48 Funny Quotes

_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her. (funny wife quote status)

_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :) (hilarious good morning status)

_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?

_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.

_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.

_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.

_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (irony quote)

_____Today I set my clock back 5 minutes slow......I felt so powerful.......u know......"Turning back the hands of time" (funny time quote status)

_____Could this day possibly get any worse........for these people around me.........I really need ideas how to make them miserable

_____I like to be polite by giving your crotch a handshake before we get acquainted.

_____Almost all of my jokes are dirty. So what. So is your mom (yoo mama quote status)

_____Some people on here write so eloquently that I can't help but step back and say "Shiiiiit."

_____ I guess I'll have to be the one who says what everyone is secretly thinking - You're a twat.

_____I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the bratz next door left in my yard.

_____I don't believe in wearing real animal fur. Its such a waste. You should wear the whole carcass

_____i really wish my ex-boyfriend doesn't come to know the lies i've told.. Especially the ones that involved burning down his house.. ; )

_____i am going to be available on skype, coz i have got my nails done and i want to show off.. :-p

_____I never had imaginary friends........ I was the imaginary friend....

_____I put the "f" in safety.. seriously, f**k that shit! :)

_____If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...I'd have... Oh fugg it... I will count it later.

_____My sick friend was praying for a cure. I can't do that so I gave him a Keurig.

_____my girl said...."your obsession with cats is totally driving me crazy, so just get out from here ."....and I was all " dont kick meeeeeowt "

_____I won't "like" a picture of your kids unless they are crying

_____I worked so hard last month so I can be able to pay the hip replacement surgery for my grandma.. as they say you break it you buy it

______what's good about hockey is that when you take a punch and fall you'll have ice on it right away

______My collection of other peoples lighters... is now available on eBay. (funny eBay quote status)

______Hey people, who wished me 'happy birthday' in small letters...get a life........also thank you. (funny birthday quote)

______I am desperately waiting to head towards the Church.. 2 minutes away is the new Bar which offers Happy Hours during lunch break !! :-D

______I requested December 21st and 22nd off of work... They said you'll have to work Xmas.... Hahaha they'll be working the last weekend on earth...

______Now that I'm getting older, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. (funny vodka joke)

______Why the hell do they only 'break the mold' on good people, yet the stupid people mold is used over and over?

______The look in your eyes tell me that you are going to love living in my basement so much!

______This is the time of night where you're pretty much alone and you can take advantage of it and babble all you want.

______Animals can be homosexual. I just saw a goat with the same hairstyle as Ryan Seacrest

______So, Barack Obama is in favor of letting guys fuck other guys. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny Barack Obama gay marriage quote status joke)

______I always like to give people a choice................the choice to do whatever the f**k I say that is!!

_____The narcissism levels of a person are directly proportional to the amount of time they spend on their own Facebook page, admiring their own posts.

_____It's really not a joke....I'd really love it, if you would just take that "POKE" I sent you seriously!

_____I know they mean well but the next person that tells me "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is going to see how strong I am....when I punch them in the throat

______Watching Avengers, I turned all green. Wondering when will these muscles grow. (funny avenger quote status)

______I am not a bad person. That's why when I am done with finishing your voodoo doll, I am just gonna tickle it hard.

_____Don't you hate it when you lean into kiss someone REALLY SEXY, and you hit your head on the mirror. Dammit man.

_____My face will be the last thing you see......when I turn off the lights and kiss you goodnight. (funny goodnight quote)

______Computer technology used to be a hard...when I was growing up, mice had balls!

______Despite what people may tell you it's the fat that makes you look fat not the dress.

______I got a tickle me Emo doll. It slits on wrists when you tickle it.

_____Vacation for me is putting an umbrella in my beer bottle.

_____Everyone has homicidal thoughts about the person bragging about going on vacation right?

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