29 Funny Quotes

champion quote puzzle quote

_____An ant just ran under my keyboard. I have it under Ctrl (funny ant quote, short funny joke)
_____I don't like people. I go on Facebook because I don't consider anybody on here people, per se, I just prefer the company of statuses and question marks??? (funny Facebook quote status)
_____I can pretty much guarantee that if you want something done right and you ask me to do it, you will never make that mistake again. (best funny quote)
_____Look, I'm in a hurry so let's talk while we're walking........ You go that way and I'll go this way. (hilarious quote status joke)
_____I know you're drunk because your posture ain't that good when you're sober  (witty drunk quote status joke)
_____I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up (funny foot sleep status)
_____Man what a crazy day, I think I am going to hit the restroom and take a power nap  (funny nap quote and status)
_____I would like everyone to take a moment, just a single moment out of your busy day, to think about how lucky you are to know ME!
Your Welcome!  (awesome funny quote)
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 Well, since you said "no offense, but" at the beginning of your insults about my mom, everything is fine (No offense quote)
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 Not to brag, but I can make it look as if I'm actually listening to someone for up to 10 minutes.
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 Every time I see that you like my post, I can't help but think the dirtiest thoughts about that statement
_____I've discovered that the best way to conquer many jobs around the house is to simply say "f**k it" and fall asleep on the couch instead (funny couch quote and status)
_____I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to hang up on you cause you're talking to much
_____This status is copyrighted and may not be reused, rewritten or disseminated in whole or part without the express written consent of Statusfield.blogspot.com © 2012, Statusfield Enterprises, Inc.
_____I'll try anything once. If it kills me I'll never do it again.
_____The thing I don't get about 'no' is the part where I don't get what I want (witty puzzle quote)
_____I'm not saying she's slut, I'm saying she does not sleep in her own bed often (funny slut quote)
_____I think I just broke my retinas reading your status (funny retina quote)
_____Sometimes i like your posts because you are do-able, not because they are likeable (funny doable quote joke)
_____A friend of mine just lost her husband and asked me, "What will I do without him?"
Apparently masturbate was not the answer she wanted to hear (hilarious joke)
_____Mock me for my lame jokes one more time and I'll knock-knock you to the ground
_____"giving up is not an option. Its the plan!" - organized failure (funny give up quote)
_____I broke wind in a business meeting this morning, I was so embarrassed. It didn't smell at all and only the person sitting next to me heard it (funny fart status joke)
_____Scary movies aren't scary at all. Then you go home, get in bed, and hear that first unidentified noise
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Is it just me or does this status taste funny?
_____If unintentionally making women angry was a competitive sport I would be the undisputed champion (funny champion quote)
_____Sometimes it feels like the world is trying to pull me down. Then I realize I'm not wearing underwear, and it's just gravity
_____My brain is like a well oiled machine.. it may not function properly, but well oiled nonetheless. :) (funny brain quote)
_____Just got back from MySpace...I had fun with the other 6 people who were logged in (funny myspace quote)
_____Ugh. I'm in a relationship with a timeline person.... (funny timeline quote)

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