70 funny Quotes

_______Whenever I see a lame status with no likes I want to give it a pity like but I cant...because it is usually one of mine (funny Facebook status)
_______I'm one of those people that can't hide their feelings,so when I'm upset about something people close to me usually know.Today was one of those days... When my friend asked me "Are you ok?'',while tilting her head slightly.I looked her in the eye and said ''Mind your own f**king business !!!!!"......... noisy b!tch ! (funniest quote status ever)
_______Whenever I feel like being in a horrible mood.. I crank up Brittany Spears on my way to work. By the time I get there, I'm ready to shove my foot up someone's a**. Works. Every Time. :) (funny bad mood quote)
_______I'm not very good at doing' push-ups.. I'm much better with push-downs. (famous funny quote)
_______My wife is like the sun.......................She makes my eyes hurt when i look at her (funny wife quote)
_______Isn't it annoying when you're having lunch with your in-laws and they don't exist because no one loves you enough to marry you (funniest love quote ever)
_______Got two pieces of bad news today.   First, my 22 year old next door neighbor is pregnant and secondly, my passport is out of date. (funny bad news quote)
_______Its funny how a picture can spark a memory. When I see yours I am reminded that I need to see a doctor to remove this boil from my a** (funny memories quote)
_______My wife wants to travel to third world countries and teach them how to get water out of a 'hole' in the ground.........I'm sure she means well. (funny third world countries quote)
_______73% of women buy clothes but never wear them. I'd like to meet those women (funny women quote)
_______There are times I flip a table over at a restaurant just to prove that I can......I tip well..... (funny tip quote)
_______Women aren't always right, but they are certainly never wrong. (funny women quote)
_______Friends tend to bend when you in need of their help... Split personalities... I'll be friends with myself.. (funny Friend quote)
Famous Funny Quotes Funny Bad News Quotes Funny Beer Quotes Funny Heart Quotes Funny Life Quotes Funny Love Quote Funny Tip Quotes Funny Work Quotes Short Jokes
_______At work I always get in trouble for two things  1...The things I've done 2....The things I'm not doing. (funny work quote)
_______Wow.. I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look. (funny stupid quote)
_______The quickest way to a woman's heart is through your own pocket. (funny heart quote)
_______Sometimes I wish all ten of my fingers were middle ones. (funny wish )
_______Don't worry if that beautiful girl you've had your eye on doesn't know that you exist......You're less likely to become a suspect if she ''disappears ''. (funny beautiful girl quote)
_______This prostitute's business is growing so fast now she's in retail and whoresale (funny business quote)
_______Okay, since you won't go away, at least "like" my posts.
_______the part where i start giving a f**k to your issues.. Well, i haven't reached that part of the conversation as yet.. :-p (funny issues quotes)
_______I reached my limit in appropriate life choices for the day when I got out of bed.. this afternoon. (funniest life quotes ever)
_______Just want to remind all the blond ladies about tomorrow. TGIF. When you are putting on your shoes Toes Go In First (funny blond quotes)
_______I was told by my Doctor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day....so does having panic attacks count (funny Doctor quotes)
_______She is not ugly........she is a beautiful piece of sh!t  ! 
_______My friend wants me to go clubbing but I don't want to get baby seal blood on my new shoes (funny clubbing quote)
_______When someone writes that they lost a loved one, with a very nice tribute to that person. I never know if I should click "like" or not. sooooo....I comment with, "is this good or bad?" please circle one. (funny loved one quote)
_______you know how babies suck their thumbs for comfort? When I'm out of beer I just carry the empty bottle everywhere. (funny beer quote)
_______Just saw my ex at a bar. Asked her if she wanted to come over and hook up just like old times. She said, "Over my dead body". I said, "Yep...just like old times". Not sure what she was drinking but it sure was sticky. (funny ex joke)
_______Zuckerberg got you to devote your life to facebook. Let's see what happens when Zuckerberg tells you to like my status.
_______I'm not really afraid of drowning. I'm just afraid of not having enough air to breathe. In the water. That's totally different. (funny drowning quote)
_______cast iron pans are the way to go. They cook the best, are the easiest to clean and also make a great weapon. (funny weapon quote)
_______Seriously, trust me.. i was kidding when i said.. i will NOT kill u... (kidding quotes)
_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do. (funny Facebook depression quote)
_______My psychiatrist was really pissed at me when I was complaining to him today about how I had problems hearing people but couldn't see them...he was astonished and said when does this happen.....I said over the phone (funny psychiatrist quote)
________I just found a fruit roll up in my pocket which means I left my blunt wrap at work on my desk. (funny work quotes)
________The wife's watching lifetime, the kids asleep and the dogs licking his nuts....all is right with the world (funny world quote)
________I entered a competition and won 2 buns and 6 soft rolls....then again, I always have been the Bread winner..
________I was just labeled as a case of mistaken obscenity (funny labels)
________If I were a poet and you were a llama you couldn't read this and know that it was stupid and doesn't rhyme..
________My coworker keeps playing all his annoying ringtones on his phone. I hope he likes the tone my ring makes when I punch him in the face (funny coworker quote)
________In honor of celebrating 420, I'm going to drink 420 ounces of beer. (funny 420 quotes)
________He said that she said that stuff that was said, so I said that she said the stuff that he said was enough said. There, I have said enough. (funny tongue twist quote)
________I like to sit in front of random people, preferably men, take out my big long banana, peel it, slowly, and then eat it, nice and slow, see that's the way to do it, nice and slow.
_______I'm going to ride this horse off this cliff until it turns into a pegasus... if it's the last thing I do!
_______Your mom is like my new carpet.... Just got laid by 3 guys  (yo mama joke)
_______I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying (funny sleep quote)
_______Being married is like the smell of a hot pizza pie when you are dieting... (funny marriage quote)
_______Does this knife I'm holding to my Jugular make me look married? (funny marriage quote)
_______I got a warning for using 911 improperly because at Micky D's I ordered a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those I got a little pissed. (funny 911 joke)
_______I am single now, however, I was living with a girl for about four months recently, until she found out I was there. (funny being single quote)
_______All I need is 24 hours of alone time per day & I am good to go! (funny time quote)
_______Everyone using ASAP... needs to calm the f*ck down!
_______No no, I'm sorry for thinking that ur mom acts like a whore............maybe its just a case where all the whores act like your mom!! (funny whore quote)
________I really don't know much about you, but I think we're in for a bad spell of weather.
________If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don't miss twice
________So I found a tumor on my ex's lung. If I would of let her live that would of been some bad news.
________This old lady dropped her bag outside the mall... My girl looked at me and said, "Come on, don't just stand there."...So I started doing star jumps. (short joke)
_______If my dog wakes me up by licking me one more time... I swear to God, I'm gonna buy another one!
_______Boys will be boys, and men will be... Well I don't really know much about mythological creatures. (funny men quote)
_______Do I miss being married? Sure, what could be better than being in a relationship with a female, bipolar version of Darth Vader (funny bipolar quote)
_______Teaching your kids to swim isn't hard .. You just throw them in the deep end either they learn to swim or you get your social life back
_______I just watched a Glade air freshener disintegrate right before my very eyes here in the bathroom....I think I just discovered my super power. (funny super power quote)
_______Tried to record the Justin Bieber special tonight. My TiVo suggested I might also want to punch myself in the throat. (funny quote about Justin Bieber)
_______In ten years, there will be kids walking around thinking Dre is only famous for headphones (funny Dre quote)
_______I'm currently dating a wealthy midget. She is Short on money. (funny midget quote)
_______So I went to the gym today.............and by gym I meant mcdondalds................and by today I mean everyday! (funny gym quote)

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_______So I think tap water should be 20% alcohol because the world would be a happier place.......my world anyway (funny world quote)
_______Its funny how you dont see the awesomeness of your awesomeness until your drinking, an then your less than awesomeness seems awesome (funny awesomeness quotes)
_______This bag of air is just over powering the flavor of these chips. (funny Lays Chips quote)
_______Just met an Eskimo on the street.....he was an ice guy... (Eskimo quote)
_______Well it is about time for me to get off. If you need me I will be in the restroom looking at your slutty pictures (funny sarcastic quote)
_______If you've ever met me, you probably weren't impressed (funny impressive quote)
_______I don't like to brag but I have been called an a**hole on more than a few occasions. (funny bragging quote)
_______I hate to sound like a douche....so I dont do impressions of you (sarcastic quote)
_______MTV has a new reality show where they give hookers a make over. It is called Ho' Improvement. (funny MTV quote)
_______When I'm brushing my teeth alongside someone else, I do it four times longer than usual..
_______this guy just received a message in a bottle... I smashed it over his head and the message was stop looking at my girl (funny messages)
_______If I ever post something that I have already posted before, it's because I have a disorder called "Notgivingafu*k."
_______My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping. (funny girlfriend status)
_______I have a lot to offer a woman...pretty much it consists of issues and regrets, but I have a lot of them to offer (funny issue quote)
_______I am gonna go to the auto parts store and yell at the clerk until he starts throwing things. Maybe then I will catch a brake (funniest status updates)
_______I told my wife I'd like to try new things in bed. .......So she taught me how to change the sheets. (funny wife bed quotes)
_______I'm beginning to wonder if time really is a healer....It's been 3 days since my husband fell down the stairs and he still hasn't moved yet (funny time quote)
_______Your Mom is a force of nature. Okay she's like the wind...she blows for free all day (yo mama joke)
_______Is it just me or does today feel like one of those days to skip the glass and ice and drink straight from the bottle to anyone else too (funny drinking quote)
_______i may not be the greatest at doing everything...............but i m pretty sure i am the best at doing nothing!!!! (funny doing nothing quote)
_______Technically it's not the 'silent' treatment because she still sighs loudly every five minutes to let me know she's pissed (funny silent treatment quote)
_______Facebook isn't about sharing your life experiences... It's about sharing your over exaggerated life experiences! :) (funny Facebook quotes)
_______90% the time people think I'm being sarcastic.. I'm actually being quite mean and sincere! (funny sincere quote)
_______‎There's something about everyday that makes me not want to work (funny work quote)
Funny World Quote Impressive Quote Funny MTV Quote Funny Time Quote Funny Hope Quote Angry Birds Quote Funny Bathroom Quote Funny Baby Quotes Funny Quotes Funny Hard Work Quotes Funny Gay Quotes Funny Meme
_______I wish it was as easy to give up smoking as it is to give up hope. (funny hope quotes)
_______Dear Boss, First of all let me tell you that I'm not using any of my finger to type this..so you can guess what i mean.... (funniest boss quote ever)
_______The drunker I get, the better I am at expressing myself to strangers who don't give a damn (funny drunker quote)
_______I lost 30 pounds in two weeks by lying!
_______I guess cops don't find it funny when you throw Angry Bird teddy bears at them. (funny angry birds quote)
_______Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while. (funny bathroom quote)
_______If it wasn't for you all, I would probably be somewhere laying on a sidewalk drawing maps on my stomach just to pass the time away. (funny time passing quote)
_______Everybody was Kung Fu fighting because there was only one egg roll left at the China Buffet. (funny Kungfu Buffet quote)
_______I hate to break this to you guys but, I slept with your mom.... twice! Trust me buddies,I love YOU and I feel terrible about it. :( ~ me, to my two sons. (funny son status)
_______The producers from Hoarders called me... but I didn't know which phone was ringing? (funny Hoarders quote)
_______Just wanted to say thank you if you liked any of my post today.... And f**k you if you didn't ;)
_______I went to a biker bar, got my a** kicked... so I put my teeth in the basket, hopped on my sisters bicycle and rang the bell the whole way home. (funny biker bar quotes)
_______I like how you know everything except how to use a belt to hold your pants up, douchebag
_______Ladies ... don't mock your partner if they are having trouble getting a full erection ... it's harder than it looks. (funny mock quotes)
_______You know that sudden feeling you get that you're being watched? Well, don't worry. It's only me and my binoculars. (funny binocular quote)
_______Sometimes life gives you lemons but once in awhile it pours you a nice tall glass of ice cold lemonade :) (funny life quote)
_______Its not nice to tell someone they look tired. So I tell them they look like a festering pile of sh!t (funny sarcastic quote)
_______My co-worker just accused me of stealing his thesaurus, which is absolute absurdity, balderdash, balls, bilge, blather, bosh, bull, bullsh!t, bunk, bunkum, claptrap, cobblers, crap, drivel, eyewash, fatuity, foolishness, garbage, guff, hogwash, hokum, horsefeathers, idiocy, inanity, nonsense, rot and rubbish! (funny sarcastic synonyms)
_______I caught my 11 year old nephew with a bag of weed and he says he got it from a friend. I cant believe it...11 years old and getting weed from a friend. Doesn't he know I would have given him a family discount? (funny weed joke)
_______Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. There are plenty of other reasons (funny hate quote)
_______I really don't like possessive pronouns much, I mean they are such control freaks. (funny pronoun quote)
_______I don't get it, everyone told me I had to work really hard to get ahead in this world, but this axe seemed to make it pretty easy (funny hard work quotes)
_______People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis (funny stupid quote)
_______I must give my beers a great workout... cause every time I take them out of the fridge, they start sweating. (funny beer quote)
_______She looks so peaceful thru my camera lens from the tree across the street while she sleeps (funny stalker)
_______Online Dating is when you stalk somebody's facebook pictures while you eat dinner, right (funny dating quote)
_______I thought I would explore my feminine side this morning.............so while I was driving to work....I ran right into a tree!! (funny feminine quote)
_______I'd like to start out by NOT apologizing for my behavior last night (funny apologizing quote)
_______In Life, sometimes you just gotta put your face in your jar of weed.. Inhale and let that smell of dankness reassure you that everything will be okay! (funny life weed quote)
_______I could probably learn to like people if there weren't so many and if they weren't so stupid. (funny quote about stupid people)
_______When I vowed "till death do us part", I really didn't know it meant a death sentence.
_______Sometimes the best things in life AREN'T free, like divorce. (funny Divorce quote)
_______Remember when your mother told you that your face would freeze like that if you made faces. Last time I drank, I woke up next to a girl that didn't listen to her mother.
_______I'm tired of getting paid salary at work.. I mean really.. how much salary can one person eat. (funny salary quote)
_______I hate it when my wife lies in bed.................."I've had better" is a good example. (funny wife quote)
_______I was such a loser in high school even the losers voted me most likely to be a loser. (funny loser quote)
_______I hate when I tip the waitress too much and she loses her balance and drops my food on the floor (funny waitress quotes)
_______The first person that you think of in the morning is either the person that causes you happiness or causes you pain....if ur a gay guy its probably the same person! (funny Gay quotes)

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_______I don't have many enemies, except autocorrect...That b!tch seems to hate me. (funny autocorrect quote)
_______You know you are getting old when you fall asleep in the closet waiting to scare someone. (funny old age quote)
_______I think I need to start doing some Push-ups...when I say Push-Ups, I mean the orange ice cream kind. (funny push up quote)
_______I believe world peace could possibly be achieved if they would put the damn toys back in cereal. (funny peace quotes)
_______I honestly didn't think it was that bad, but when I left the bathroom, both the dogs were growling at me. (funny Facebook status update , funny tweet)
_______Whenever I'm going anywhere, I always purposely try to get there late..................u knw.......... just to make that grand appearance! (funny pride quotes)
_______I recently switched to an all-in-one shampoo/conditioner, because I needed some room on my shower caddy for my beer. (funny beer quotes)
_______Just seen the hot chick from my building at the supermarket and she said, "We have to stop meeting like this!" Apparently, she doesn't know the meaning of stalking... (funny stalking quote)
_______Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and now we just started a game of counting fools. (funny fool quote)
_______Hey....chill...there's no need to fight over me, I'm a very generous girl.... (funny generous quote)
_______My friend says I always believe everything I'm told.   She's probably right. (famous funny quote)
_______Honestly, I TRULY don't know what post you will make next, I'm just stalking. (funny stalking status)
_______Isn't losing at LOTTO bad enough with out the scanning machine tell you " NOT A WINNER " (funny lotto quote)
_______You're so skinny you've got a gluteus minimus. (funny skinny quotes)
_______I'm calculating pi. No, wait, that's not right. I'm Contemplating Pie. Yea, that's it! (funny pie quote)
_______As soon as I heard the words “Now help Jack off the horse” was it then did I realize being a rodeo clown wasn’t the career choice for me! (funny clown quote)
_______My book on female gymnastics is gonna be called "Land on my face."  I know... I know. (funny gymnastic quote)
_______Whoever said cats have 9 lives owes my neighbor a new cat. (funny cats quotes)
_______I got a basket on the handle bars, a card in the spoke and a banana seat on my bike........yeah, that's the way I roll. (funny hilarious quote)
_______Wife and I just got into a heated argument... I say cook the pizza at 425°F for 19 minutes, and she says to cook it at 33 minutes at 350°F. (funny wife quotes)
________I put Tabasco sauce on EVERYTHING I eat and my neighbors wife just found out the hard way (funny sauce quote)
________For some people "stretch" on the label on jeans is a personal challenge. (funny fat quote)
________Act your physical age if your mental age is too low.... (famous funniest quote ever)
________Facebook users: Save your friends the effort of looking out the window, by posting the weather forecast. (hilarious Facebook status update)
________During a heated argument, my boyfriend told me to "relax," which just infuriated me even more and now he's dead. (funny boyfriend quotes)
________If you are asking for my birth date, it means either you want to know my age OR you want to know when I left giving a damn. (funny birth date quote)
________I'm not saying you should be a whore, but it wouldn't hurt for you to swallow every once and a while. (funny sarcastic quote)
________'Just in case.. And we probably still won't help' – insurance (funny insurance quotes)
________Apparently my floating device was inappropriate for a public pool....The thrill that cop got from popping my blow-up doll was saddening (funny cop status update)
________On the taxi ride to work this morning, i thought of one thing, how am i going to finish this last beer and still show up sober (funny beer sober quote)
________A fast way to earn your place in the single life is when the wife and the girlfriend work at the same job and they both have a picture of you on their desk (funny wife girlfriend life quote)
________Just want to let you know I 'liked' YOUR post alot more before you posted it. (funny stalking status update)
________No I was serious, I really don't want to join YOUR request for MyCalender Birthdays. (funny Facebook MyCalender Birthday status)
________Words cannot express how proud I am of the US women's volleyball team, for allowing the 'Tramp Stamp' to represent us! (funny Volley Ball Tramp Stamp quote)
________If I were a fisherman and "likes" were fish, I would have to sink my boat for the insurance money (funny fisherman quote)
________Went to the mirror to imagine what I would look like fat. Problem solved. I will now be back in a little while to see what I look like drunk. (funny mirror drunk quote status)
________level of maturity vary depending upon the company around them (famous funny quote status)
Funny Auto-correct Quotes Funny Old Age Quotes Funny Peace Quotes Funny Fool Quotes Funny Pie Quotes Funny Gymnastic Quotes  Funny Olympics Quote STFU Quotes Funny Quotes
________Mark Zuckerberg finally switched my Facebook to timeline...... Well played douchebag..... Well played. (funniest Mark Zukerberg Timeline quotes)
_______Hey I just sideswiped you, and this is crazy, but I'm gonna floor it, and hope the cops dont chase me (funny dumped quotes ever)
_______I hate when i spend too much money, check my account then have a heart attack (funny heart attack quote)
_______Well I used to believe in ghosts, but they're all so unambitious nowadays. (funny ghost quotes)
_______My Chinese neighbor brought over some delicious cookies yesterday... and today I found a tiny piece of paper in the toilet that read... WHO IS A**HOLE NOW!? (funniest cookies status ever)
_______Don't forget to hold your breath between posting this status update and waiting for the first 'Like' (Funniest Facebook status update)
_______I'll bet for overweight people McDonalds is there golden arch enemy. (funny McDonald quote)
_______I finally figured out what it took for me to feel rested and take on the day at work....coming in 2 hours late apparently.
_______I'm thankful for a lot if things but I'm mostly thankful for the following acronym; STFU (funny acronym stfu quote status)
_______I just had a near-death experience. I thought the coffee pot broke. (funny near death experience)
_______Could you just tell me your cup size?   It's hard to judge, with the cleavage smashed into the camera for you profile pic
_______I'm on a roll. Ok i'm on a fat kid who tripped while running downhill, but same difference. (funny roll quote)
_______I made a joke about smoking weed with a bong once. It was a hit but then I forgot it. (funny bong quote)
_______Tried stealing a shopping cart from a homeless guy... I would have gotten away with too, if it wasn't for that bum wheel. (funny shopping cart quote)
_______I used to be ambitious about achieving goals, until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people. (funny ambitious goal quote)
_______My wife calls me Usain Bolt...I last around 9.63 seconds and always come first (funny Usain Bolt quotes)
_______Your mom gives great head..I mean advice. (Yo mama joke)
_______Sometimes I do the *thumb neck slicing motion to strangers just so they know not to mess with me (not to mess with me quote)
_______I used to believe in faith, hope and charity...Turns out they were all in a club climbing a pole. (funniest faith charity hope quote)
_______Just sneezed on a smart car... and this guy gave me five bucks for washing and drying it in under 2.5 seconds. (funny smart car quotes)
_______The wife and I went camping and ended up having a huge argument in the tent. I had the last laugh when she stormed out and slammed the flap. (funny wife quote)
_______Went for a checkup today. He said I had an impressive cavity and that he would love to fill it for me. That'll be the last time I go to THAT Proctologist (funny Proctologist quote)
_______Just put on my "Forever Lazy" onesie... and now I can't even finish this po (funny lazy post )
_______If Sneaking across the Border was an Olympic Sport, Mexico would get the Gold (funny Mexico Olympic quotes)
_______I just created a page that makes fun of pirates. I guess you could call it a parroty page. (funny pirate quote)
_______From their web address, I just don't understand is it super bowl or superb owl?? (funny super bowl quote status)
_______Tip of the day : Don't play soccer with thy neighbor's kid. Use a football instead. (funniest soccer quote)
_______I don't see the big deal...I just sold my KIA Soul to the devil...he gave me a great price. (funny KIA soul quote)
_______So am I the only one who played the Google game today? Lol Apparently Hurdle jumps is not my Olympic sport. (funny hurdle jump Google Doodle quote)
_______When it comes to putting my head on the chopping block , I'm a bit of a chicken
_______At the Olympics, its funny how white people get medals for shooting nd black people get medals for running (funniest Olympic quotes ever)
_______went for a job interview today and the boss asked me: Why did you leave your last job?? I said: The company relocated and didn't tell me where. (funniest Job Interview quotes status)
_______Hey people on Twitter, when you start to refer to your followers as "family" all I can envision is the Manson "family" (funny Manson family twitter quote)

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_______I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!tch." Close enough. (funniest sarcastic quote)
_______Having two profiles make you feel almost like a spy living a double life.. (funny life quote)
_______Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like. (the punchlines)
_______If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny cop quote)
_______I remember when Dying Alone seemed like such a terrible fate, now I'm just looking forward to a little "me" time and some extra rest. (funny quote)
_______Life is so unexpected. One second you see a hot chick saying no, the next second you find her in my basement. (funny life quote status)
_______If you have a face, there's a pretty good probability that I hate you. (hate quote)
_______Ladies. Gentlemen. Please learn to use the words "Turn-on/Turn-off" in the right context! (funny announcement quote)
_______Today I decided to go to the beach, but I'm taking my laptop along so I can do some surfing (funny beach quote)
_______I have always wanted to do something "like a boss" so I fired someone...out of a cannon  (like a boss quote)
_______Commenting under a post that, "No comment", IS A COMMENT! (funny comments)
_______People who live in glass houses clearly don't know what lumber is used for (funny phrases)
_______you don't have to lose weight or go on tv. You are already the biggest loser. (funny loser quote)
_______I have been debating whether or not to kill myself, I suppose there's no rush through I can jump off that bridge when I come to it  
_______Drinking coffee today didn't seem to be quite effective enough today, so I turned the grounds into a nice spread and made a sandwich with it too. (funny coffee quote)
_______In case you're wondering how athletic I am ladies the only part of my body that I can move after playing basketball last night is my bowels (funny athlete quotes)
_______I love it when you use fancy words like.. "f**k" and "you." (funny fancy words)
_______This post is special. Only people who are online right now can ignore this (funny post)
_______I just ordered a pizza to be delivered................."Screw you and get it yourself!" said the wife. (funny pizza quotes)
_______The fact that all your pictures are taken in front of a mirror and your phone is visible in all of them tells me a few things about you. A. You have lousy aim and/or motor skills. B. and/or you are extremely proud of your phone. C. Your flash is on. D. You have no friends.   (funny mirror photo quote status)
Funny Quotes Funny Life Quotes Like a Boss Quotes Funny Loser Quotes Funny Coffee Quotes Funny Pizza Quotes_______The same key that my ex held to my heart, looks a lot like the same key that someone just ran down the side of my new car. (funny ex quote)
_______Me and my girl are dating since so long now, that we finish each other's sentences....mostly with the phrases like "shut the fugg up."
_______I'll never forget the time I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria, their towels were so thick and fluffy. I could hardly shut my suitcase. (funny travel quote)
_______I ordered something from Amazon today. My small Brazilian child should arrive next week. (funny Amazon quote)
_______You know who is really stupid!!!?......People that don't share all of my beliefs (funny belief quote)
_______This status is just to prove that I can still fake out my boss like I'm working!  (funny status)
_______Based on the amount of hours I have worked this week, I think next Monday and Tuesday should be another Saturday and Sunday (funny weekend quote)
_______I need to find a 'never before heard' excuse to not go to work tomorrow. (funny excuse quote)
_______Don't trust people, don't ask why. Just trust me on this! (funny trust quote)
_______Why do people keep asking dogs "who's a good boy?" A little doggie told me he thinks the question is patronizing.. (funny question status)
_______What’s the difference between a funny tweet and a facebook status update:  5 minutes (funny tweet)
_______This guy is wearing a shirt reading "I'm still a virgin", it would be funny if it weren't true (funny virgin quote)
_______The quickest way to find something you lost is to buy a new one (one line joke)
_______I don't like airplanes.....it's not because I have a fear of flying......its because I have a big f**king fear of crashing (funny flying quote)
_______Some woman asked me today if I practice being an a**hole. She obviously doesn't know me well enough to know it just comes naturally. (funny sarcastic status)
_______I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important....like being awesome. (funny awesome quote)
_______You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves. (funny stress quote)
_______I can't find any help for our addiction to Facebook in the FB help forums... (funny Facebook status)
_______How to write in sarcasm. Lesson one:   "Good morning" I hope you have yourself a "good" day (funny good morning quote)
_______Im just a defenseless harmless poor little soul doesn't sound convincing when you are standing in an alley with a Colt 44 waiting to rob people. But Im working on it. (funny mugged quote)
_______‎Zombies eat brains, that's why girls are not worried (funny zombie quotes)
_______I don't have the energy to be angry about my apathy. (funny apathy quote)
_______People who say ”if you ask me” are usually never asked in the first place. so thanks, but I didn't ask you
_______She called me a jerk once! It really upset me:(  It takes more than one Jerk to get me going! (funny jerk quote)
_______I read a book called Great Expectations- it wasn't as good as I though it would be (funny expectation quote)
_______I have never done drugs in my life but I think they kinda taste like cocaine. (funny drug quote)
_______I just filed a Missing Report for myself......because I'm bored and want to play Hide and Seek with the police.. (funny hide and seek quote)
_______The best part of this status is that I'm sitting at home right now making you read a status I didn't care about enough to finis (funny Facebook status)
_______The enemy of my enemy is still my f**king enemy......cuz I don't really keep friends (funny enemy quote)
_______I am a Pharmaceutical Representative is soooo much better than, I'm a Drug Addict (hilarious drug quote)
_______A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! Grandpa, just eat your chicken with both hands... and leave the waitress alone! (funny phrase quote)
_______If you walk into my house wearing skinny jeans, expect an intervention, beating, and restraining order... In that order...
_______A hot, beautiful business woman just blessed me after I sneeze.......so I asked her for her marital status and life goals.....Too forward (funny smart quote)
_______I tried to put those musical notes on a status but I dont know how to play the keyboard (funny keyboard quote)
_______My middle finger out the driver side window is an instant message, while my car horn is the message notification to other drivers who don't use any signals at all. (funny driver quote)
_______i believe in overall uniformity... That's why i am trying to match my dark heart, humor and attitude to be on the same levels (humor quote)
_______I leave one light on at night so the moths have something to do. (funny moth quote)
_______I hate it when a car pulls up next to me with a huge stereo system when all you hear is the base, on the plus side, they cant hear me shooting their car with a bb gun (funny cop quote)
_______Don’t bother putting on a bunch of makeup whore. Your face is gonna be buried in the pillow before long anyway (funny makeup quote)
_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy. You made the duck face. You look like Daisy (Rae Jepson song funny quote)
_______Friend of mine told me he was really into Wilson Phillips... I sure hope he likes the volleyball and screwdriver I got him for Christmas. (funny quote about Wilson Phillips)
_______I was spinning in a chair for the last 15 min... I got so damn dizzy, I just went ahead and puked on the lady who was giving me a hair cut. (funny stupid quote)
_______If I were in it, they would have named it "The Darkest Knight Rises" (funny dark night rises quotes)
_______I don't know why people say most people are ticklish. The people here at Target certainly aren't...they look more angry. (funny angry quote)
_______Being a trampolinist is a career of ups and downs.
_______I really hope my spirit animal is the drunken monkey......because well, beer and kung-fu (funny Kung-fu quote)
_______Considering their lassoing skills, I'll bet cowboys would make awesome child kidnappers. (funny cowboys quote)
_______People should have the right to marry whomever annoys them the least. (funny marriage status)

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______Tried out a new pick up line last night and well needless to say ...my couch pulls out but I dont... Is not successful (pick up lines)
______My life before Facebook was boring... but now after Facebook it's just pathetic (funny quotes about Facebook)
______If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine. (funny quote about Olympics)
______Tried painting by numbers... but somebody beat me to it, and painted my whole phone book yellow!
______If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong. (funny Wednesday quotes)
______I bet if they let someone with a split personality enter into the Synchronized Diving event in the Summer Olympics, they'd be damned unstoppable! (funny Olympics quote)
_______Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny. (funny wife quote)
_______My 3 year old was in the tub and he discovered his balls. He asked, "Dad are these my brains?" I caught a little tear and proclaimed with great pride, "Not yet my son...Not yet!" (memorable funny quote)
_______The only time I use the metric system is when a woman asks me how BIG I am (Metric system quotes)
_______I think to make the Olympic medal ceremony better the athletes should dress up like Q-Bert and hop up the steps.... (funny Olympics status)
_______I was pleasantly surprised by the nice morning rainfall. I thought it was gonna be another dry hump day. (funny hump day quote)
_______I'm pretty sure my nosy co-worker wants to be an Olympian. He just won a gold meddle in "not minding his own business." (Famous funny quote)
_______The banana I'm about to eat has the slightest curve at the tip.  Mama needs a bathroom break before I peel open this beauty. (funny banana quote)
_______I have a sneaking suspicion that agoraphobics love inside jokes. (short joke)
_______I think of myself as well conditioned athlete as a matter of fact last night I won the pole vaulting competition in my bed. (funny Athlete quote)
_______Don’t mess with me. I know how to sit still for a tattoo. (funny tattoo quote)
_______I fell in love with her before she had even uttered 140 characters. I was twitterpated (funny tweets)
_______I just watched Greece, Spain and Portugal take gold, silver and bronze in Synchronized Bankruptcy (funny Olympian quote)
_______I can't stand people who waste my time...because time is money, got my money on my mind all the time and the mind is a terrible thing to waste! Something like that! (funny time quote  status)
_______I'm in the dressing room at Walmart and no one wants a hug. (Walmart quotes)
_______A lady got all mad at me because I held the both doors open for her (funny situations)
_______Bored ?....Make your life more interesting by simply using a powerful genie to grant your wildest wishes and dreams....  (bored quotes)
_______Let's play hide and seek. You hide and I'll count to one hundred trillion, six hundred forty five million and nine. (stupid funny quote)
_______Watching the Female gymnasts this evening made me realise that I can achieve my dream...of eating a family size bag of M&M's all by myself ! (funny female gymnastic quote)
_______I'm not sure what you guys think, but this new dandruff flakes cereal doesn't taste very good to me (funny dandruff quote)
_______Women who make sammiches for their man get laid more then those who don't. Guys.....stay with me on this one! (getting laid quote)
_______I was at the bar last night, and this woman told me I just dont want to be alone tonight so I took her home.......and let her pick out one of the puppies my dog just had. (bar quote)
_______Don't know what to believe any more. You think you know someone and then you find out the Mr. Bean could actually talk all those years (funny Mr. Bean quotes)
_______There's no reason any self-respecting man should stay on the dance floor when "Drop It Low" comes on (funny self respecting quote)
_______My favorite part of the evening is where I punch you to end it. (funny evening quote)
_______No matter how good you are, there's always someone better on youtube. (funny youtube quote)
_______How was I supposed to know it was a midget that hung itself?!? Looked like a keychain to me...... (Midget status)
_______Rise and Shiner! The first person that mess with me today is getting a black eye. (funny black eye quote)
_______I had a nightmare last night, I was living in Alabama. It was the most terrifying dream I've ever had. (funny nightmare)
_______I don't know if this is just me but I've never actually found any briefcases that contains actual briefs! (funny brief quotes)
_______Whenever I'm faced with what is possibly a life-altering choice to make, I choose extra-strength ribbed with the reservoir tip. (funny life quote)
funny toast quote_______R.I.P. to all those people that called the Suicide Hotline with their T-Mobile phones (funny T Mobile quotes)
_______Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question. (funny cop status)
_______When I say I grew up during the depression, I'm referring to my mother's. (funny depression quote) 
_______Someone just told me my shoe was untied, then walked away before I had a chance to tie it... which tells me they didn't really care! (famous funny quote)
_______I'll bet if they remade "Charles in Charge" with Charles Barkley, it would be terrible....just terrible (funny inspirational quote status)
_______Certain stores now give a discount for paying with cash. Just like your mom (you mama jokes)
_______Just tried my first power shake. Pretty sure I threw out my back. (funny power quote)
_______Didn't do anything today. Getting stoned was the highpoint of my day. (getting high quote status)
_______Today I killed two birds with one 12 gauge shotgun, because you would have to be a real idiot to try to use a stone in this day and age. ;-) (funny inspirational phrase quote status)
_______you know....I'm not sure if there's anything more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye....looking up at you while giving you head. (giving you head quote)
_______Breaking News. 3 Chik-fil-A Cows come out of the closet. CEO is selling them to McDonald's (funny Chick fil A breaking news)
_______I really like that song Lips of an Angel but I like your moms version better (funny song quote)
_______I try to make wishes come true. By pulling out one eyelash at a time. (funny wishes)
_______A human being has 7 trillion nerves.... she manages to get on every one of them. (sarcastic quote)
_______It wasn't until she blindly grabbed and washed her face with one of my socks... did she then decide it was time for "His & Her" hand towels. (witty status ideas)
_______That mini heart attack when you come to know that your girlfriend is dead :P (hilarious status ideas)
_______I hit a hornets nest last night.OK.It was a whore in net stockings,but I did hit her nest
_______I was fighting with this guy over who's lazier. I let him win. (lazy status quote)
_______The worst part of doing laundry is finding a spot on my bed to sleep when I don't put it away for 3 days.
_______As a married man of course I look at other women. Just because I drive a Dodge doesnt mean I can't dream that it's a Porsche (funny marriage quotes)
_______:-) :-( :-D :-| ;) ;^) :'-) :/ (-_-) - HEYY!!! Stop playing with my emoticons!! (funny emoticon quote)
_______Those gymnasts gals are awfully bendy. It's a real shame they don't make them in adult sizes. (funny gymnast quote status)
_______Some guy called me retarded today..............So I strapped on my helmet and called him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (funny Facebook status idea)
_______I think the neighbors need a wake up call, this roman candle in their doggie door should do the trick
_______Since my bathroom light bulb blew out and I am drunk, pissing is like being in the Special Olympics. (funny Olympics tweet)
_______You know that time I always thought about you? Yeah, I can't stop thinking about what the hell i was thinking either! (funny sarcastic status)
_______Every so often, I like to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I have no idea what it means. (funny grammar quote status)
_______If you just meet a girl and you don't know if she's a b!tch or not, offer her some toast. B!tches love toast. (funny girl quote status)
_______I skipped the downward spiral and took the unexpected faceplant.
_______My friends are always saying that I am easily angered. It makes me so mad! (low temper quote)
_______Just blew my nose with a dryer sheet... just incase you're looking for someone to do your laundry with a box of Kleenex! (funny laundry status)

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