31 Funny, Witty and Hilarious status Updates

_______I am not saying your breath is bad, but last time I caught a whiff I stopped, dropped, and rolled.
_______Whomever came up with the slogan of "the quicker picker upper" for Bounty obviously never tried Adderall.
_______Dont judge me but I'm looking at a single corn seed in my hand and yelling- I HAVE A UNI-CORN.
_______Sometimes i find myself thinking about the profound complexities of the universe, galaxies, our solar system, nature and its forces,the wonders of quantum physics, then i ask myself,''why do men have nipples?''
LOL joke quote status

_______My kids found my whip, my handcuffs and my mask in my room. So I just explained to them I was a superhero.
_______"Things change. Whether for better or for worse, we find out later - and that's a good thing, I suppose, because otherwise, either everything would change, or absolutely nothing." - Me, being all philosophical and shit.
_______Hey Blondy! you don't have to lick your finger to flip the page... on ipad
_______Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.
_______I'm not wearing any makeup today, so I'm planning on getting a ton of "Are you okay?" questions.
_______I was in town today and a guy just wouldn't stop staring at me, so I squared up to him and asked what his problem was.  He quickly backed off, so I got back on my unicycle and continued juggling....
_______Writing "Happy birthday dipshit. Hope you choke on your cake because you never like anything I post" is a good way to get deleted. Who knew?
_______My boss told me that if I don't stop blasting 80s metal music at work he was going to start Dokken my pay
_______This status is going to be short because this toilet seat is cold
_______I started doing the Insanity workout today and I have to say if you believe that you are crazy
_______Forgive me Facebook for I have sinned. It has been over 30 minutes since my last update
_______The nice thing about no one reading your posts is you can whatever the f**k you want to say
_______I entered a contest to have dinner with the cast of Twilight. I hope I win so I can piss off their fans when I don't show up
_______I wanted to post something pragmatic here but I am not sure that is even a real word
_______My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever
_______How many times am I supposed to let my coworkers phone ring when he doesn't answer it before I drop it in a glass of water
_______Stalking people is so much harder in the winter. Their windows fog up so much easier and they can see my breath from behind the tree.
_______If you've never flipped on and off a light switch while making thunder noises... then you weren't at my first rave party at my house in 1986.
_______I'm watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
_______Move along... just a guy saving money for a vacation... move along
________Learn to say no, after your tenth pizza slice that is.
________Even Bad Luck Brian appears happy in the meme after all that he's gone through and you think you've got problems.
________The sun feels sorry for you. please stop blaming it for wearing sunglasses indoors.
________Watching half-naked men hug each other and lay down to cover one another only to decide who did it better is NOT what WWE is all about.
________Please to park your car elsewhere! Can't you see my groceries are resting there?
________Stop posing in front of a mirror. Believe me nobody ever got famous for laughing at their own reflection while capturing a brilliant moment.
________Every other individual is ruined by facing the mirror with a phone, faking a smile and dying afterwards.
________Give man a pizza and he'll add ketchup and make it a dessert.