48 Funny Quotes

_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her. (funny wife quote status)
_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :) (hilarious good morning status)
_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?
_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.
_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.
_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.
_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (irony quote)
_____Today I set my clock back 5 minutes slow......I felt so powerful.......u know......"Turning back the hands of time" (funny time quote status)
_____Could this day possibly get any worse........for these people around me.........I really need ideas how to make them miserable
_____I like to be polite by giving your crotch a handshake before we get acquainted.
_____Almost all of my jokes are dirty. So what. So is your mom (yoo mama quote status)
funny  yo mama joke image pic
_____Some people on here write so eloquently that I can't help but step back and say "Shiiiiit."
_____ I guess I'll have to be the one who says what everyone is secretly thinking - You're a twat.
_____I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the bratz next door left in my yard.
_____I don't believe in wearing real animal fur. Its such a waste. You should wear the whole carcass
_____i really wish my ex-boyfriend doesn't come to know the lies i've told.. Especially the ones that involved burning down his house.. ; )
_____i am going to be available on skype, coz i have got my nails done and i want to show off.. :-p
_____I never had imaginary friends........ I was the imaginary friend....
_____I put the "f" in safety.. seriously, f**k that shit! :)
_____If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...I'd have... Oh fugg it... I will count it later.
_____My sick friend was praying for a cure. I can't do that so I gave him a Keurig.
_____my girl said...."your obsession with cats is totally driving me crazy, so just get out from here ."....and I was all " dont kick meeeeeowt "
_____I won't "like" a picture of your kids unless they are crying
_____I worked so hard last month so I can be able to pay the hip replacement surgery for my grandma.. as they say you break it you buy it
______what's good about hockey is that when you take a punch and fall you'll have ice on it right away
______My collection of other peoples lighters... is now available on eBay. (funny eBay quote status)
______Hey people, who wished me 'happy birthday' in small letters...get a life........also thank you. (funny birthday quote)
______I am desperately waiting to head towards the Church.. 2 minutes away is the new Bar which offers Happy Hours during lunch break !! :-D
______I requested December 21st and 22nd off of work... They said you'll have to work Xmas.... Hahaha they'll be working the last weekend on earth...
______Now that I'm getting older, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. (funny vodka joke)
______Why the hell do they only 'break the mold' on good people, yet the stupid people mold is used over and over?
______The look in your eyes tell me that you are going to love living in my basement so much!
______This is the time of night where you're pretty much alone and you can take advantage of it and babble all you want.
______Animals can be homosexual. I just saw a goat with the same hairstyle as Ryan Seacrest
______So, Barack Obama is in favor of letting guys fuck other guys. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny Barack Obama gay marriage quote status joke)
______I always like to give people a choice................the choice to do whatever the f**k I say that is!!
_____The narcissism levels of a person are directly proportional to the amount of time they spend on their own Facebook page, admiring their own posts.
_____It's really not a joke....I'd really love it, if you would just take that "POKE" I sent you seriously!
_____I know they mean well but the next person that tells me "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is going to see how strong I am....when I punch them in the throat
______Watching Avengers, I turned all green. Wondering when will these muscles grow. (funny avenger quote status)
______I am not a bad person. That's why when I am done with finishing your voodoo doll, I am just gonna tickle it hard.
_____Don't you hate it when you lean into kiss someone REALLY SEXY, and you hit your head on the mirror. Dammit man.
_____My face will be the last thing you see......when I turn off the lights and kiss you goodnight. (funny goodnight quote)
______Computer technology used to be a hard...when I was growing up, mice had balls!
______Despite what people may tell you it's the fat that makes you look fat not the dress.
______I got a tickle me Emo doll. It slits on wrists when you tickle it.
_____Vacation for me is putting an umbrella in my beer bottle.
_____Everyone has homicidal thoughts about the person bragging about going on vacation right?

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