29 Funny Quotes

champion quote puzzle quote

_____An ant just ran under my keyboard. I have it under Ctrl (funny ant quote, short funny joke)
_____I don't like people. I go on Facebook because I don't consider anybody on here people, per se, I just prefer the company of statuses and question marks??? (funny Facebook quote status)
_____I can pretty much guarantee that if you want something done right and you ask me to do it, you will never make that mistake again. (best funny quote)
_____Look, I'm in a hurry so let's talk while we're walking........ You go that way and I'll go this way. (hilarious quote status joke)
_____I know you're drunk because your posture ain't that good when you're sober  (witty drunk quote status joke)
_____I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up (funny foot sleep status)
_____Man what a crazy day, I think I am going to hit the restroom and take a power nap  (funny nap quote and status)
_____I would like everyone to take a moment, just a single moment out of your busy day, to think about how lucky you are to know ME!
Your Welcome!  (awesome funny quote)
 Well, since you said "no offense, but" at the beginning of your insults about my mom, everything is fine (No offense quote)
 Not to brag, but I can make it look as if I'm actually listening to someone for up to 10 minutes.
 Every time I see that you like my post, I can't help but think the dirtiest thoughts about that statement
_____I've discovered that the best way to conquer many jobs around the house is to simply say "f**k it" and fall asleep on the couch instead (funny couch quote and status)
_____I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to hang up on you cause you're talking to much
_____This status is copyrighted and may not be reused, rewritten or disseminated in whole or part without the express written consent of Statusfield.blogspot.com © 2012, Statusfield Enterprises, Inc.
_____I'll try anything once. If it kills me I'll never do it again.
_____The thing I don't get about 'no' is the part where I don't get what I want (witty puzzle quote)
_____I'm not saying she's slut, I'm saying she does not sleep in her own bed often (funny slut quote)
_____I think I just broke my retinas reading your status (funny retina quote)
_____Sometimes i like your posts because you are do-able, not because they are likeable (funny doable quote joke)
_____A friend of mine just lost her husband and asked me, "What will I do without him?"
Apparently masturbate was not the answer she wanted to hear (hilarious joke)
_____Mock me for my lame jokes one more time and I'll knock-knock you to the ground
_____"giving up is not an option. Its the plan!" - organized failure (funny give up quote)
_____I broke wind in a business meeting this morning, I was so embarrassed. It didn't smell at all and only the person sitting next to me heard it (funny fart status joke)
_____Scary movies aren't scary at all. Then you go home, get in bed, and hear that first unidentified noise
Is it just me or does this status taste funny?
_____If unintentionally making women angry was a competitive sport I would be the undisputed champion (funny champion quote)
_____Sometimes it feels like the world is trying to pull me down. Then I realize I'm not wearing underwear, and it's just gravity
_____My brain is like a well oiled machine.. it may not function properly, but well oiled nonetheless. :) (funny brain quote)
_____Just got back from MySpace...I had fun with the other 6 people who were logged in (funny myspace quote)
_____Ugh. I'm in a relationship with a timeline person.... (funny timeline quote)

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