38 Funny Quotes

funny awkward moment picture
_____I am just a guy standing in front of a girl and asking her to 'Move b***h get out the way'
_____What you people won't do for a "Like" around here . . . If ya all don't like this status you can all kiss my a**!! (funny like)
_____I haven't won any big event today yet the world keeps dumping a giant cooler full of icy haterade down my back... (funny event)
_____I love women and I'm totally against disrespecting them. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends. Go on.. Ask those b***hes!! (funny ex quote)
_____Not everything I post on this page is a joke..some things are serious...for instance...when I say your mom is a whore!! (funny whore quote status)
_____Its getting a bit late....I'm thinking it's about time you close your windows so I can go to my bed!! (funny stalker)
_____If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... Then it must be a duck. Same proverb works for sluts too...
_____I know I have been on Facebook for way to long now, I just received an e-mail and instead of looking for the "Reply" button, I found myself looking for a "Like" button. :-/  (funny Facebooking)
_____Yesterday I told a friend to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then hugged her children. (funny mistakes)
_____she says "We just need to be friends", so I said, "What good is a friend if there is no benefits?" (friends with benefits)
_____That awkward moment when I tell you to f**k off when you are telling me one of your awkward moments joke! (funny awkward moment quote status)
_____I hate discrimination. That's why I hate everyone equally. (funny discrimination quote)
_____I ought to stab each one of you for not wishing me Happy Birthday today!!! But I won't, since it isn't my birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____Me: hey beautiful do you have a boyfriend           She: no I don't         Me: I don't either we have so much in common, maybe we should hook up!!
_____My ex called me “selfish” this morning….which brought me to the realization….that he was NOT EVEN considering how that might make me feel
_____if you can't write totally and have to shorten it to "totes" you are just giving me one more reason to put my foot up your a**. All the way up your a**, because I don't abbreviate. (funny abbreviation quote)
_____see.. i'm not just a funny sexy intelligent interesting and overall awesome guy.. I'm also modest.... wait what were we talking about (funny modesty quote status)
_____It's not that you always piss me off but sometimes I just wish I could shove an umbrella up your a** and then open it! (funny piss off quote)
_____My therapist told me he has never met anyone like me before. I am still trying to figure out if this is a compliment or an insult. (funny therapist quote)
_____Well I started talking to this girl more than 10 minutes ago and she hasn't slapped me or freaked out.....I hope she's OK with the names I picked out for our kids (funny stalker quote)
_____They say the best thing to do to a woman is to make her laugh,i'd feel better if she laughed after i actually spoke. (funny laugh out quote)
_____I have some friends who don't have a Facebook profile. We have nothing to talk about.
_____I hate when I like your status, then I copy and paste it into Google and find out that you copied and pasted it from Twitter. Then I have to go back and unlike your status cuz you're a idiot.
_____This coffee is not doing its job today. Maybe I should have used Red Bull instead of water. (funny red bull quote)
_____I don't know if it's the shock treatments, intensive psychotherapy or antidepressants but I had an awesome day today!! (funny awesome day)
_____I put all my eggs in one basket because I need the other hand for high fiving. (funny high five quote status)
_____When I find myself liking 10 statuses in a row I stop and think..are these statuses really that funny or is this just one of those moments when I have a low tolerance for humor (humor quote status)
_____you know when you walk into a room and you forget why you went in there?? ok I just forgot where I was going with this joke
_____I'm helping my boy with his algebra homework... this sh*t is difficult... I fell asleep twice... I'm about to just say f**k it! (funny algebra quote)
_____If there is one thing I'm good at it's not being able to discover my talents
_____Life is too short, money is too short, lunch breaks are too short, good tv shows are too short, good conversations are too short, good books are too short, I'm too short, good t...... Hey, all good things are too short!
_____the sun is shining, the weather is sweet, makes me want to kick your a**, with my bare feet
_____I really hope no one thinks my jokes are offensive. Its bad enough no one thinks they're funny
_____So that lady in the elevator feels comfortable enough to tell me I smell like smoke…and yet…she acts TOTALLY offended when I asked if her perfume was called “Obesity”
_____I keep hearing a little voice that says get off FB and get to work.I try to ignore it but then my boss just says it louder
_____If you're thinking I've lost interest in what you have to say, I can assure you I was never interested at all. (funny offensive quote status)
_____"You look incredibly meretricious today" is how I like to compliment ladies who don't have a dictionary handy.
_____my computer can beat me at chess but he was no match for me in original statuses
_____I decided to sit down and make a list of all the things I like about you: 1. nothing

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