________When I see a flash mob in public I join in just to make it look like they didn't practice enough
________Finally learnt to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
________Talent used to be measurement of gold. Now it is a measurement of YouTube hits.
________This guy got arrested for wearing a fanny pack. Apparently, you have to wear clothes underneath it.
________Whenever I see a classic car in a parking lot, I put a "for sale" sign on it with my ex's number...just because
________A suicide note is just a short autobiography
________I am not saying she is to blame but a lot of bad things have happened since Martha Stewart got out of prison
________It's all fun and games until you lose your memory, then it just becomes a game.
________I've realized being optimistic will not solve all my problems, but it sure can annoy enough pessimists to make optimism worth it.
________As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so I think maybe my sneeze is Canadian?!?!
________This one time... I bought a lamp from china before I realized it was just some dude in a rice paddy hat sitting on a baby elephant.
________This one time I roller skated on my hands and hi fived everyone with my bare feet.
________I find it's best not to ask if things can get any worse unless you're up for the challenge.
________If any of you would have told me 25 years ago where I'd be today, I would have said get out of my face you cruel, sadistic non-psychic bastard.
________Calls my pharmacist my drug dealer because it just sounds more exciting...and my life is way boring.
________Hot pugtato is a party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a pug to each other while music plays.
________If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
________I refuse to use any product associated with animals, which is why I've stopped buying that Dove soap.
________I brought my sick sense of humor here because, well, I don't have any health insurance.
________Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic
________FYI..If your back starts to itch really bad when you're standing at the urinal, never, ever, ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
________First time I met my old girlfriend she said she was bi. I couldn't think of anything sexier. Until I found out she meant bipolar
________I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.
________Then there are those people who need such structure and daily routine in their lives that they have to plan to be spontaneous.
________I told this girl I met tonight I'm rubbing your legs to keep the mosquitoes from biting you ;)
________Me and my buds just finished igniting the last of the fireworks, we had left over from the 4th. We were like; HIGH FOUR!
________Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia.
________My girl said she's leaving me because I never make any sense...and that's why I don't like lettuce.________A retard...What do you call that person who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the status?
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