57 Funny Quotes

_____"THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR"...not with that attitude I won't (funny cops quote)

_____A friend of my was recently hacked...It was sad seeing her head roll down the street. (hacking quote status)

_____Sometimes you guys don't know when my posts are funny, but that's ok. (stupid quote)

_____I've been sober for 136 days now.. not in a row but still  (funny sober quote)

_____Is thinking, I need to check the sights on my gun because every time I shoot a bullet, I miss it (funny inspirational quote)

_____Saw my neighbor's been struggling with a mole problem in his yard... So I decided to help him out and burned his house down! (famous funny inspirational quote)

_____Damnit woman... don't touch me there, you're not my uncle.

_____i have slept around alot.. specially due to my huge stuff toy collection (awesome funny quote)

_____i so want to smack someones' face on the desk.. coz i am tied smacking my own.. ~ mood on Mondays' (funny quote about monday)

_____I'm sorry... You lost me after 420 characters. (420 quote)

_____When I have an erection that last more than 4 hours I call your mom (funny yo mama quote)

_____Trying to go to sleep but I cant...your mom keeps snoring too loud! :/ (your mom quote)

_____Based on the size of the guys on Pawn Stars I bet I can get a lot for this cheeseburger

_____You should be honored. If your mom wasnt so hot I wouldnt be bragging about it

_____task for the day - let monday screw me left; right & centre.. (funny quote about monday)

_____I don't always drink beer but when I do I get more f++ked up than the economy (funny quote about beer and economy)

_____An eye for an eye would be cool... if I was a f*cking pirate or at least looked good with an eye patch!

_____The end to a great weekend came faster than your mom last night  (funny yo mama quotes)

_____I don't have a steady girlfriend........Probably because she has Parkinson's (funny quotes about Parkinson)

_____I'd like to dedicate this status to all the statusless people out there....you know who you are.Hang in there...We're all here for you. (famous funny status)

_____Whats the difference between anything and your mom? I am not doing anything right now (great funny insulting quote)

_____When I'm in a really long line I notice all the super skinny people and I start to feel fat. But as the line gets shorter, I lose wait

_____I want uncertainty and I want it now!!! or maybe later, I'm not sure. :( (uncertain quote)

_____i wish everyone would have been all acceptable to the idea of me ruling the world as much as i am. (funny ideas quote)

_____Whoa! Just because I stalk you... doesn't give you the right to talk to me! (funny quote about stalking)

_____Me and my girlfriend decided to commit suicide together...and guess what...once she'd killed herself....things suddenly looked a lot more positive at my end. (great funny quote status)

_____i would have come up with a few good posts, but i am busy dragging myself through this bloody Tuesday (funny quotes about tuesday)

_____If my neighbors don't stop yelling I am going to put my clothes back on and get off the roof (Awesome funny quote)

_____Never trust anybody that won't lie for you. (great famous quote)

_____Just belched and smoke came out... So yeah, my super power is a dragon.

_____Just to let you know, I'm gonna be bending over soon if you keep giving me 'that' look....

_____I dnt know how people get addicted to wrong things.......I've been doing  it everyday since I was a boy and I'm not addicted (Awesome funny quote)

_____I got fired from my job as an announcer at train station....All I said was "If anyone has lost a small kid, he has been found on platform no 1, 2 and 3."  (short funny joke)

_____I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!  (funny status post)

_____You wont believe, I just saw a butterfly with a whore's tattoo on her back...above her a** crack. 

_____Going to be a great day...made it out of the shower without drowning.  (famous funny quote)

_____‎i don't like the way matter looks at me.. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.. (Great funny quote)

_____Spooning leads to forking. Incompetent forking has been known to lead to knifing. Errr....Stay out of my cutlery drawer if you know what's good for you.

_____I make my own sammich and masturbate because if you want something done right you have to do it yourself 

_____You know when your old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an Ipad. (the punchline)

_____Was getting ready to have my review at work today... I just wrote THEM a check and said "See ya tomorrow!" :)  (best funny quote status)

_____If I ever get rich, I will start a fortune cookie company and I will hire some of you to write messages for my fortune cookie company

_____There is a fast food place called ChikFillet. Well I am opening one called ChickFiller. Its in my pants and its all you can eat (the oneliner punch)

_____In case no one has noticed I am about 69 degrees beyond crazy  (Famous funny quote)

_____I googled the word sexy and it said see mirror for details (great funny quote)

_____If I owned a store and had to close it due to the bad economy I would have a Thanks For None Of Your Business sale and tell everyone to f**k off when they came in (short joke)

_____Sometimes I'm an as*hole but thats just my opinion (funny opinion)

_____OMG! This womans camel toe is so big it looks like someone hit her with a machete (funny camel toe quote)

_____When you are sad just sit on a happy face. You will be smiling in no time (funny inspirational status

_____I just saw a really hot chick walking down the street so I gave her a bottled water and told her to stand in the shade for a while (short joke)

_____I worked at Burger King for one day and quit. I kept the uniform though. Now I get free soda for life (funny burger king quote status)

_____Rigged my sprinkler to my doorbell and have two of them aimed at my front door. Cant wait for a Jehovahs witness to stop by (funny quote about Jovah's Witness)

_____Uno, dos, tres and quatrro are the only words I understand in a Pitbull song (funny quote about pitbull)

______I hate when I hold the door open for a woman and she still wont get in the back of my van (i hate quotes)

______I put flour and yeast in my yard yesterday so I will be raking in the dough today

_____Lets play farmer. You choke my chicken and I will check you for eggs (famous funny quote)

_____Never beat around the bush with a woman. If you are that close just stick it in (great famous funny quote)

_____I tried to get some road head but she kept saying it was just a test drive and against company policy


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_____Isn't it weird how much smarter you were when you were younger? When I was young, I knew every thing. Now I don't know shit.
_____I have made up my mind that if I do hit the Lottery tonight I am gonna spend half of my winnings on Liquor and Whores. The other half I will just blow. (funny lotto)
_____Sometimes, doing the right thing is next to impossible. When that happens, I say "burn it down" and lie my way out of it!
_____I Played hide and seek with the kids at the Park a couple of hours ago. They finally found me....at home in my bed under the blankets. (funny hide and seek)
_____So many of you should be very thankful that I haven't mastered the art of total mind domination... . . . . . . yet!
_____‎The proper words that best describe you would be vinegar sac, yep I just called you a douche bag but in a fancy way!
_____I was wondering to myself, what exactly is life all about? Why do we have to live to fight another day? Then I realised that..... I have to go to work tomorrow so I went back to bed. (funny Life quote)
_____99% we have our rights....1% how 'bout you shut the F@*K up!
_____This is just a small "token" of my appreciation.~ Me tipping my waitress at Chuck-E-Cheese.......... with a token.
_____I have the best neighbor in the world, he lets me use all his stuff when he's not home and acts like he knows nothing about it.
_____Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.
_____Like most of your statuses I really don't 'like' you!!!
_____Sometimes I just wanna..stop..look at you..ask you what the hell is wrong with you..then punch you right straight dead in the face..then laugh and walk away!
_____I'm not stalking. I'm concerned....all the time....about all things in your life. (funny stalking)
_____Whoever said “Cheaters NEVER prosper”…CLEARLY never read the definition of “prosper”…and ALSO….likely never had the opportunity to cheat…. (funny cheater quote)
_____I'm going to the dentist later. I gotta try to be nicer to him, I don't wanna hurt his fillings (funny dentist quote)
_____Here is the good news one of us is not stupid and I'm sure its me.(funny stupid)
_____ If your father pokes me one more time on Facebook, I'm changing my relationship status. (funny poke)
_____Wait a minute... what? Your only 27? You don't even look that old, and here I was thinking you were 6.
_____The difference between peoples thoughts here is that some are so funny you could shit. ...others are just shitty.
_____My little 10 year old cousin just broke up with his girlfriend. Poor guy lost half of his coloring pencils.
_____REAL men can wear pink….but they don’t…because everyone knows that is just gay
_____I am so running out of ideas. I think I am going to win this marathon. (funny marathon)
_____Some people will never lern. And I don't care if I spelled that wrong.
_____Monday is a very busy day for me. First I'm going to do nothing till noon. Then I will leave at 2 pm to do some more of nothing, I come back at 5, relax for a while maybe watch some telly and then it's back to doing nothing. How's that for a hectic monday??? (funny monday)
_____The only difference between myself and a thin person is willpower. Thin people don't have the willpower to eat as much as I do. (funny Willpower Quote)
_____I never say bad things about good people, those assholes don't deserve to be talked about!
_____How to rob a bank. Tip #1  Walk into the bank. (funny robbery)
_____I‎'m actually a skilled mind-reader.  I know what you're thinking.  Your thinking:You don't believe me
_____good night, sleep tight. Because no one likes a loose sleeper (funny goodnight wish)
_____Do you copy what Im saying... or should I paste for you? (funny fb copy/paste)
_____Another cool thing thing about this Timeline is, I was looking at old comments and found friends that had deleted me without my knowledge. Now I know whose houses to set on fire. (funny timeline status quote)
_____Sleeping with boxing gloves tonight cause I know I'm going to wake up and get into a fight with my alarm clock in the morning. *Ding ding...K.O. (funny good morning)
_____My boss just told me he doesn't pay me post on FB all day. Well if he did my check would be bigger
_____Usually my first or second posts are test cases, if I dont catch enough "likes", the boat goes back to the dock (funny Facebook status quote)
_____Whenever I'm feeling down I always remember to stop and piss on my neighbor's roses...then I feel better. (funny flower quote)
_____So..guys, tell the truth..are you more likely to "like" a female's status if you think she's hot? (funny question)

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_____If I wanna describe myself using 3 words I would say:

Smart, clever, intelligent, genius  (Awesome funny quote)
_____ Just because I say 'It's nice to see you again', it doesn't mean that it's nice to see you again (witty quote and status)
_____ I know the world won't end in 2012, because my credit card doesn't expire until 2015. And we know that the Banks control the world! (funny bank quote, world's end quote)
_____ When I meet someone new I like to shake their hand with increasing speed and intensity while whispering "Oh God. Don't stop" because people need to learn not to talk to me. (Hilarious quote and status)
_____ I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that dude (funny women quote)
_____ Till yesterday I use to hated people with bad grammar and speling mistek...But then today I found out something about myself. (funny grammar quote)
_____ ‎"It's a long story" ~ people who don't want to talk about whatever you just asked about. (its a long story quote)
_____ I think its wrong when people get punished for things they didint do, u know like

"Homework"   (funny homework quote)
_____ I think I'm lactose intolerant... I just had 6 milkshakes and my stomach is killing me. (best funny quote, status and joke)
_____ Never put the key to your heart in someone else's pocket... And never put your hand oin someone else's pocket either, unless you have permission. Apparently that is a form of harassment.. (funny quote and status)
_____ My computer wont take my password, it keeps sending me a message "caps off". I removed my cap from my head and tried again, still nothing (funny caps lock quote)
_____ Studying hard to become an erectional officer. (funny erection quote)
_____ It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness, except that I can't find a bastard candle because it's too fucking dark. (funny candle quote)
_____ Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet. I sit at my window drinking hot chocolate and wonder what those daft fuckers are doing out there. (funny rain quote)
_____ I've been calling my girlfriend "babe" for five years because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name. (funny girlfriend quote)
_____ Is it wrong to go to sleep and dream of beating someone up, then wake up smiling about it? (funny dream quote)
_____ I'm so broke and sad I don't have any cents of humor (funny humor quote)
_____ If you can't say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do. (funny people quote)
_____ I SAVED EVERYONES LIFE and all those ungrateful bastards want to focus on is that I started the fire (funny fire quote and joke)
_____ I can't recall the last time a guy made me smile uncontrollably , maybe it was when my ex was squirming on the ground after i kicked him in the balls.
_____ Today is already turning into one of those Mondays where liking your own status is about as much acknowledgement as you're going to get. (funny Monday quote)
_____ I don't understand why you guys make fake profiles. I mean look at me! (funny profile quote)
_____ It's cute when you wink at me, but next time, could you use one of your eyes? (funny wink quote)
_____ Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?" So ungrateful.
_____ My husband says I talk while I sleep. But I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it. (funny work sleep quote)
_____ I don't care about awards and all that crap, I just hope my obituary mentions something about my Facebook statuses (funny Facebook quote)
_____ My answering machine message: "Hi, I'm not at home. Please leave a message after the FUCK YOU... Sorry about that! Beep doesnt work." (funny answering machine quote)
_____ Still not exactly sure why facebook wants me to know about the people I might know but hey I'll go along with it. (funny Facebook quote)

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