28 Funny Quotes

funniest quotes ever

_____If I wanna describe myself using 3 words I would say:
Smart, clever, intelligent, genius  (Awesome funny quote)
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 Just because I say 'It's nice to see you again', it doesn't mean that it's nice to see you again (witty quote and status)
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 I know the world won't end in 2012, because my credit card doesn't expire until 2015. And we know that the Banks control the world! (funny bank quote, world's end quote)
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 When I meet someone new I like to shake their hand with increasing speed and intensity while whispering "Oh God. Don't stop" because people need to learn not to talk to me. (Hilarious quote and status)
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 I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that dude (funny women quote)
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 Till yesterday I use to hated people with bad grammar and speling mistek...But then today I found out something about myself. (funny grammar quote)
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 ‎"It's a long story" ~ people who don't want to talk about whatever you just asked about. (its a long story quote)
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 I think its wrong when people get punished for things they didint do, u know like
"Homework"   (funny homework quote)
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 I think I'm lactose intolerant... I just had 6 milkshakes and my stomach is killing me. (best funny quote, status and joke)
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 Never put the key to your heart in someone else's pocket... And never put your hand oin someone else's pocket either, unless you have permission. Apparently that is a form of harassment.. (funny quote and status)
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 My computer wont take my password, it keeps sending me a message "caps off". I removed my cap from my head and tried again, still nothing (funny caps lock quote)
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 Studying hard to become an erectional officer. (funny erection quote)
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 It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness, except that I can't find a bastard candle because it's too fucking dark. (funny candle quote)
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 Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet. I sit at my window drinking hot chocolate and wonder what those daft fuckers are doing out there. (funny rain quote)
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 I've been calling my girlfriend "babe" for five years because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name. (funny girlfriend quote)
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 Is it wrong to go to sleep and dream of beating someone up, then wake up smiling about it? (funny dream quote)
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 I'm so broke and sad I don't have any cents of humor (funny humor quote)
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 If you can't say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do. (funny people quote)
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 I SAVED EVERYONES LIFE and all those ungrateful bastards want to focus on is that I started the fire (funny fire quote and joke)
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 I can't recall the last time a guy made me smile uncontrollably , maybe it was when my ex was squirming on the ground after i kicked him in the balls.
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 Today is already turning into one of those Mondays where liking your own status is about as much acknowledgement as you're going to get. (funny Monday quote)
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 I don't understand why you guys make fake profiles. I mean look at me! (funny profile quote)
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 It's cute when you wink at me, but next time, could you use one of your eyes? (funny wink quote)
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 Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?" So ungrateful.
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 My husband says I talk while I sleep. But I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it. (funny work sleep quote)
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 I don't care about awards and all that crap, I just hope my obituary mentions something about my Facebook statuses (funny Facebook quote)
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 My answering machine message: "Hi, I'm not at home. Please leave a message after the FUCK YOU... Sorry about that! Beep doesnt work." (funny answering machine quote)
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 Still not exactly sure why facebook wants me to know about the people I might know but hey I'll go along with it. (funny Facebook quote)