25 Funny Quotes

awesome funny quote funny thanks giving quote

____To stay as my kids leading role model, I changed the covers of their "Superheros" comic books, to pics of ME with the title of, "below average and happy"
_____Life's all about knowing how long to wait before liking someone's new status so they don't find out that you're stalking them. (funny life  
quote)
_____I have way better statuses then all of you here... I'm just too selfish to share any of them with you (funny facebook status)
_____None of your statuses are original..they are just statuses I haven’t thought of yet (funny status)
_____I can't understand why some people take "I hope you die a horrible and painful death, you fat, ugly twat" so personally (hilarious quote)
_____They say my dear that "absence make the heart grow fonder"........so what I am trying to say is.....get the f**k away from me (funny quote)
_____My phone keeps saying "out of service area" when in my lap. It's starting to sound a LOT like my ex-girlfriend
_____Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy imagining you sitting on my face
_____I wish I had tits so people would at least act like they give a shit about what I say.
_____I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story
_____I don't like to send friend requests to anyone unless we have 30 or more friends in common, so if you still receive a request from me, you've got tits
_____I just couldn't wait to get here for thanksgiving so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me (funny thanksgiving quote)
_____asked the gf what she wants for her bday, she said "Something that comes from the heart"...I dont think Blood is a proper bday present though
_____always thought patience comes with age
went to a hospital and realised patients comes with age
_____
 It’s so cold I can’t even feel my penis…. Oh sorry dude I thought that was mine (funny cold quote)
_____
 I am optimist.. you guys are half full of shit (funny optimist quote)
_____
 It’s not easy being that humble when you have no flaws
_____
 If I could just make one thing very clear at this point..................................... I would.
_____
 ‎98% of all problems can be fixed with the common household hammer
_____
 I can't believe I just spent 15 seconds of my life writing this useless status. Worse yet is the fact that I spend hours reading YOURS
_____
 Sometimes when I’m having dinner I fantasize about other dinners
_____
 Seriously I’ve been on facebook for quite a time and I’ve seen everything at least twice..even this status (funny status)
_____
 My therapist told me that I have an ego problem…. oh yeah she wants me
_____
 I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did
_____
 I have huge balls - A bowler. (funny cricket quote)

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