24 Funny Quotes

funny Christmas quote

____No, officer. I don't need a phone call, but could I update my fb to "it's complicated"? (funny cop quote)
_____My car broke down today. I didn't even know it was depressed :(
_____thinks she who laughs first has the dirtiest mind!! ;)
_____there is an unwritten rule that
_____The only people you'll have problems within life are the people who you allow to be problems.
_____Please, I'll only put it in for a minute and I'll remove it quickly ~ Me talking to Microwave.
_____There are 2 things that really drive me insane, hypocrites (funny hypocrites quote)
_____My wife had a day off and I came home and ask her if she thought the vacuum cleaner would run itself. That's when it hit me.
_____I hate when people tell me how to do my job,...........................especially my boss. (funny boss quote)
_____It's hard to get over a girl, especially when she likes being on top.
_____I can count my real friends on one hand and my enemies on one middle finger
_____it's just a “like”, it's not like your donating a kidney!
_____Every time you block me, I find 36 new ways to stalk you.
_____people say: "It's NOT the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean." But, Do you really want to go to Hawaii in a dingy OR a Luxury Cruise Ship?
_____ACTING bad is a moment....BEING bad is an addiction.
_____Way to disappoint me, pretty girls with horrible teeth.
_____I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet... like my girlfriends toothbrush.
_____Whenever you use a hotel towel to wash your face try not to think about the fact that thousands of people have dried their asses with it.
_____I just watched a film casted entirely by midgets. It was pretty short. (funny midget quote)
_____If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute, you're not a good one.
_____I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. I still haven't figured out how to get them down (funny Christmas quote)
_____‎"I want you to make love to me right this minute." - every girl I've never met.
_____You're mean- says mean people.
_____Took years to admit it, but my uncle really does take the sexiest photos of me.
_____is very good at things people normally get sent to mental asylum for. ;)
_____I miss being in Love. At least that's what I think her name was. (funny love quote)

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