34 Hilarious and Funny Status Updates
_______Me: do these jeans make my butt look big?
Him: I can't really see that well, you're blocking out the sun.
______Just read a book about the digestive system.
The ending was shit.
______A penny for your thoughts.
Five bucks if they're inappropriate.
______Everyone still raving about Frozen!!!...
Let It Go...
______Looking back at my life I feel so sad I've failed so many people.
______"I put the C U in cute"
~ stalkers maybe
______Some people say I am an animal in the sack"
- baby kangaroo
______Sorry to yawn in your face but to be fair you were boring the life out of me...
______Love riding 2 wheels to work. Its hard to keep the car on its side though...
______'8 Years a Slave' is what I'm titling my tell-all book about my amazing marriage.
______Remember to always thoroughly wash your hands in a public restroom... right before you touch the filthy, virus-laden door handle on the way out.
______If you rub me the wrong way, I'll just take over and do it myself...
______Hey ladies, if for some reason you're feeling down, call me and I'll try to feel you up. Yeah, that sounded a lot more suave when I said it to myself.
______Liven up a slugs boring day by pouring a ring of salt around it and giving it enough Lego pieces to build a bridge
______If you have nothing intelligent to say... just write it on Facebook.
______Thanks for the good reggae music,Bob Marley....but no thanks for white guys walking around with dreads...
______"Yes, sweetheart, I agree we should talk about this later... like maybe after you forget about it?" —Men
______Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age... But then I remember that I'm not 15.
______I'm going to hang a Superman costume in my closet just to mess with my mind if I ever get Alzheimer's.
______Friend: "Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?"
Me: "I think that's a myth..."
Friend: "No, it's definitely a butterfly."
______People who post better than me: Please. This is all I have.
______If you're going to reach out to me, there better be a doughnut in your hand.
______NO ONE WARNED ME THERE WOULD BE PEOPLE HERE!!
- Me, everywhere I go
______I've decided I need a break from facebook. ok I'm back.
______I'll never forget that amazing, erotic night that I spent with what's her name.-- Men
______Is it a pattern or a problem if you make at least three posts to Facebook a day from a toilet seat??
Asking for a friend.
______Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant...Pfft I'm not falling for it.
______Let's all start using duck as a swear word just to duck with auto-correct.
______ My recent trip to Walmart has forced me to reexamine my long-held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.
______I am the Michael Jordan of overweight Americans who suck at basketball.
______Don't ask me to moan, make me...
______If it wasn't for sarcasm, my coworkers and I would never communicate
______Time flies when you're having fun, they say. So here I am, stopwatch in hand, sitting next to a fresh turd, and I 'm not having fun anymore. I don' t get it.
______If you don't have anything to do today, you can wonder about when will your life actually begin?
______Today is the day to show the one you love how special they are so go ahead, violate that restraining order. Love has no boundaries.
You might also like
Funny Status Updates about Pizza
Funny Status Updates about Love