad that after 20 years of marriage I can still make my wife smile and be happy, mostly when I leave for work

_______My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

_______Hmmm it's a nice rainy day....I should wear white, do my hair, wash the car and water the yard today.

_______I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i'm the one

_______Remember that really funny status you posted yesterday ? Yeah, me either...

_______Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn't know you...

_______You get a great sense of achievement when you accomplish things....so I heard anyway.

_______Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

_______My hubby thinks I spend too much time on Facebook. Don't worry, you guys. My next husband won't mind.

_______I need your advice. I'm not insecure, am I?

_______You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

_______My girlfriend is soooo awesome. Attractive, funny, good-natured, kind ... I know my wife and her would get along fabulously if they met.

_______I'm at my sexiest, when I'm standing next to someone really unattractive....

_______By the time I'm done, if a picture of my liver doesn't end up in a medical college textbook in the Cirrhosis chapter, then my time here will have been wasted.

_______How many light bulbs does it take to change people? Especially the ones that need to see the light.

_______THIS protein bar doesn't taste like protein. I know what protein tastes like.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______Bananas turn black and blue because the secretly practice boxing while we're sleeping at night..

_______After a lot of visits from the Stork your favorite bird becomes the Swallow.

_______My secret to success? Embracing my failures, loving them and calling them success. Pretty easy!

_______The phones we have nowadays are pieces of shit. Try to use them for just a little while and the batteries die. If you drop them the screens crack. F**k this, I'm going back to using a brick as a phone.

_______I'm only poking you back out of politeness....

_______All my statuses are original, I'm just not the one who came with them.

_______I knew from the first time I saw her that she was my soulmate, but my wife seemed to think otherwise.

________It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.

________Shifting your focus can change your perspective and open you to new ideas. So can drugs

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7 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______Please spread the fact that I've got a very good sense of rumor.

_______I confess - I'm a Grammar Nazi. Feel free to criticize and leave as many derogatory comments as you see fit. It's not like I can understand any of the syntactically abysmal drivel that you bash out anyway. (funny grammar Nazi status)

_______That awkward moment where you go to 'air' kiss someone and punch them in the face... (funny kiss love status)

_______Sometimes when I'm depressed about being broke, I can't help but think that if it wasn't for the fact that I'm so good looking and humble I wouldn't have anything going. (funny depressed status)

_______A friend of mine was trying to explain all the crap going on in the world, and I told him, "Man, you might as well be speaking Chinese, I don't understand any of it." So he said, "快開戰了" (funny Chinese status)

_______A :oscopy proves that punctuation can be a pain in the as* sometimes. 

_______I hate it when someone accuses me of not listening to whatever the f**k they were talking about.. (funny sarcastic status)

_______I'll bet if you accidentally kill someone in a hall of mirrors you have a lot of time to reflect on your mistake. (stupid funny Facebook status)

6 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______I'm standing at a crossroad................. but there's a car coming so I have to move (funny life status)

_______I f**king hate those people who are full of useless information.. Like women who tell me they have a boyfriend.. (funny hatred status)

_______I used to be a professional fighter, in fact I was the second-best boxer in my country.  I had over 100 fights and came 2nd in every one.  (funny Facebook status)

_______after a long wait the people of east London finally got the news they wanted this week. the new iPhone will be available to rob later this month  (funny status about iPhone)

_______I always wear my best suit on my birthday... but these people at church this morning act like they've never seen a grown naked man before! (funny birthday status)

_______I can't believe that someone just accused me of being a grammer nazi! It's 'grammar', for f**k's sake.  (funny grammar status)