63 Funny Quotes

______Apparently, it is easier to explain to your parents that you joined a cult than it is to explain to them what Facebook is (funny quotes about Facebook)
______I look back on my high class stripper days with sweet memories....sweet money making get rich quick memories. (Stripper Quotes)
______Here's the thing: Do not waste a perfectly good ringtone on someone who is not ever going to call (great love quote)
______Life is hard.. which is ironic because I plan on f**k' it today. :) (funny quote about Life)
______The person that coined the phrase, "The early bird gets the worm" never said it applied to owls also and that's why I don't leave my bedroom window open at night...................anymore. (Funny Phrase)
______Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to play with my balls because I never have time during the day to play sports.. (funny Quotes about Sports)
______Walking into a Liquor Store.... with a pocketful of my own cash money ......to buy PBR...... makes me feel like a straight gangster... (funny gangster quotes)
______Tried speed dating last night... I'm out about a kilo of coke, but the moat I dug around her house really compliments the landscaping! (funny dating quotes)
______Tried one of those dove bars... Worst soap I ever tasted. (funny bar quote)
______Facebook is like my fridge.I know there is nothing but I still can't help but check every 10 minutes (funny Facebook status)
______I hate it when my girlfriend is all like, hey look at me! I don't exist! (funny girlfriend status)
______Some people have problem solving skills, but most have excellent problem causing skills. (funny quotes about skills)
______If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy. 
______i’m not saying you are stupid.... but if I were to think of the 5 most ignorant people I know... you would be 3 of them (funny quotes about stupid people)
______When I die I cannot be cremated...I will need my body for the zombie apocalypse. (Zombie status)
______You're not even here yet and I already hate you Monday! (shakes fist)  (funny Monday status)
funny Facebook quote
______I want to open up a ribeye restaurant.....and call it "Ribbed For Your Pleasure" (pleasure quotes)
______ Seems to me that the longer you're married, the more often you check your spam email. (funny quotes about marriage)
______ About to watch Magic Mike. You know... because of all the chicks and shit. (funny quote about Magic Mike)
______Last night I stared at the moon for a half hour before I realized it was just your mom sitting on my face (sarcastic quote)
______I'll bet curbside couches have some pretty disturbing stories to tell. (funny couch status)
______Really should warn people when I'm drinking. I'll put on the party hat <[:) (funny emoticon status)
______Silly rabbit, If the pills are out of date you just double the dose. Everybody knows that fool... (short joke)
______The pinky toe: Completely useless except to remind you that your pain sensory receptors still work perfectly... (pinky Toe quotes)
______You know ladies, men probably wouldn't cringe when you say "we need to talk,"...... if occasionally you said "we need to f**k" instead..... (one liner joke)
______I may not have a very good memory, but at least I.......Wait......What was I talking about?(funny quote status about bad memory)
______i have lost the belief in the logic of staying sober.. :-) (funny status about being sober)
______My friend and I decided to have a contest on who can hold their coffee the longest...Goddamn bladder!! (funny contest)
______This case of beer is tasting like I'm not going to be on time for work tomorrow morning (funny beer quotes)
______i think angry birds game is a great revenge on the whole morning noises they make..!! (funny quotes about Angry Birds)
______If i am wrong, who the hell is write :-p (famous funny status)
______I have the strangest urge to slap on a kilt, march down the middle of our neighborhood and scream FRrrreeeeeeedom! (funny freedom status)
______When I was little,I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed...now that Im older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.. (funny Lines)
______You'd be amazed at how much fun you can have with a pink rubber glove, half a gallon of plain yogurt, a roll of sticky tape, a horny bull and a rookie farmhand. (great funny quote)
______Hate when it rains cats and dogs because I keep stepping in poodles. (funny poodles quote)
______I live in a brick house, and I throw glass at people. I'm assuming that's okay (the punchline)
______Working in a crematorium... is a sure-fire way to earn a living. 
______Thousands of people were fooled by “Mermaids: The Body Found” show on Animal Planet. Bahahahaha! I don't even need to make a joke. (funny quotes about Animal Planet)
______I'm on a shoe string budget. Literally, all I can afford is one shoe string. (funny quote about inflation)
______Charity begins at home. Especially if you're on welfare. (funny charity quotes)
______Saw a guy today with an ''Only God can judge me'' tattoo, see that's where you're wrong, If I can see you, I can judge you and the verdicts bad....
______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place. (awesome funny quote)
______Petard is a real word. But its also what I call Peter, my retarded co-worker (funny status about coworker).
______All that glitters is not gold. Could just be sparkly rocks (Funniest quotes)
______I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me....control that sh!t (funny sneezing status)
______Apparently the height of my business success occurred at age 14 while playing Monopoly. (Monopoly quotes)
______days when my underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I've really got it together. (good old days)
______That commercial with Hillary Duff telling us not to use the word "gay" to describe something stupid is so gay. (funny commercials)
______My ex-girlfriend came in to work today during lunch and I must admit, I was really happy to see her...I am an undertaker. (funny ex-girlfriend quote)
______Drug dealers who don't answer their phone are sh!tty businessmen. (funny ideas about Facebook Status)
______People now call me 'Wonder Mike' I had to retire all the magic. (Funny Magic Mike status)
______People who act up on the internet with others are probably the same people who yell at other drivers from the safety of their own cars. (funny internet status)
______My wife asked me to warm up the bed for her...So I pissed on her side.  (great funniest status ever)
______I'd rather get cussed out in Spanish than take a beating, because Spicks and stones may break my bones.... (Funny Spanish Quotes)
______Even I was a little surprised by how casually “Oh, I'll just swing by my office and grab my bottle of vodka” just slipped off the tongue (funny Vodka Quotes)
______I was doing shadow puppets for my kid on my porch. All of a sudden five thugs beat the living crap out of me. Apparently the double crocodile is a bad gang sign (funny Facebook status ideas)

______I can't believe you told everyone our secret. That was between me, you and your legs. (funny secret quotes)
______Just sitting here trying to think outside of the box, '30 pack of Bud' that is.
______My refrigerator stopped running. Quick give me some kids phone numbers!
______I REALLY hate it when I say the wrong thing because there's NO WAY I'm putting my foot in my mouth. (stupid status)
______Kegel, kegel, squirt, squirt... I wish I wasn't wearin' a skirt. :)
______Ladies guys really don't care if the carpet matches the drapes...they are more concerned if you got a "welcome" mat (funny Welcome Quotes)
______I'm so poor. When I reached for my piggy bank on the dresser, it looked at me and said; "b!tch please." (b!tch Please Status)
______If you've never been so hung over that you had to shower sitting down, you're probably a way more respectable member of society than I am. (funny society quotes)

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______I hope this doesn't make things 'weird ' between us, but sometimes I think of you, to get myself 'going'. (awesome status update)
______I hope fox news is the only media outlet to break the impending zombie apocalypse so all the libs get eaten first. (funny status update about zombie apocalypse)
______Who says there's nothing positive about a heroin addiction? I'll bet those bastards can open the hell out of a Capri Sun. (funny quote about Capri Sun)
______We all know that ONE person, whom we can rely on whenever we need them, who's got our backs, who would do anything for us no matter what......I am not that person.  (Famous funny status update)
______The awkward moment you tinkle on yourself a lil' bit (awkward moment quote)
______This razor/scissor/knife/axe/saw combo I invented is cutting edge 
______I'll scratch your back if you throw me down on mine.
______I knew I had this one in the bag the moment she told me that her favorite Duke Boy was Uncle Jesse. (funny quotes about Uncle Jesse)
______So, based on the new movie John Wilkes Booth was a vampire right? Just trying to help my son with his history paper. (funny quotes about John Wilkes)
______That weird moment when you realise you won't be able to pay your prostitute for her services. (the weird moment quote)
______Go ahead and lower your expectations. If you think I'm going to care, you're asking too much.  (famous funny quote)
______One of the best feelings in the world is the ''I'm sexy and I know it'' feeling......looks like some of you can't quite pull it off.... (funny quotes about LMFAO)
______how would you like your death to be as - look like an accident or a suicide?? I need to work on it accordingly :-D  (funny quote about death)
______Excuse me, you have something on you’re a**...... My eyes (great funny quote)
______My wife said she wanted me to be more romantic, so I am writing her a poem. What rhymes with threesome?  (funny quote about threesome)
______I am going to marry a man with lots of kids. I can use them as shields and decoys when fightings zombies. (funny update about zombies)
______I heard my new neighbor is from Hawaii. Everyone who visits gets 'laid. I am taking him some cookies right now (Funny quotes about Hawaii)
______Ladies, I am a sensitive guy, so when you wash my clothes for me use Tide ONLY....everything else irritates my skin. (funny status update)
______I am going to start a new company and name it 'None of your business' (sarcastic quote)
______I try to stay positive about my job. Like right now, I am positive that it is killing me.  (Funny optimistic quotes)
______Awkward moment when your midget colleague tells you not to go over his head. (funny quotes about midget)
______Apparently, 'keep it in your pants' is an inappropriate thing to say to a 9 month pregnant lady.  (sarcastic status update)
______I've never seen the movie "I Know What You Did Last Summer" I mean what's the big deal?  All I have to do is go on Facebook, and I know what everybody did last summer. (funny movie quotes)
______Years of putting my best foot forward has only served to give my other foot a complex :( (famous funny status update)
______I believe if there were 1,000 bathrooms in my home my wife would still need to be in the one I'm using..... (funny status about wife)
______Oh, smartphone.. you're so f**kin' silly. You know I didn't mean coco when I typed in cock. :) (great funny sarcastic quote)
funny status quote pic
______Sitting in my car in my pajamas waiting for the liquor store to open.... DONT JUDGE ME... I'm already judging myself ...... (Funny stupid status update)
______I may not know the meaning of self control but I do know it has gotten me into some interesting situations.  (funny self control quotes)
______Remember the times you could run through the sprinklers naked. My neighbor said now is not that time....So did the wife....and their kids...and the cops. oh, and youtube.....
______I'm trying to come up with a new title for my autobiography, because the publisher said "50 shades of Brown! sounds like Sh!t...  (funny quotes about 50 shades of gray)
______SO when Justin sings If I was your boyfriend, he's being hypothetical.. about being a boy  (funy quotes about Justin Bieber being Gay)
______I always turn my home A/C unit off at night because I love to wake up in a prehistoric swamp with giant ferns and flesh eating dinosaurs looming over me. (funny stupid quote)
______Hey you !! get a life. ~ Earth to other planets. (get a life quotes)
______i like a little bacon on my bacon on top of my bacon over bacon before i asked for bacon before i ever even said bacon .. yeah (funny bacon quotes)
______My idea of "Happy Feet" is when my feet are up by his ears. (famous funny quote)
______Fortune teller told me a needed a Psychologist. Psychologist told me I need a Hypnotist. Hypnotism told me I needed a fortune teller. So the Bartender told me I need to go home. I went home and .... (funny psycho quotes)
______It's pretty messed up on how my 6 year old kid can come up with better statuses than me, that little sh!t. (awesome status update)
______Did anyone watch the All Star game last night? The American League really took it on the chin....just like your mom.(Funny quote about American League)
______word to the wise....if u haven't seen your friend Jack in a while and u suddenly realize he is on the same flight as urs....NEVER and I say NEVER get surprised and shout out "HI JACK" (funny quotes about Jack)
______Finally got to make a couple posts today, haven't been posting much lately......I've noticed a few new people......well for all of you that don't know me.....I'm the guy that's totally awesome!!!  (Awesome status update)
______If at first you don't succeed, beat the piss out the son of a b!tch that held you back (if at first u don't succeed quotes)
______I was trying to fart in your beer. I don't care how it looked when you walked in. (funny fart quotes)
______See that big puffy cloud right there? It looks just like that load I shot on your moms back last night (yomama quotes)
______How bored I am seems to be directly linked to how many bars I'm currently kicked out of. (funny bar quotes)
______Holding' his stick while beating' his balls to relieve some stress... at the driving range. :) 
______No no honey you definitely heard me wrong. I definitely said beach. You are a cold heartless beach.....I would never call you a bitch. (Bitch please quotes)
______I'm dusting, mopping, cleaning, I don't understand why they call this housework, that house did not do any work at all. (great funny status update)
______I just ate two doughnuts. I'm pretty much an official cop now, right (funny quotes about cops)
______My dad always told me, No matter what you do, make sure you give it your all so I decided that I haven't been trying hard enough at this whole drinking thing....off to the bar. (funny bar quotes)
______Am I the only one who is sure that Dr. Seuss used "There's a wocket in my pocket" as a pickup line? (funny pickup lines)
______I do this little trick where i juggle 3 oranges, and punch you in the throat (funny trick)
______I'm not a celebrity, but I act like one. I drink too much, have crashed my car a few times, and have little to no self-respect. (funny quotes about celebrities)
______I just rubbed a magic lamp and a genie came out. Except it wasn't a magic lamp. And I need some tissues. (hilarious status update)
______I stand a chance of winning Mr Universe this year provided they are measuring by surface area. (funny quotes about Miss Universe)
______Our relationship was doomed ... she had a foot fetish, but all I could give her was nine inches. (funny relationship quotes)
______Monica Lewinsky turns 50 this week. If they don't put 50 d!*k candles on her cake to blow out, she's going to be disappointed. (funny quotes about Monica Lewinsky)
______Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food chain so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's where the zombie apocalypse comes in... (funny quotes about global warming)
______If I had to fight an alligator, I would fight to the very end. I would use every offensive and defensive tactic I had. Mainly shitting myself. That is offensive and defensive. (great hilarious witty status update)
______If this chick at Starbucks does not hurry up & make my Caramel Frappuccino... I swear, I'm going to be forced to stand here & wait for my Caramel Frappuccino... MOVE IT! (funny Caramel Frappuccino quotes)
______I can now proudly say I have a little weiner........dog that is, she's the cutest little thing!
______You know that thing you just did there...that made my eyes water... (witty status update)
______Wow, chicks and their make up, I just wanna write "Wash me" on their forehead! (funny chicks quotes)
______If the letters ORPN on your keyboard are worn out, you are doing it right. (sarcastic status update)

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______Never look for the fireworks in your car with a lighter.  Good new is I now have a sunroof.  (funny firework quotes)
______I forgot the rules of Fourth of July until Uncle Jimmy came flying out of the trailer with a AK-47 relieving Vietnam. (funny quotes about  4th of July)
______I went to Google and type in "Gambling" then click "I'm Feeling Lucky". (funny Google quotes)
______rip to all the good statuses that i had in my head but didnt have anything to write them down on (clever status update)
______4th of July. That one day of the year when we hand flaming torches over to our children and encourage them to run around the yard waving it at the other kids. (funny 4th of July quote status)
______It's a bit starting to realize that on some people's friends lists, I'm "the tokin Canadian". And no, I didn't misspelled token.
______Damn. I just sat on my balls. Ladies if you dont know what that feels like come on over and sit on my lap and I will show you (funny status update)
______I am standing outside so if anybody asks I'm getting tired of reading this joke so I went outside  (stupid status update)
______"Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you" ~greedy relative waiting for you to die.  (famous funny status)
______OMG!!! I have such a headache right now. Must be because I am aching for some head (hilarious status update)
______So my girlfriend asked me how we should celebrate 5 years of being together.....I replied, "how about two minutes of silence!  (great funny quote)
______I love taking a piss in the morning! I only wished I would have gotten out of bed :/  (funny piss quote)
______do u poke everyone or am i special??  (funny poke quote)
______I don't wish to brag, but my mom is perfectly capable of banging herself.  (funny brag quote)
______My Internet connection is down. You have no idea how much mental power it took to bring you this status.  (funny quote about internet)
______He put up a hell of a fight but I finally got his eyeballs glued to his leg.. Its harder than people make it sound!  (awesome funny quote)
______Well...at least the mosquitos think I'm attractive :/ (funny quote about mosquitos)
______Writing your name with sparklers is fun... Too bad I'm drunk making snow angels in this corn field. :(  (hilarious quote)
______The first rule of Bang Your Mom club is I am first  (funny yo mama joke)
______My nickname is Snooze because I get hit on a lot! - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. (funny snooze quote)
______If life gives you lemons be thankful, it could have been herpes.  (Awesome funny quotes about life)
______Listen, if I thought carefully about the content of my posts I wouldn't be posting.
______My spirit animal... could use a little more salt and pepper.
______When poking someone for the first time is 2 in the pink 1 in the stink ok or do I have to wait a while?  (funny quote about poking)
______Today my co-worker told me that I'm always flying of the handle and that my violent temper makes me really hard to get along with. So I curse her out and punched her in the face. (funny quote about coworker)
______Whenever anybody takes a picture of me I grab my crotch. I call it my piece sign  (funny pose for picture)
______I've never "bumped uglies". My junk is all pretty and stuff.  (awesome status)
______is busy making a film about short doorways. It's a duckumentary.  (funny film quotes)
______Looks like your mom got her teeth whitened. Of course most of it landed on her chin  (yo mama jokes)
______God grant me something better then serenity. (serenity quote)
______I watch the Discovery channel and I don't know what makes the wind blow but I do know that $20 does the trick with your mom (funny quote about discovery channel)
______When I'm bored I like to get high and write on other people's walls… I'm so glad Zuckerberg created facebook because now I don't have to leave home (funny quote about Mark Zukerberg)
funny nurse quote image
______This young nurse at work was complaining how her mom is such a whore.....Was it wrong if I ask for her mom's number!!?......asking for a friend....  (funny whore quote)
______Just taking it all in. The alcohol, that is.  (funny quotes about alcohol)
______This is only a friendly reminder, only 165 days left till the world as we know it is over... What have you done today ? Me, I slept all day..  (funny quote about end of world)
______When I go down on a girl I just pretend that I'm playing the harmonica.......  (funny go down quotes)
______I just farted so loud at the coffee shop!!!! Thank goodness that I have my headphones on so no one could hear it..  (funny fart quote)
______I'm starting to believe that the last 30 cents of agonizing slowness are the gas stations way of punishing me for pre-paying inside rather than just using a card.  (funny quotes about gas price)
______Task of the day: start humming the Mission Impossible theme and act as if you are a secret agent.  (task of the day quote)
______Ladies, never allow a man to hit you. Cause once he starts, you will be Playing the game of "Duck, Duck, Douche" for as long as you let him.
______Just downloaded instagram! Hate to say it, but its pretty cool.. Don't EVER expect shirtless pics. (funny quotes about instagram)
______Nice guys finish last. Nice girls finish with their mouth  (funny nice girls quote)
______Has anyone seen my morals? They were loose and must've fallen off around here somewhere.  (funny morals quote)
______It's the little things in life that count. At least, that's what I tell myself every time I check my bank account balance.  (funny quotes about balance)
______You'd think that the manufacturers of men's socks would have started selling them in threes instead of pairs by now...  (funny socks quote)
______You know you have made it when your boss feels comfortable enough to fart in your presence..  (funny quote about boss)
______My name aint Fred Flintstone but you mom likes it when I Yabba-Dabba -Do her  (funny Fred Flinstone quotes)
______I'm pretty sure my whistle sinuses pretty much kill any chances I had of being a ninja  (funny ninja quote)
______Weird that they don't ever solve the mystery of a talking dog in Scooby Doo  (funny Scooby Doo status)
______I just pitched a new show American Idle which pretty much is just me sitting around doing nothing. I'll let you know how it goes.  (funny American Idle Quote)
______My ex would probably have made an incredible travel agent based on the number of guilt trips I've been on.  (funny quote about Ex)
______I think I would be more popular with the ladies if I wasn't married, bald, homely and fat. (famous funny quote)
______It's World Kiss Day... and I think I just scared the sh*t out of my co-workers dressed up like Gene Simmons! :(  (funny quote about Kiss day)
______Never hit on cute bank tellers. They know you can't afford to take them to dinner  (funny bank teller quote)
______What weapon do chemists like to use? K-Ni-Fe.  (funny chemist quote)
______Yesterday I saw a guy get hit by a parked car.
______I hate people who procrastinate... and I'm gonna do something about it.... later.  (funny procrastination quote)
______So the other day I bought a book on 'How to manage frustration'.....those pages are all stuck together. (funny quote about frustration)
______These pancakes I had for breakfast... tastes like burnt icing and melted candle wax! (candle wax quotes)
______according to my weather app, it's 15 degrees cooler in hell than it is here  (funny summer quotes)
______Went to see Magic Mike but only to read the credits...  (funny Magic Mike quotes)
______I've honked my horn three times... and this a**hole in front of me won't take his monster truck off the roof of my car! :(  (Awesome status update)

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_____ It took me exactly a day to realize.. i don't give a flying f*ck if i offend anyone.. unless i really like them..  (sarcastic quote)
______ Got my unicorn wasted last night and watched it puke rainbows... It was so disgustingly pretty! (funny unicorn quote)
______ Ok, let’s play a game. You ask me anything and I shoot you. (hilarious quote)
_____ Many people come to me and say How does it feel to be so f**king awesome?.. and by many people I mean me. :) (funny inspirational quote)
______ i had forgoten my cell phone at home.. The doctor diagnosed the symptoms as severe panic attack.. (funny cell quote)
______ My midget friend and I went out to dinner and he didn’t have enough to pay his half. I kept trying to make him say he was a little short but he just got mad (funny quote about midgets)
______ There's this one thing that I can do with my tongue, that drives women crazy.  I never stop TALKING. (Famous funny quote)
______Laughter is the best medicine but slaughter works faster (great funny quote)
______My favorite song is Giving The Dog A Bone by AC/DC. It is what I listen to when I bang your mom (yomama jokes)
______Wow this cash that someone put in the mail sure looks like mine. (funny quote about mails)
______I need a midget to help me add up these checks. Because they say "its the little things that count". (funny quotes about midget)
______Well just to let you know, I think women are hilarious. (This is how you get laid guys) (funny inspirational quote)
______I want to leave my mark on the world one bruise at a time. (funny moving quote)
______You know you are bored when you try to see a rainbow in your pee arc. (witty quote)
______I'm not gonna lie, I probably love my pillow more than most of the people I know.  (funny quotes about love)
______In case anyone was wondering...the vodka appears to be working fine this morning....which also means I am not. (funny quotes about vodka)
______I went to the used car lot today... and am now the proud owner of a huge inflatable giant f*cking gorilla! :) (funny quote about life)
______I love all you guys/gals equal.....but some of you definitely way more than others.......and some of you not at all..... (funny love quote)
______They probably call it 'making fun of people' because it actually really is a lot of fun.
______My hair is dirty ... My mind must be leaking. (dirty minded quotes)
______Feeling a little gasy today. Anyone wanna hang out? (funny hangout quotes)
_____My memory is so bad; that if you borrow my status, I will steal it from you, and ty for it ten minutes later.  (funny quote about bad memory)
______I've never seen a buffalo fly... but these wings are delicious! :)
______I'm not a team player.. everyone else can pretty much go f**k themselves. :) (sarcastic quote)
______When I'm in the shower, rinsing off my hair dye I sometimes act out scenes from a low budget slasher movie.... (funny shower quotes)
______My marriage is failing....... I'm a complete mess and I'm not even married ;-) (funny quotes about marriage)
______After all of these years of hardwork and dedication I am finally one of the guys!!!! .............. That f**ked your mom.  (yomama status)
______I always deliver profanity eloquently and using correct pronunciation, because I'm f**king sophisticated.  (funniest quote cheesy grammar)
______The posts those dont get any likes are like abandoned kids. They need some love.
______I only eat the shafts of my asparagus. 
______I don't get it. The police just came and said they had a report of domestic violins. That's just stupid....everybody knows I prefer brass instruments. (hilarious happening)
______You know you took a massive sh!t if you felt obligated to give it a name. (sarcastic quote)
______Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse...you came along. (funny quote about love)
______I call bullsh!t! When you love someone you love all of them, not just parts. F**k that.. I only love certain parts of some people.  (hilarious love quote)
______Every time I drink I get a headache. Every time my wife drinks I get head.Works for me
______If you've never written "Hammer Time" under the "STOP" on a stop sign, you probably haven't been arrested as often as me. 
funny global warming quote image
(great funny quote,funny status)
______Loving you is like getting into heaven. I probably could, but God knows I won't. (famous funny quote about love)
______i always wonder how it feels like to date someone super awesome.. Hmm.. I should totally ask this to my ex-es.. They know better about me ;) (Awesome funniest quote ever)
______I can't wait to go to work!! Seriously... If I wait any longer, I'll probably be late. (funny quote about work)
______I just tripped over a huge crack on the sidewalk. I didn’t know your mom was homeless (funny quote about your mom)
______I'd just like to take a moment & apologize for my hotness causing all this global warming. (Funny Facebook status idea)
______I carry a baseball bat around and tap stupid people on the forehead with it. It is my dislike button. (funniest status ever)
______I'd like to carry a gun, but I don't because I'm sure I'd use it. Like every day. (sarcastic status)
______This pool party sucks. I was standing next to Mr T and the water got really warm. When I asked him he said I peed the pool (funny quote about Mr T)
______I feel like my decisions lately haven't been "hit or miss", they've been more like "miss or miss terribly"
______I met a girl at the bar last night and I tried to give her my digits but her panties kept getting in the way (funniest quote status about stalking)
______If you're ever in my room, lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and you listen closely... you can hear me down the hall calling the cops to report an intruder. (funny inspiring status)
______Apparently, every cigarette you smoke takes eight minutes off your life. In a couple more weeks, I should be back in my dad's ball-sack.  (Awesome funny quote about smoking)
______Healthy is just the slowest rate at which you can die... (famous funny quote)
______I just got a second opinion... and I was right, your an a**hole. (the punchline)
______My strongest critics claim I've accomplished nothing in my life. Huh. I'd like to see them organise a 39-year-long drunken orgy. (funny quote about critics)
______As I get older I am having trouble with premature ejaculation and loose stools ... Easy come; easy go.  (hilarious facebook ideas)
______According to my news feed... you make going outside these days seem scary as f*ck! (the punchline quotes)
______My wife said, You’re really slow in bed...if ya know what I mean. Turns out she means Im a f*cking retard. (funny quotes about wife)
______The other day my girlfriend said she can do anything twice as well as me....so I donated one of my kidney (funny status about girlfriend)
______No, no I am not a doctor, but I play one on one of my facebook accounts. (funny quotes about doctor)
______If you weren't so damn selfish with the share button... we would find each other a lot faster. (the best funny pickup line)
______I lost my job because of this bad memory...actually I'm still employed...I just can't remember where. (funny quote about bad memory)
______Aww....a cute nurse said I have a beautiful smile.....making wedding plans as I post this status  (funny cutest status ever)
______I guess the easiest way to sympathize with an arson victim is NOT to ask them to burn you a CD. (funny quotes about arson victim)

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