25 Hilarious, Funny, Witty and clever Facebook Statuses

_______I made a list of people who can kiss my a** and you are on it. Twice
 _______If you can't teach your friend's kid to say bad things, you need better friends.
 _______I call it love, she calls it stalking. Can't we just agree to disagree?
 _______I don't like people talking about be behind my back, unless he's really hot, calling my name and pulling my hair..
 _______I bought a smartphone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.
 _______I bought a gun because I heard looks can kill, I need to defend myself from my ugly looking neighbors.
funny facebook status pic
_______I'm not fat, I'm just big boned. Who am I kidding, I'm just glad my small brittle bones haven't broke under the weight of all this fat.
 _______You should be happy when there's a fat person on your flight. In cases of emergency we can be used as flotation devices.
 _______I like my kisses down low....
 _______I like to pretend my hand is yours when I'm touching myself.
 _______I'm going to eat her cat, if you know what I mean.
 _______I don't take crap from anybody because well if you handed me crap that's pretty gross....weirdo
 _______My father ran out on us when I was just a little girl. I suppose that's what happens when your mum marries a battery.
_______I reckon I can tolerate most anything ... but that caps lock thing has got to go.
_______BREAKING NEWS: I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.
_______Ladies; you need to practice giving head frequently if you really wanna suckseed.
_______I have never seen so many people proud to have haters in all my life..
_______I hate it when people use the phrase "Back in my day."... It's just so "old school."
_______My mom don't understand me! My dad don't understand me! Even my sister don't........... oh wait! Wrong house! I don't have a sister.
_______Stealing statuses is the sincerest form of internet flattery. With that being said, I'm damn tired of flattering all of you people and nobody flattering me back!
_______Whatever gas tank quit your whining. I've been empty inside for years.
_______Kinda hard for me to tell anymore, if I'm on 'The Food Network Channel' or Facebook! :(
_______I want to find a girl who loves me for my money..... but doesn't understand math...
_______I'd imagine doing yoga is like changing your clothes in the backseat of a compact car.
_______I'm about to make the biggest announcement of my life..........Nah. Changed my mind.

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