30 Funny Quotes

_____If I have to wash my mouth out with soap, does that mean I get to shower with toothpaste? (Funny toothpaste quote status joke)
_____It's our fault that kids wear their pants so low. We've always told them "hind sight is 20/20".... so now they're keeping an eye out (low pants quote)
_____You don't know what you've got, till it's gone.....
So...... could you leave to let me know for sure?
_____To the men: Hold on, hold on.....I'll remember your name! It's either Bud, Buddy, Dude, Guy, Pal, Bro, Homie, Chief, Captain or Man... right? To the ladies: Hold on, hold on.....I'll remember your name! Hi, beautiful
_____I love to crack people up. Sometimes they don't want the crack but they'll learn to love it.
_____Whenever I read a hilarious status I convince myself that I thought of it first then I high five myself for the creativity
_____If Facebook were to crash, would you feel like you've "lost all your friends"?  It's sad that we live in a world where the majority of people would say "Yes".
_____I've decided to assume everything I don't understand is a compliment. I'm just responding with lot of "Thank you"s.
_____On a scale from 1 to 10, I think you are 10, but let me get 9 more scales for you to stand on to confirm that.
_____I didn't see anyone important today so I'm going to wear the same clothes tomorrow
_____I lost my 5 subscriber after posting my non-concern for owls. I must stop being so politically controversial.
_____Don't you hate when you wake up and... no that's it.. don't you hate it?
_____‎The new Facebook "timeline" is pretty accurate. It sucks almost as much as my real life does. (funny timeline quote)
_____This will be the last status I ever right. You read that wrong. Write?
_____It is better to have loved and lost then to be stuck with some idiot forever (funny love quote)
_____When you call someone "a whore", make sure they're actually charging money; because some of us are just sluts and love doing it for free
_____Dear Friends, especially my female friends. When I am quiet I am not mad. When I am quiet I am not sad. When I am quiet I am not worried. When I am quiet I am not sick. When I am quiet I am not plotting. When I am quiet I am not depressed. When I am quiet I am just quiet.
_____Whenever I go to the bathroom, I like to tell people I need to go make a political decision. It makes it sounds as if it is an important thing to do.
_____After my last post That girl text me saying: Never text me again, you creep. Clearly she wants me to call her instead. Right?
_____I'm gonna read a book, what a novel idea.
_____I'm living each day as if it were the last..... I was an a$$hole yesterday so don't expect anything different today.
_____Facebook is awesome.I can post my deepest thoughts and personal ideas and share with millions of people around the world...or I can just post this picture of someones kitten
_____It feels like I was beaten up last night for some reason.
_____No, officer I am not naked, I'm wearing socks
_____My boss doesn't seem to understand that " go f**k yourself" is the only way I know how to say good morning at 6 am
_____‎‎Face slaps should be called hand hugs. It just sounds better when im trying to explain my side of the story.
_____Just because you have a witty tongue, doesn't necessarily mean you have a sharp mind. :)
_____I don't know how to tweet....and I'm okay with that.
_____Sure i can be positive!!!!!. ....I am positively sure your a dumbass...how's that :)
_____Be positive. Always tell yourself "I can! I can!" then think about it for a second and add a "never".
_____Some people are just too nice to hate. I hate people like that.
_____When I love somebody, I don't set them free, I set them on fire cuz, shit....if I can't have them, NOBODY can.
_____Every time a really hot woman approaches me and begs me to have hug with her, I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. And I always wake up.
_____Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! I'm going to celebrate by eating my neighbor's dog for dinner. (funny Chinese year quote)
_____if you can't find any friends to play with, you can always play with yourself

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