30 Funny Witty and Hilarious Statuses

_______If it doesn't kill you...............it only needs to be made stronger!!
_______the only time i did window shopping is when i wanted to buy a window
_______Some people are as pointless as the second window at McDonald's
_______Not only do I stalk your page, at night you might feel a 'POKE'.
_______I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
_______Only one more 250 lb. fat chick until I can truthfully say I've been with a ton of women!
_______I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations.
funny fat chick quote status

_______My wife said I don't listen and a whole bunch of other... somethin.
_______Whenever you feel sad... just remember somewhere in the world there's an idiot trying to pull open a car door handle as it's being unlocked.
_______I really was gonna jog at the park this morning....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few puffs and cheered the joggers on, instead.
_______Most of you, like waking up in the morning, to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received.   I like waking up in the morning....to see..... WTF I posted!
_______If Plan A and B fails... don't worry! Just go to Plan F and U.
_______My fantasy football team is all cheerleaders.
_______That awkward moment when you log onto facebook and it says 9:30 pm... you look two minutes later it says 12:45 am.
_______I'd make a joke about the post office but you won't get it for 3-5 business days.
_______Well, I've had an evening so enjoyable that I honestly couldn't give a flying f**k how yours went. (Sarcastic status)
_______I think classical music was created solely for making murders feel a lot cooler..
_______I've just bought this new digital camera and none of my pictures come out wonderful....................being ugly sucks
_______"Liking" your post doesn't necessarily mean I agree with the status... sometimes it just means "Look at how stupid this person is."
_______I never panic during a crisis because most of the time I'm the cause.
_______I thought my husband was cheating on me with another woman. He's not, though, it's still the same woman.
_______My apologies for not being on Facebook yesterday...I was watching this chic trying to parallel park.
_______Medication is easy, it's the prescription that's the hard part
_______This Christmas I'm going to give the gift of laughter and good cheer...but first I have to separate it into little plastic baggies.
_______My attention span is shorter than an Amish phone book
_______If at first you don't succeed then you're probably a pathetic loser.
_______I ain't afraid of no ghost. No? Well your double negative suggests that actually you are, you uneducated ghostbusting moron scaredy cat.
_______I'd like to see Dora get lost & have to blow some dude for a ride home.  Kids need to learn that not all adventures end with a happy dance.
_______Forgive and Forget?   I'm neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimers.
_______Anybody that believes there is no such thing as a free ride should see me at work.

You May Also Like
Sarcastic Status
Funny Success Status

No comments:

Post a Comment