Quotes And Status: 33 Hilarious, Cool, Clever and Funniest Status Updates

_______A twisted sense of humor runs in my family. I f my uncle had not poked pinholes in my dad's condoms you would not be reading this.

_______I wish that Liars' pants really would set on fire. That way we'd know by the flames who not to associate with.

_______Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it’s none of my f**king business.

_______I f you're good you can be on Santa's nice list......If you're naughty you can be on My Friends list!

_______"I can' t I 'm dying on Friday!" - the response to anyone who asks me to do something on Friday.

_______I laugh at addictions, I can get off Facebook anytime I 'd like, take now for example as I leave and go to the store for a pack of smokes.

_______I f you've been in a beauty contest and didn't start blowing the microphone during the talent portion, then you're just another pretty face.

_______Irony is when the vet tells you that your dog needs to have a CAT scan.

_______When I was growing up the best social network site was the park.

_______A kid pointed at me saying "You've got autism!" I said "That's a big word for someone who is 3,632 days old."

_______Just a fair warning, running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.

_______We have an inspirational poster in the break room at work that says nothing because posters cant talk.

_______Thought I was listening to Skrillix... until I heard the radio announcer say "This concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system."

_______Drinking coffee like I'm going to be productive or something.

_______I f you wear your heart on your sleeve... you should probably go to the hospital and get that sh!t checked out.

_______Voltage divided by current is futile.

_______Sometimes I wish people still said 'spiffing' instead of 'awesome' . Mainly so that I don' t sound like such a twat when I say it myself.

________Huh, what? Sorry... for a minute there, you actually bored me to death.

________You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. Instead, I get told to stop being silly and get back to work.

________Can't wait to see my kids' faces light up on Christmas morning when I set fire to my house for insurance purposes.

________A jogger just yelled at me for blocking the side walk with my car & I tried to apologize but accidentally said “nice spandex faggot”

________Although the weather outside is frightful, & my bed is so delightful, but since my wife said "No",its off to work I go, work I go, work I go.

________Some believe that bad people go to Hell when they die. Personally I think an eternity in Walmart during the Christmas season would be much worse.

________That awkward moment when your at the red light and a cop pulls up next to you an you try to reach for your seat belt and the damn thing locks up! Never fails.

________Last night I slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I slept for 4 hours gay.

________I drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I dismembered my elf on a shelf when I found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".