_____You are so vain I bet you always know which way the wind is blowing.
_____Someone dared me to post this and I know it wont get many likes but I am gonna do it any way
_____I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. and that was the most natural ingredient in this Burger (funny McDonald quote status)_____I know it's difficult to see things from my point of view, with your head stuck so far up your a**
_____Did you know why the midget didn't get the joke? It was over his head. (funny midget status)
_____Out of all the theories on arguing with woman; it seems that no one works. (funny women quote)
_____Gosh!, You are SO attractive, turn around and let me get a look.... Mmmn mmmmm, give it a little shake, uh hu... THAT'S THE STUFF dreams are made of baby~ Me in front of the mirror every morning..
_____Well, it's 5:00 p.m here, so I guess it's time to get out of bed and head to the couch....I almost missed my nap! (funny nap quote)
_____If you are gonna share a link with me make sure its a hot one
_____Your posts are so good that I like them twice. What?? Well, it's not my fault that after the first like, it changes to 'Unlike'
_____why is it so necessary to take a shower every year?
_____If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny stereo quote status)
_____Don't be mean to me... It's Saturday.
_____the way your profile pic keeps looking at me....i don't know whether to be creeped out or turned on.
_____I have three credit scores and they are all the same: No money, No money, No money. (funny credit quote status)
_____I ask my buddy to give me a hug and he tells me he doesn't do hugs with guys. What the f**k! Look if you think i'm gonna kiss you then DREAM ON
_____Never...ever...ever...wake a sleeping woman!!!!!!! Because then she'll be awake and wanna talk
_____I was told never to throw the first punch, I was also told that I really suck at counting.
_____i feel like changing my display picture to the real me.. but than i dont want to increase my stalkers and/or break your high expectations ;-)
_____I was talking to this beautiful woman earlier today. She said she was surprised I didn't have a girlfriend because I seemed like such a great guy.....then I sneezed in her mouth and the mystery was solved.
_____Studies show that people who like my posts have an above average IQ
_____Sometimes when I see people badly in need of my help, I just wish I was Superman, that way I wouldn't give a flying f**k!
_____I was in London this morning when a Japanese man approached me."Please......Can you take?" he said, handing me a camera.As he sat on the wall smiling, I got into a taxi and thought, "What a nice feller."
_____I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree you can just call me and I'll probably still tell you to f**k off anyways
_____YouTube is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them.. Whatt the f**king Shitt!! In person!
_____What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and shit? (funny Eminem quote status)
_____Am i the only person who wonders what would happen if I microwave something live? Like a cat or mouse.
_____I overheard some women at the store complaining about the fact that she was getting older and how wished she could stay 39 forever so I walked up to her and snapped her neck.
_____my friend texted me saying what would you recommend as a good book to read.... I replied the Dictionary
_____I'm like a physicist in bed. The more aerodynamic a woman curves the greater the resistance. (funny physicist quote)
_____I ALWAYS believe in giving people second chances….because it is MUCH easier to make someone miserable when you are together!!
_____So I was awake whole night trying to figure out what Insomnia is (funny insomnia quote status)
_____My low self-esteem sucks almost as much as I do. (funny self esteem quote)
_____All it takes is 10 minutes without Internet to prove my total uselessness as a person
_____No one is born as a leader, situations make them an a**hole.... I mean leader. (funny leader quote)
_____I just accidentally toasted bread that was toasted already.....am I now a re toaster!!
_____first day at yoga class, they told me 'no drinks allowed'.. I couldn't leave my glass unattended.. Hence i and my vodka walked out!! (funny yoga vodka quote status)
_____I got a call today that said my neighbor was involved in a hit and run...I told them that I'd be at the hospital as soon as I get my front bumper repaired
_____The last time a Wednesday was a hump day, was 15 years ago before I said "I do" (funny hump day quote)
_____Although never intentional, I always end up making great speeches on random topics while taking a dump. (funny brag quote status)
_____I'm tired from all this procrastination... so I'm just going to sit here and think about taking a nap.
_____I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it
_____What did I do last night? I climbed a mountain and wrestled a tiger. What do you think I did? I f**ked my hand and fell asleep.. WTF! ;)
_____I find the fact that some people don't have a Facebook account highly suspicious
_____But officer she said make it rain!!! sir you pissed on her head ... And ladies and gentlemen this is the reason Im not back allowed in the strip club
_____I love everyone...I love women...I love my friends...I love to punch stupid MFers in the face...
_____My boss said she likes seeing me hard at work... so I'm taken my pants off to try and get a little ahead!
_____My girlfriend wore so much perfume that I stuck her in a clay pot and set fire to her hair. She was incensed.
_____I was just about to write something inspiring but then I stopped and realized I am not that kind of person!