24 Legendarily Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Epic Facebook statuses

______I'm not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.
_______I always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his banking and stuff.
_______I'm going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.
_______As I stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove cardboard and film' meant something else....
________Too many human piƱatas, and me without a bat...
________It's a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.
________I tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for Dummies."
________You know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.
________ENOUGH WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!
________Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''
________They say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands the concept.
________You know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.
________Two things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the floor.
________where I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.
________They say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....
________If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
________I think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools, because there are so bloody many of them.
________If you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return him.
________You know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your house.
________This one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.
________Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram
________To be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.
________Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...
________remember the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.
______If you carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.

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