59 Funny Quotes

_____I don't know why my armpits are so sad, but I'm just letting their tears run down the side of my body till they get over it.  (epic funny quote)
_____All the people who leave their blinkers on need to trade places with the ones who don't use their blinkers at all.  (funny inspirational status)
_____I went to the bank today to draw some money.......security guards kicked me right out......and to think......the other people were amazed by my artistic skills (awesome funny status)
_____A handsome man can make you feel pretty and seductive... Wait, that's vodka...vodka does that. (funny quotes about vodka)
_____They say you are only as old as the person you feel. Lately I have usually been feeling my own age.  (funny stupid quote)
_____Changing your profile pics... has really made it difficult in deciding my next latch hook body pillow project (great funny quote)
_____Not sure what my superpower is... but I think it's been draining my phone battery (funny quote about superpower)
_____You're 15. You're meant to feel butterflies. Not a baby kicking. (famous funny quote)
_____Tonight I shall be going out without my morals or my underwear. (famous funny status)
_____Thank you...women who eat popsicles, corn dogs, bananas, etc in public.  (epic quote)
_____Real men don't buy women..they sell them...to a pet shop.  (famous funny quote)
_____I advised my girlfriend that she'd look really cute and sexy with her hair back....which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. (funny inspirational lines)
_____me and my right hand are not going to be in touch for a week.. Yeah.. Its ''those days of the month''  (the punch line)
_____in the fight between me and my inner demons, i bet my money on inner demons.. (funny quote about demons)
_____If you catch me saying "it's the least I can do..." you can bet it literally is the least I can do. (the funny line)
_____The problem with jogging is that the beer always sloshes out of the glass (funny quotes about jogging)
_____I just finished the last chapter of my 3rd children's book I wrote titled "You better stop fighting with eachother or y'all gonna get smacked upside your heads!" (the funny liner)
_____That moment where you've been trying to start the truck for the past five minutes and then the alarm starts going crazy and then you realize you should get the f**k out of there and try stealing an easier one.  (great famous funny facebook status)
_____Calories are tiny little creatures that live in my closet. They like to sew all my clothes tighter so I can barely fit in them. (funny calories quote)
_____Don't you just hate it when you're walking on the streets and people just stare at you............I hate it even more when I'm out there naked.........they can be so perverted! (awesome funny quote status)
_____Where there's a will...........there's always a way ............or in some cases............, five hundred relatives. (hilarious quote)
_____I was told I was going to hell for being so lazy... well I sure hope the devil sends someone to pick me up then. (witty quote)
_____This whiskey I am drinking taste like my ex wife is a b!tch (funny quote about Ex)
_____I know my ABC's A. She's always right B. I'm always wrong C. I'm gonna' get laid if I follow A and B  (famous funny lines)
_____My wife she's no longer interested in me because I'm no longer the man she married  I was so pissed I just buttoned up my dress, put on my wig and stepped out of the room!!!  (great funny status)
_____I'm SO bored! But I've never been bored to tears so I have to fake them. :'( (funny quote about tear)
_____I hate the fact that YOU and I have grown so distant. I wish I could just touch you..ONE MORE TIME. ~me to my toes (stupid funny quote)
_____As soon as I can see, hear, feel, and remember the four things that are gonna happen to me if I call my wife a b!tch... I am gonna think really hard about it. (funny quote about wife)
_____I hate being "right" ~ me, when I'm standing in a two person police lineup....and they say "the guy on the right" (the funny lines)
_____I refuse to post a status about the special Olympics, prostitutes, and catching a slow clap........ I'm no animal.. (funny quote about Olympics)
_____ The reason I never go home alone from a bar or night club, is because I always carry Bounty Paper Towels with me. They are; "The Quicker Picker Upper." (funny quote about club)
_____ I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on... though people think it looks funny....but I personally think that it makes a lovely hat. (hilarious lines)
_____ People don't get high to escape reality, They get high to get there. (funny quot about people)
_____ I floss and spit blood in a cup.. that's how I donate blood (funny quot about blood donation)
_____ I don’t remember what I was gonna say...but Im  sure it was something about weed (funny quote about weed)
_____ They told me do what ever makes you happy. Right now I'm lighting your farts on fire. (funny quotes about farts)
_____ I heard Madonna adopts black kids and Angelina Jolie adopts white kids....I'm wondering when are they gonna  start the game of baby chess. (funny Madonna Angelina quote)
_____ The never-ending wipe.. because just once is never enough. :)
_____ A recent survey proved that they never conducted any survey (funny quote about survey)
_____ What's green and stops you going to work?....Weed. (funny weed status)
_____ You can go crying about your life, but I think I am very lucky that I woke up this morning (funny quote about life)
_____ Look at that sexy guy over there in denim shorts and sandals! I wanna blow him! ~No woman, ever (funny quotes about gay)
_____ my life is sooo complicated ~ everyone says so (funny lines about life)
_____ I woke up this morning feeling blue... which coincidentally is the same name as my balls.
funny phone number quote
_____Of all the things I have lost I miss your moms phone number the most (yo mama quote)
_____There is more than one way to kill a cat but I usually run them over.
_____I have a bunch of jokes about undelivered letters, but no one ever gets them :( (funny lines)
_____I just ran over the neighbors' cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe right? (epic lines)
_____My husband yelled at me for being "too controlling." Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak... (famous funny quote)
_____Violence won’t solve a thing but it totally makes you feel better! (funny quote about violence)
______30 years ago Little Red Corvette by Prince was at the top of the charts. I always wanted one and I finally have one. Not the car... I have a gay friend who is black 
_____People are freaking out cz Madonna showed her nipple during a live concert in Istanbul. I'm just f**king thankful she didn't show her pen!s  (funny quote about Madonna concert)
_____. Anyone who want to open a Joint Account with me at The Weed Bank is welcome. (weed quote)
______ You know what would be awesome? Motorcycle cops taking their arrested perps in on their bike. Yup.
______ I just killed a zombie on my port...or a Jehovah's Witness. Same thing right? (funny zombie quote)
______ I failed my chemistry exam....apparently 1000 bucks is not the right answer for what is nitrate (funny quote about exam)
______ You will never get anywhere if you don't take risks. Like in a little while I"m going to see if I can make it to the gas station before I run out of gas. (funny quote about gas)
______ My boss just yelled at me because he thinks I'm not professional. Naturally, I started crying at my desk. (famous great funny quote)
_____ I would actually wear a speedo...... but I'm self conscience about showing off too much ball cleavage......

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_____My coworker said he misses being in high school so I took his lunch money and gave him a wedgie (funny quote about coworker)
_____Barack Obama's initials are B.O. No wonder he stinks as a president (funny quotes about Barack Obama)
_____You know it's not officially considered a good night until you throw up in your mouth a little (funny quote status about night)
_____When someone bullsh!ts me I leave a real sh!t on their pillow. (funny insult quote)
_____Once upon time, bathrooms were used to take shit. Not pictures. (famous funny quote)
_____Had to break out the ouija board and hold a seance... coffee just ain't cutting it this morning! (funny bilingual quote)
_____Don't criticize me. That's my family's job. (great funny quote)
_____you scratch my back.. I will make sure u don't need to scratch yours'.. (hilarious quote status)
_____When my old posts don't receive any "Likes"... I donate them to Goodwill. (great funny status)
_____My records seem to indicate that I really need to upgrade my stereo system (funny quote status about stereo system)
_____I was doing some filing at work today and now my nails look great
_____The first thing a man notices on an attractive woman are her eyes. Then, when they aren't looking, her breasts. (famous funny quote, autocorrect)
_____ I can only speak in my "native tongue". This is why I sound funny on the phone.....I'm licking it.
_____My cell phone is the second hardest thing in my pants right now (Witty quote,the punchline)
_____I don't need to post pictures of what I do on the weekend because you already know what your mom looks like (funny quotes about your mom)
_____Something about seeing a sexy woman riding a bicycle that makes me wish my face was the seat (great funny quote)
_____Here's a tip guys. When you get angry at someone, start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat...they will never expect that. (funny inspirational quote)
_____What is so similar between facebook and my life? - Almost everyone uses it.  (Awesome     
funny your mom joke image
great quote)
_____I might as well change my bucket list into my f**k it list because your mom is the only thing on it (funny yo mama quote)
_____I wish my wife went down as much as my mobile internet does (hilarious quote status)
_____If anyone is wondering' why I keep smelling' my fingers today.. it's because I can't stop touching' myself. Yeah.. it's that good. :) (creepy quote)
______I thought I stepped in dogshit turns out I just stepped on my boss (Great funny quote about boss)
______Living for what tomorrow has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away, but today I'm getting drunk. (funny drunk quote status)
______Oh, was that your status. I'm sorry I thought it was just your computer being retarded. (retarded quote,the punchline)
_____I was really dumb at school..I use to always have a hole in my pocket... or else I would have never been able to count to 6. (funny quote status about school)
_____Don't need to worry about zombies coming to my house....no brains. (funny zombie quote)
_____I typed 'Hell' instead of "Michigan" into my GPS. I still got there. (funny GPS quote)
_____My husband said she was leaving me because I overreacted too much. So I punched him in the face with a brick ! (crazy quote)
_____My last girlfriend left me because she said I had no sense of fashion. So I put on my socks and sandals and walked right out the door. (funny quote about fashion)
_____girls are so good at multitasking...my girl used the toaster while having a bath....well that's what I told the cops.  (short joke, funny inspiring words)
_____I wish my dishwasher come with instructions because I can't figure out why she's mad at me. (great funny quote)
_____I sent my wife to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later (funny status about wife)
_____I'm lying in bed thinking and worrying about insomnia. I hope I don't get it. (funny quote about insomnia)
_____Thank you facebook for the "poke suggestions". Now my brother, my cousins, my mom and several male friends have asked me... "WTF, DUDE?" (funny Facebook status)
_____Does anyone know if Peter Gabriel ever became that Sledgehammer? (funny quote about Peter )
The phrase, 'I before E except after C' reminds me to take my insulin before I take ecstasy unless I've been on the cocaine.  (great funny quote)
_____Miley Cyrus is engaged.  So basically the world is coming to an end. (funny quote about Miley Crus)
_____being happy doesn't mean everything is going good. It just means, the meds are working (funny happiness quote)
_____I seriously cannot wait to see the fuckery that will be Britney Spears on The X Factor. (funny quote status about Britney)
_____I might sleep on my couch tonight only because I'm too lazy to walk the five feet to my bedroom. (lazy quote)
_____I was in the garden trying to plant some seeds but it slipped out and ended up on her leg
_____I post jokes about banging your mom so that when I really do it it wont be so shocking to you (funny yo mama joke)
_____I love when cooking directions include Take product out of microwave carefully. It will be hot. Really? Its been in there for 4 minutes. Of course it will be hot
_____your life would have been so boring if i wouldn't have been born.. :-p (funny quote about life)
_____I know I need to be more pacific..but can anyone tell me where is this Specific Ocean ?
_____Just wanted to let you know.. I'm not just liking' your posts because I'm stoned but because you're funny. Well, maybe.. cuz sometimes I lie. :) (sarcastic quote)
_____Heading to the Mall with my bullhorn... to cheer on the morning walkers.
_____I don't know why people say using Splenda is bad for you. Hell.. I don't mind this third ear on my forehead at all. :)
_____I've been paying for my son's tutoring lessons in French, German and algebra. I'm pretty sure he can say a few words in algebrarian by now (funny algebra quote)
_____Coffee in one hand and my bong in the other. F**k you, Folgers.. this is the best part of waking up. :)
_____Show me on this delete button... where I offended you. (offensive quote)
_____If you haven't noticed I'm not an English major and I don't give a fuck where my sentence ends and where it begins so f**k you. :) (insulting quote status)
_____I'm just gonna drag my butt along the carpet like a dog... and see where that gets me.
_____so my tooth needs cavity filling and hurts like crazy.. But i am broke.. So this month.. The filling will be of vodka only.. (funny vodka status)
_____Just walked into a gas station wearing ONLY shirt and shoes... The service was excellent! (great famous funny quote)
_____so i am wearing new sandals today's.. Should i behave like a 'normal girl' and update a pic..?? Tough call for me as a tomboy..
 _____That moment when you realize your pillow gets more head then you do (the moment quote)
_____Going to bed for real now. Well, mostly because all the vodka is gone. (vodka quote)
_____Nicki Minaj should release a dictionary of what all of her songs actually mean. (funny quote about Nicki Minaj)
_____Truly funny statuses are becoming rarer than rocking horse shit.

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57 Funny Quotes

_____"THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR"...not with that attitude I won't (funny cops quote)
_____A friend of my was recently hacked...It was sad seeing her head roll down the street. (hacking quote status)
_____Sometimes you guys don't know when my posts are funny, but that's ok. (stupid quote)
_____I've been sober for 136 days now.. not in a row but still  (funny sober quote)
_____Is thinking, I need to check the sights on my gun because every time I shoot a bullet, I miss it (funny inspirational quote)
_____Saw my neighbor's been struggling with a mole problem in his yard... So I decided to help him out and burned his house down! (famous funny inspirational quote)
_____Damnit woman... don't touch me there, you're not my uncle.
_____i have slept around alot.. specially due to my huge stuff toy collection (awesome funny quote)
_____i so want to smack someones' face on the desk.. coz i am tied smacking my own.. ~ mood on Mondays' (funny quote about monday)
_____I'm sorry... You lost me after 420 characters. (420 quote)
_____When I have an erection that last more than 4 hours I call your mom (funny yo mama quote)
_____Trying to go to sleep but I cant...your mom keeps snoring too loud! :/ (your mom quote)
_____Based on the size of the guys on Pawn Stars I bet I can get a lot for this cheeseburger
_____You should be honored. If your mom wasnt so hot I wouldnt be bragging about it
_____task for the day - let monday screw me left; right & centre.. (funny quote about monday)
_____I don't always drink beer but when I do I get more f++ked up than the economy (funny quote about beer and economy)
_____An eye for an eye would be cool... if I was a f*cking pirate or at least looked good with an eye patch!
_____The end to a great weekend came faster than your mom last night  (funny yo mama quotes)
_____I don't have a steady girlfriend........Probably because she has Parkinson's (funny quotes about Parkinson)
_____I'd like to dedicate this status to all the statusless people out there....you know who you are.Hang in there...We're all here for you. (famous funny status)
_____Whats the difference between anything and your mom? I am not doing anything right now (great funny insulting quote)
_____When I'm in a really long line I notice all the super skinny people and I start to feel fat. But as the line gets shorter, I lose wait
_____I want uncertainty and I want it now!!! or maybe later, I'm not sure. :( (uncertain quote)
_____i wish everyone would have been all acceptable to the idea of me ruling the world as much as i am. (funny ideas quote)
_____Whoa! Just because I stalk you... doesn't give you the right to talk to me! (funny quote about stalking)
funny suicidal thought image
_____Me and my girlfriend decided to commit suicide together...and guess what...once she'd killed herself....things suddenly looked a lot more positive at my end. (great funny quote status)
_____i would have come up with a few good posts, but i am busy dragging myself through this bloody Tuesday (funny quotes about tuesday)
_____If my neighbors don't stop yelling I am going to put my clothes back on and get off the roof (Awesome funny quote)
_____Never trust anybody that won't lie for you. (great famous quote)
_____Just belched and smoke came out... So yeah, my super power is a dragon.
_____Just to let you know, I'm gonna be bending over soon if you keep giving me 'that' look....
_____I dnt know how people get addicted to wrong things.......I've been doing  it everyday since I was a boy and I'm not addicted (Awesome funny quote)
_____I got fired from my job as an announcer at train station....All I said was "If anyone has lost a small kid, he has been found on platform no 1, 2 and 3."  (short funny joke)
_____I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!  (funny status post)
_____You wont believe, I just saw a butterfly with a whore's tattoo on her back...above her a** crack. 
_____Going to be a great day...made it out of the shower without drowning.  (famous funny quote)
_____‎i don't like the way matter looks at me.. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.. (Great funny quote)
_____Spooning leads to forking. Incompetent forking has been known to lead to knifing. Errr....Stay out of my cutlery drawer if you know what's good for you.
_____I make my own sammich and masturbate because if you want something done right you have to do it yourself 
_____You know when your old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an Ipad. (the punchline)
_____Was getting ready to have my review at work today... I just wrote THEM a check and said "See ya tomorrow!" :)  (best funny quote status)
_____If I ever get rich, I will start a fortune cookie company and I will hire some of you to write messages for my fortune cookie company
_____There is a fast food place called ChikFillet. Well I am opening one called ChickFiller. Its in my pants and its all you can eat (the oneliner punch)
_____In case no one has noticed I am about 69 degrees beyond crazy  (Famous funny quote)
_____I googled the word sexy and it said see mirror for details (great funny quote)
_____If I owned a store and had to close it due to the bad economy I would have a Thanks For None Of Your Business sale and tell everyone to f**k off when they came in (short joke)
_____Sometimes I'm an as*hole but thats just my opinion (funny opinion)
_____OMG! This womans camel toe is so big it looks like someone hit her with a machete (funny camel toe quote)
_____When you are sad just sit on a happy face. You will be smiling in no time (funny inspirational status
_____I just saw a really hot chick walking down the street so I gave her a bottled water and told her to stand in the shade for a while (short joke)
_____I worked at Burger King for one day and quit. I kept the uniform though. Now I get free soda for life (funny burger king quote status)
_____Rigged my sprinkler to my doorbell and have two of them aimed at my front door. Cant wait for a Jehovahs witness to stop by (funny quote about Jovah's Witness)
_____Uno, dos, tres and quatrro are the only words I understand in a Pitbull song (funny quote about pitbull)
______I hate when I hold the door open for a woman and she still wont get in the back of my van (i hate quotes)
______I put flour and yeast in my yard yesterday so I will be raking in the dough today
_____Lets play farmer. You choke my chicken and I will check you for eggs (famous funny quote)
_____Never beat around the bush with a woman. If you are that close just stick it in (great famous funny quote)
_____I tried to get some road head but she kept saying it was just a test drive and against company policy

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