29 Funny Quotes

champion quote puzzle quote

_____An ant just ran under my keyboard. I have it under Ctrl (funny ant quote, short funny joke)
_____I don't like people. I go on Facebook because I don't consider anybody on here people, per se, I just prefer the company of statuses and question marks??? (funny Facebook quote status)
_____I can pretty much guarantee that if you want something done right and you ask me to do it, you will never make that mistake again. (best funny quote)
_____Look, I'm in a hurry so let's talk while we're walking........ You go that way and I'll go this way. (hilarious quote status joke)
_____I know you're drunk because your posture ain't that good when you're sober  (witty drunk quote status joke)
_____I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up (funny foot sleep status)
_____Man what a crazy day, I think I am going to hit the restroom and take a power nap  (funny nap quote and status)
_____I would like everyone to take a moment, just a single moment out of your busy day, to think about how lucky you are to know ME!
Your Welcome!  (awesome funny quote)
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 Well, since you said "no offense, but" at the beginning of your insults about my mom, everything is fine (No offense quote)
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 Not to brag, but I can make it look as if I'm actually listening to someone for up to 10 minutes.
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 Every time I see that you like my post, I can't help but think the dirtiest thoughts about that statement
_____I've discovered that the best way to conquer many jobs around the house is to simply say "f**k it" and fall asleep on the couch instead (funny couch quote and status)
_____I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to hang up on you cause you're talking to much
_____This status is copyrighted and may not be reused, rewritten or disseminated in whole or part without the express written consent of Statusfield.blogspot.com © 2012, Statusfield Enterprises, Inc.
_____I'll try anything once. If it kills me I'll never do it again.
_____The thing I don't get about 'no' is the part where I don't get what I want (witty puzzle quote)
_____I'm not saying she's slut, I'm saying she does not sleep in her own bed often (funny slut quote)
_____I think I just broke my retinas reading your status (funny retina quote)
_____Sometimes i like your posts because you are do-able, not because they are likeable (funny doable quote joke)
_____A friend of mine just lost her husband and asked me, "What will I do without him?"
Apparently masturbate was not the answer she wanted to hear (hilarious joke)
_____Mock me for my lame jokes one more time and I'll knock-knock you to the ground
_____"giving up is not an option. Its the plan!" - organized failure (funny give up quote)
_____I broke wind in a business meeting this morning, I was so embarrassed. It didn't smell at all and only the person sitting next to me heard it (funny fart status joke)
_____Scary movies aren't scary at all. Then you go home, get in bed, and hear that first unidentified noise
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Is it just me or does this status taste funny?
_____If unintentionally making women angry was a competitive sport I would be the undisputed champion (funny champion quote)
_____Sometimes it feels like the world is trying to pull me down. Then I realize I'm not wearing underwear, and it's just gravity
_____My brain is like a well oiled machine.. it may not function properly, but well oiled nonetheless. :) (funny brain quote)
_____Just got back from MySpace...I had fun with the other 6 people who were logged in (funny myspace quote)
_____Ugh. I'm in a relationship with a timeline person.... (funny timeline quote)

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_____If I wanna describe myself using 3 words I would say:
Smart, clever, intelligent, genius  (Awesome funny quote)
_____
 Just because I say 'It's nice to see you again', it doesn't mean that it's nice to see you again (witty quote and status)
_____
 I know the world won't end in 2012, because my credit card doesn't expire until 2015. And we know that the Banks control the world! (funny bank quote, world's end quote)
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 When I meet someone new I like to shake their hand with increasing speed and intensity while whispering "Oh God. Don't stop" because people need to learn not to talk to me. (Hilarious quote and status)
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 I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that dude (funny women quote)
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 Till yesterday I use to hated people with bad grammar and speling mistek...But then today I found out something about myself. (funny grammar quote)
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 ‎"It's a long story" ~ people who don't want to talk about whatever you just asked about. (its a long story quote)
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 I think its wrong when people get punished for things they didint do, u know like
"Homework"   (funny homework quote)
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 I think I'm lactose intolerant... I just had 6 milkshakes and my stomach is killing me. (best funny quote, status and joke)
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 Never put the key to your heart in someone else's pocket... And never put your hand oin someone else's pocket either, unless you have permission. Apparently that is a form of harassment.. (funny quote and status)
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 My computer wont take my password, it keeps sending me a message "caps off". I removed my cap from my head and tried again, still nothing (funny caps lock quote)
_____
 Studying hard to become an erectional officer. (funny erection quote)
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 It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness, except that I can't find a bastard candle because it's too fucking dark. (funny candle quote)
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 Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet. I sit at my window drinking hot chocolate and wonder what those daft fuckers are doing out there. (funny rain quote)
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 I've been calling my girlfriend "babe" for five years because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name. (funny girlfriend quote)
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 Is it wrong to go to sleep and dream of beating someone up, then wake up smiling about it? (funny dream quote)
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 I'm so broke and sad I don't have any cents of humor (funny humor quote)
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 If you can't say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do. (funny people quote)
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 I SAVED EVERYONES LIFE and all those ungrateful bastards want to focus on is that I started the fire (funny fire quote and joke)
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 I can't recall the last time a guy made me smile uncontrollably , maybe it was when my ex was squirming on the ground after i kicked him in the balls.
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 Today is already turning into one of those Mondays where liking your own status is about as much acknowledgement as you're going to get. (funny Monday quote)
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 I don't understand why you guys make fake profiles. I mean look at me! (funny profile quote)
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 It's cute when you wink at me, but next time, could you use one of your eyes? (funny wink quote)
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 Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?" So ungrateful.
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 My husband says I talk while I sleep. But I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it. (funny work sleep quote)
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 I don't care about awards and all that crap, I just hope my obituary mentions something about my Facebook statuses (funny Facebook quote)
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 My answering machine message: "Hi, I'm not at home. Please leave a message after the FUCK YOU... Sorry about that! Beep doesnt work." (funny answering machine quote)
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 Still not exactly sure why facebook wants me to know about the people I might know but hey I'll go along with it. (funny Facebook quote)