34 Hilarious and Funny Status Updates

_______Me: do these jeans make my butt look big? 
Him: I can't really see that well, you're blocking out the sun.

______Just read a book about the digestive system. 
The ending was shit.

______A penny for your thoughts. 
Five bucks if they're inappropriate.

______Everyone still raving about Frozen!!!... 
Let It Go...

______Looking back at my life I feel so sad I've failed so many people.
Lecturer maybe.

______"I put the C U in cute" 
~ stalkers maybe

______Some people say I am an animal in the sack"
- baby kangaroo
hilarious status updates

______Sorry to yawn in your face but to be fair you were boring the life out of me...

______Love riding 2 wheels to work. Its hard to keep the car on its side though...

______'8 Years a Slave' is what I'm titling my tell-all book about my amazing marriage.

______Remember to always thoroughly wash your hands in a public restroom... right before you touch the filthy, virus-laden door handle on the way out.

______If you rub me the wrong way, I'll just take over and do it myself...

______Hey ladies, if for some reason you're feeling down, call me and I'll try to feel you up.  Yeah, that sounded a lot more suave when I said it to myself.

______Liven up a slugs boring day by pouring a ring of salt around it and giving it enough Lego pieces to build a bridge

______If you have nothing intelligent to say... just write it on Facebook.

______Thanks for the good reggae music,Bob Marley....but no thanks for white guys walking around with dreads...

______"Yes, sweetheart, I agree we should talk about this later... like maybe after you forget about it?" —Men

______Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age... But then I remember that I'm not 15.

______I'm going to hang a Superman costume in my closet just to mess with my mind if I ever get Alzheimer's.

______Friend: "Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?" 
Me: "I think that's a myth..."
Friend: "No, it's definitely a butterfly."
She's blonde.

______People who post better than me: Please. This is all I have.

______If you're going to reach out to me, there better be a doughnut in your hand.

- Me, everywhere I go

______I've decided I need a break from facebook. ok I'm back.

______I'll never forget that amazing, erotic night that I spent with what's her name.-- Men

______Is it a pattern or a problem if you make at least three posts to Facebook a day from a toilet seat?? 
Asking for a friend.

______Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant...Pfft I'm not falling for it.

______Let's all start using duck as a swear word just to duck with auto-correct.

______ My recent trip to Walmart has forced me to reexamine my long-held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.

______I am the Michael Jordan of overweight Americans who suck at basketball.

______Don't ask me to moan, make me...

______If it wasn't for sarcasm, my coworkers and I would never communicate

______Time flies when you're having fun, they say. So here I am, stopwatch in hand, sitting next to a fresh turd, and I 'm not having fun anymore. I don' t get it.

______If you don't have anything to do today, you can wonder about when will your life actually begin?

______Today is the day to show the one you love how special they are so go ahead, violate that restraining order. Love has no boundaries.

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