22 Funny Witty Hilarious and clever Facebook Status Updates

_______This one time... I curled my hair for like nine hours until I realized I was bald.

_______I have the madness all year round, not just March.

_______In a strange turn of events, my homework just ate my dog.
_______I don't always drink milf, but when I do it squirts all over me.
_______Nicki Minaj fired her makeup artist. So, if you've ever dreamed of loading blush, foundation and eyeliner into a cannon and firing it from point-blank range, have I got a job for you!
_______Sitting around with your thumb up your a$$ is a cute little sarcastic saying until it becomes your idea of a romantic evening.
_______That’s funny, my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I'm on my way home.
_______Excuse me Ma'am, I think that red nail polish you have in your front pocket, is open. You're welcome.
_______A woman got on the elevator, and said, "Going down." So naturally I started to unbuckle my pants. Apparently, that's not what she meant. She wanted me to push the button for the basement.
_______When people tell me they stopped drinking. My response is always, "Sorry to hear that."
_______I don't smoke, so every 45 min. I ask for a phone break. Fair is fair!
_______‎"Good things come to those who wait."  I call Bullshit! I've been sitting on this couch for 2 years and I still haven't found a job!
_______Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
_______Self medication ..the reason for my happiness..
_______After all that we've been through together, the least you could do is f**k off....
_______They say that playing an instrument fosters the mind of a gifted child .. and I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at playing the spoons.
_______Women are the foundation of our society; Every foundation has to be laid...

_______In honor of International Women Day, I am going to give every woman I can a pearl necklace tomorrow, because they deserve it.
_______You know you're growing up when you stop clubbin and start pub'in. :/
_______My old lady just slapped me so hard, I thought I went blind at first. I quickly realized when she slapped me a second time, it was the Clappers that I installed all over the house.
_______This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
_______going in for a colonoscopy soon,not that i need one,but i have looked everywhere else for the guest tv remote and it is a free exam since i turned 50 recently.
_______Sometimes I like to do amazing nice things for crappy, ungrateful people... because it pisses them off.

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21 New Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Clever Facebook Status Updates

_______ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave to work without our phones???? we made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked.

_______I am so stoked. Some hot sexy guy said he was going to come over on February 29th. I can't wait. That is like tomorrow, right?
_______It's not over till the fat lady puts all your bags on the pavement and changes the locks and files a restraining order.

_______The best part of breaking up is using a grenade as a s*x toy one last time, pulling the pin, and running away, and watching her blow up

_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but will you wipe my a**? I'm too lazy

_______My college mascot was basically just some n*de dude laying on a ping pong table slamming a beer bong.

_______I am SO High on life!! And this white powder smells AMAZING!!!

_______Good new is that my test came back negative! The bad new is that it was an IQ test...

_______I hate when someone calls me a "Son of a B!tch." Its like, have some respect, people. Just say "Your Mom is a B!tch." And leave me out of it

_______I've an alcohol problem, in that I can't afford any.

_______I think something ought to be done about all these passive smokers freeloading my secondhand smoke

_______Ever since I turned 40, I get really nervous when I see anyone putting on rubber gloves.

_______I'd like to give a big shout out to back-up BBQ Lighters for always being there for me when my regular lighter goes out.

_______Sometimes I run into strangers...and after holding them tight I make a fake call saying ''Mission Accomplished Boss".

_______I would post absolute brilliance but I understand my audience....

_______Ever since i got married , I wish real world conversations had a 140 character limit…

_______I wish dogs could talk.. Then we'd hear about all the weird freaky shit you fuckers do when nobody's around.

_______This guy sitting next to me says the smoke from my cigarette is bothering him....so I'm like... Hey mofo.... it's killing me but I'm not bitching about it.

_______You're not my first so don't flatter yourself. I've hated lots of people just as much as I hate you.

_______I'm at my most Oscar worthy when acting like I don't see someone I sort of know but definitely don't want to interact with.

_______Just mistook Kelly Clarkson for Justin Bieber on song pop. That won't happen again once he hits puberty and his voice changes.

_______Mmmmmm.... My toothbrush tastes like the kids cleaned the toilet again. Little bastards.

_______Just tried to poke an email. I may need help.

_______Careful what you ask for "ladies", I asked my husband if tonight, he thought he could make me scream with only two fingers ..... He poked me in the friggin eyes

_______Has anyone told you how extremely f**kalicious you look today ??

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