_______Me: do these jeans make my butt look big?
Him: I can't really see that well, you're blocking out the sun.
______Just read a book about the digestive system.
The ending was shit.
______A penny for your thoughts.
Five bucks if they're inappropriate.
______Everyone still raving about Frozen!!!...
Let It Go...
______Looking back at my life I feel so sad I've failed so many people.
______"I put the C U in cute"
~ stalkers maybe
______Some people say I am an animal in the sack"
- baby kangaroo
______Sorry to yawn in your face but to be fair you were boring the life out of me...
______Love riding 2 wheels to work. Its hard to keep the car on its side though...
______'8 Years a Slave' is what I'm titling my tell-all book about my amazing marriage.
______Remember to always thoroughly wash your hands in a public restroom... right before you touch the filthy, virus-laden door handle on the way out.
______If you rub me the wrong way, I'll just take over and do it myself...
______Hey ladies, if for some reason you're feeling down, call me and I'll try to feel you up. Yeah, that sounded a lot more suave when I said it to myself.
______Liven up a slugs boring day by pouring a ring of salt around it and giving it enough Lego pieces to build a bridge
______If you have nothing intelligent to say... just write it on Facebook.
______Thanks for the good reggae music,Bob Marley....but no thanks for white guys walking around with dreads...
______"Yes, sweetheart, I agree we should talk about this later... like maybe after you forget about it?" —Men
______Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age... But then I remember that I'm not 15.
______I'm going to hang a Superman costume in my closet just to mess with my mind if I ever get Alzheimer's.
______Friend: "Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?"
Me: "I think that's a myth..."
Friend: "No, it's definitely a butterfly."
______People who post better than me: Please. This is all I have.
______If you're going to reach out to me, there better be a doughnut in your hand.
______NO ONE WARNED ME THERE WOULD BE PEOPLE HERE!!
- Me, everywhere I go
______I've decided I need a break from facebook. ok I'm back.
______I'll never forget that amazing, erotic night that I spent with what's her name.-- Men
______Is it a pattern or a problem if you make at least three posts to Facebook a day from a toilet seat??
Asking for a friend.
______Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant...Pfft I'm not falling for it.
______Let's all start using duck as a swear word just to duck with auto-correct.
______ My recent trip to Walmart has forced me to reexamine my long-held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.
______I am the Michael Jordan of overweight Americans who suck at basketball.
______Don't ask me to moan, make me...
______If it wasn't for sarcasm, my coworkers and I would never communicate
______Time flies when you're having fun, they say. So here I am, stopwatch in hand, sitting next to a fresh turd, and I 'm not having fun anymore. I don' t get it.
______If you don't have anything to do today, you can wonder about when will your life actually begin?
______Today is the day to show the one you love how special they are so go ahead, violate that restraining order. Love has no boundaries.
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