23 Funny Quotes

funny quote of the day
_____There's no feeling better that this warm air coming from your laptop on your crotch in this freaking cold weather. (funny winter quote)
_____I type my statuses slowly, so that some of you can understand them. (funny Facebook status)
_____I just read that prostate exams are only necessary if you’re over 40… my doctor has some good explaining to do (funny status ,joke)
_____If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar. (funny bar quote)
_____There's nothing that feels more like a slap in a face than someone swinging their open palm right into your cheek. (funny status quote)
_____‎"With" implies the feeling is mutual so 'technically' you're only in love AT me. (funny love quote)
_____My doctor asked me if i have a drinking problem. I said no. He laughed and said 'No, seriously.' (funny status joke)
_____You’re not the boss of me ~ me to my boss right after he fired me. (funny boss quote)
_____When someone asks you where the boss' room is, laugh hysterically then suddenly get back to whatever you were doing. Just to make things interesting. (funny boss status joke)
_____Today I am going out and making the world a brighter place. . . I'm going to throw lamps at people and tell them to "Lighten the F**k Up!! (top funny status quote)
_____Well i had a funny and witty status for the day but due to my terrible attention span i forgo - O SQUIRREL! , i wonder if i can catch him. (best funny status)
_____The worst part about being ME...?? well.. there is none.. i am AWESOME! (awesome status quote)
_____It's not that I hate you, but let's just say, if you were on fire and I had water in my mouth, I'd gulp it down. Unless I'd been drinking petrol. Then I'd just spit on you. (funny hate quote, joke)
_____‎"I can attribute quotes to anybody on here and nobody can prove that person didn't say it!" (funny status quote)
_____If a chick tells you she's "not like all the other girls"....she just proved she's exactly like all the other girls. (funny chick status quote)
_____The better my status, the more Facebook friends I lose. (funny Facebook status)
_____Unless you are alone, don’t ever laugh in the bathroom, it will make people think ur playing with yourself. (funny status quote)
_____I can't make you love me but I can get drunk and beat off to your voice mails. (funny voice mail  quote)
_____I liked you status and now 100 comments later, I hate you! (funny status quote)
_____I LOVE Justin Bieber. ~ People in my block list (funny bieber status)
_____I like my women like I like my windows 98... Always going down on me (top funny quote)
_____I always pull over to help a good looking girl with car troubles. I don't know anything about cars but I know how pornos start. (best witty status quote)
_____I am so broke...if it took .25 cents to get around the world...I could not get around the block! (best funny quote)
_____MARK MY WORDS!!!!!!! - me to my highlighter :) (top funny quote, short joke)

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