37 Funny Quotes

funny sarcastic quote picture
_____Isn't it weird how much smarter you were when you were younger? When I was young, I knew every thing. Now I don't know shit.
_____I have made up my mind that if I do hit the Lottery tonight I am gonna spend half of my winnings on Liquor and Whores. The other half I will just blow. (funny lotto)
_____Sometimes, doing the right thing is next to impossible. When that happens, I say "burn it down" and lie my way out of it!
_____I Played hide and seek with the kids at the Park a couple of hours ago. They finally found me....at home in my bed under the blankets. (funny hide and seek)
_____So many of you should be very thankful that I haven't mastered the art of total mind domination... . . . . . . yet!
_____‎The proper words that best describe you would be vinegar sac, yep I just called you a douche bag but in a fancy way!
_____I was wondering to myself, what exactly is life all about? Why do we have to live to fight another day? Then I realised that..... I have to go to work tomorrow so I went back to bed. (funny Life quote)
_____99% we have our rights....1% how 'bout you shut the F@*K up!
_____This is just a small "token" of my appreciation.~ Me tipping my waitress at Chuck-E-Cheese.......... with a token.
_____I have the best neighbor in the world, he lets me use all his stuff when he's not home and acts like he knows nothing about it.
_____Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.
_____Like most of your statuses I really don't 'like' you!!!
_____Sometimes I just wanna..stop..look at you..ask you what the hell is wrong with you..then punch you right straight dead in the face..then laugh and walk away!
_____I'm not stalking. I'm concerned....all the time....about all things in your life. (funny stalking)
_____Whoever said “Cheaters NEVER prosper”…CLEARLY never read the definition of “prosper”…and ALSO….likely never had the opportunity to cheat…. (funny cheater quote)
_____I'm going to the dentist later. I gotta try to be nicer to him, I don't wanna hurt his fillings (funny dentist quote)
_____Here is the good news one of us is not stupid and I'm sure its me.(funny stupid)
_____ If your father pokes me one more time on Facebook, I'm changing my relationship status. (funny poke)
_____Wait a minute... what? Your only 27? You don't even look that old, and here I was thinking you were 6.
_____The difference between peoples thoughts here is that some are so funny you could shit. ...others are just shitty.
_____My little 10 year old cousin just broke up with his girlfriend. Poor guy lost half of his coloring pencils.
_____REAL men can wear pink….but they don’t…because everyone knows that is just gay
_____I am so running out of ideas. I think I am going to win this marathon. (funny marathon)
_____Some people will never lern. And I don't care if I spelled that wrong.
_____Monday is a very busy day for me. First I'm going to do nothing till noon. Then I will leave at 2 pm to do some more of nothing, I come back at 5, relax for a while maybe watch some telly and then it's back to doing nothing. How's that for a hectic monday??? (funny monday)
_____The only difference between myself and a thin person is willpower. Thin people don't have the willpower to eat as much as I do. (funny Willpower Quote)
_____I never say bad things about good people, those assholes don't deserve to be talked about!
_____How to rob a bank. Tip #1  Walk into the bank. (funny robbery)
_____I‎'m actually a skilled mind-reader.  I know what you're thinking.  Your thinking:You don't believe me
_____good night, sleep tight. Because no one likes a loose sleeper (funny goodnight wish)
_____Do you copy what Im saying... or should I paste for you? (funny fb copy/paste)
_____Another cool thing thing about this Timeline is, I was looking at old comments and found friends that had deleted me without my knowledge. Now I know whose houses to set on fire. (funny timeline status quote)
_____Sleeping with boxing gloves tonight cause I know I'm going to wake up and get into a fight with my alarm clock in the morning. *Ding ding...K.O. (funny good morning)
_____My boss just told me he doesn't pay me post on FB all day. Well if he did my check would be bigger
_____Usually my first or second posts are test cases, if I dont catch enough "likes", the boat goes back to the dock (funny Facebook status quote)
_____Whenever I'm feeling down I always remember to stop and piss on my neighbor's roses...then I feel better. (funny flower quote)
_____So..guys, tell the truth..are you more likely to "like" a female's status if you think she's hot? (funny question)

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