55 Funny Quotes

_____My wife says she's leaving me because I'm too obsessed with no punchline jokes (the punchline)

_____Funny how that girl had a sign that said Will work for food but she didnt want to give me a job (humor quote)

_____Since learning that an injury is forgotten much sooner than an insult, I always make sure to compliment people before I rip their spleens out. (insult quotes)

_____I can never spell 'basterd' correctly. I think I'm illiteregitimate. (bastard quote)

_____ Dear important website I always visit, please shove that premium membership button up you’re a** (website quote)

_____ Women hate football because those guys get pounded when they have THEIR pads on (funny football quotes)

_____ Friend: Dude you were so stoned last night Me: Ah! That explains all the bruises on my face  (cute quote status)

_____Ladies, if you can't beat them, go to the gym. (lady Quotes)

_____My wife told me to stop playing with myself, but with a schlong like mine, it's more work than play. (wife quotes)

_____Lady, if you really meant it, your 'I'm sorry' would be as loud as your sneeze. (lady quotes)

_____I have something in my pants that drives women crazy. Too bad its a Rubiks Cube (rubiks cube quote)

_____Don't just have a good day.. be the one that makes the good day. That.. and weed. :) (funny weed quote)

_____I got a job advertising clothing made of chocolate and caramel. I always wanted to be a Rolo model

_____When I see how bad some men are at hiding the fact that they are checking out some hot young thing walking by, it makes me wonder if I am a lot more obvious than I think I am. (hot quotes)

_____If you dont want people to talk down to you all the time maybe you should spend less time on your knees (cute hilarious quote status)

_____How can you say I am concieted when clearly I am just STANDING here being awesome? (Awesome quote)

_____I am so glad you never put your money where your mouth is because I would get paper cuts on my ****  (funny money quote)

_____My wife asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of hearing it so I told her to put a sock in it (humorous quote status, short joke)

_____When a guy asks what you do for a living he’ll probably walk away when you answer, "Your mom." But the look on his face is totally worth it. (jokes about yo momma)

_____Best advice when you're angry is to calm down, take a deep breath and walk away...far enough to safely detonate the explosives. (advice quotes)

_____Now how can I say this and still be discreet? Your face is so scary it made my bowels release (funny face quotes)

_____"I'm in rare form today!!!" - Steak....I'm sorry that you have to read that.....

_____‎I was trying to figure out how this girl could have so many friends on FB then I realized its because she eats more nuts than a squirrel (funny quote about Facebook)

_____I don't mind writing on my friends' Facebook walls for their birthdays; it's the least I can do. Literally... The least I can do. (funny birthday quotes)

_____When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c**t guess what her tip is? (great funny quote status)

_____You know if I had a penny for every time I have hit my ex-girlfriend. I could buy a hockey stick and hit that b!t*h real harder. (quotes on ex girlfriend)

_____I bought myself a wonderful picture today..............it was really a mirror but when I'm standing in front of it...there is such a lovely view (happy quote)

_____My new secretary really sucks. It's her only good quality. (secretary quotes)

_____I hate when I am trying to eat something and it farts (fart quotes)

_____Whenever I make my own sandwich I leave myself a tip. Like - GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT NEXT TIME! (funny sandwich quote)

_____Whenever I find a pubic hair in a library book I think “Oh, I've already read this one.”

 funny picture quote

_____They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks but your mom sure learned a lot last night

_____I've saved a lot of time by faking headaches instead of orgasms.

_____It's probably for the best that I don't design airports. First thing I'd do would be replace all the moving sidewalks with slip n' slides.

_____I hate it when women just walk straight past me and waste a perfectly good erection. (famous funny quote)

_____I'm sorry, but until people figure out how to hibernate, I'm going to have to declare that bears are smarter.

_____Love may begin with butterflies in my stomach, but I'm always hoping it ends with my semen in yours (funny love quote)

_____In an effort to improve productivity. Send all emails to the trash bin.

_____Women are like smiles. If you see one on my face there's a good chance that I am happy (funny woman quotes)

_____I was writing some poetry when I realize that Barack Obama rhymes with I banged your mama (funny Obama quote)

_____If you are reading this it is because I only block people who are funnier than me

_____When a woman says her CREATIVE juices are flowing, does that mean she is on her period?

_____I don't like eating my greens. I prefer smoking them

_____asking me to stop being a smart a** is like asking you to start being smart...just not happening. (smart quotes)

_____Saving my sarcasm and just punching people in the throat...not alot though. ... just a lil. (sarcastic quotes)

_____So I blocked my toilet...and now I really regret that why the fugg I added it on my messenger list in the first place.

_____I have friends who don't want kids. But they already have them.

_____Shaking your children is wrong. Here, shake mine instead.

_____Tell me how much you hurt so I can have something to smile about later.

_____Facebook shares are falling on the stockmarket because shareholders found out that on the website: shares, likes, and pokes are free.  (funny Facebook stock quote)

_____I just learned the hard way that Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix...

_____Just want to give a big shout out to all the people giving shout outs to other people.

_____Why does Facebook think I care what music my friends are listening to on Spotify (funny Facebook status)

_____Based on my recent activity I think pushing people away is my favorite form of cardio (cardiac quote)

_____my wife asked for a smart phone like blackberry or iphone so I gave her a black-i (iPhone quote)

_____My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

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_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her. (funny wife quote status)

_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :) (hilarious good morning status)

_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?

_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.

_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.

_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.

_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (irony quote)

_____Today I set my clock back 5 minutes slow......I felt so powerful.......u know......"Turning back the hands of time" (funny time quote status)

_____Could this day possibly get any worse........for these people around me.........I really need ideas how to make them miserable

_____I like to be polite by giving your crotch a handshake before we get acquainted.

_____Almost all of my jokes are dirty. So what. So is your mom (yoo mama quote status)

_____Some people on here write so eloquently that I can't help but step back and say "Shiiiiit."

_____ I guess I'll have to be the one who says what everyone is secretly thinking - You're a twat.

_____I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the bratz next door left in my yard.

_____I don't believe in wearing real animal fur. Its such a waste. You should wear the whole carcass

_____i really wish my ex-boyfriend doesn't come to know the lies i've told.. Especially the ones that involved burning down his house.. ; )

_____i am going to be available on skype, coz i have got my nails done and i want to show off.. :-p

_____I never had imaginary friends........ I was the imaginary friend....

_____I put the "f" in safety.. seriously, f**k that shit! :)

_____If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...I'd have... Oh fugg it... I will count it later.

_____My sick friend was praying for a cure. I can't do that so I gave him a Keurig.

_____my girl said...."your obsession with cats is totally driving me crazy, so just get out from here ."....and I was all " dont kick meeeeeowt "

_____I won't "like" a picture of your kids unless they are crying

_____I worked so hard last month so I can be able to pay the hip replacement surgery for my grandma.. as they say you break it you buy it

______what's good about hockey is that when you take a punch and fall you'll have ice on it right away

______My collection of other peoples lighters... is now available on eBay. (funny eBay quote status)

______Hey people, who wished me 'happy birthday' in small letters...get a life........also thank you. (funny birthday quote)

______I am desperately waiting to head towards the Church.. 2 minutes away is the new Bar which offers Happy Hours during lunch break !! :-D

______I requested December 21st and 22nd off of work... They said you'll have to work Xmas.... Hahaha they'll be working the last weekend on earth...

______Now that I'm getting older, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. (funny vodka joke)

______Why the hell do they only 'break the mold' on good people, yet the stupid people mold is used over and over?

______The look in your eyes tell me that you are going to love living in my basement so much!

______This is the time of night where you're pretty much alone and you can take advantage of it and babble all you want.

______Animals can be homosexual. I just saw a goat with the same hairstyle as Ryan Seacrest

______So, Barack Obama is in favor of letting guys fuck other guys. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny Barack Obama gay marriage quote status joke)

______I always like to give people a choice................the choice to do whatever the f**k I say that is!!

_____The narcissism levels of a person are directly proportional to the amount of time they spend on their own Facebook page, admiring their own posts.

_____It's really not a joke....I'd really love it, if you would just take that "POKE" I sent you seriously!

_____I know they mean well but the next person that tells me "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is going to see how strong I am....when I punch them in the throat

______Watching Avengers, I turned all green. Wondering when will these muscles grow. (funny avenger quote status)

______I am not a bad person. That's why when I am done with finishing your voodoo doll, I am just gonna tickle it hard.

_____Don't you hate it when you lean into kiss someone REALLY SEXY, and you hit your head on the mirror. Dammit man.

_____My face will be the last thing you see......when I turn off the lights and kiss you goodnight. (funny goodnight quote)

______Computer technology used to be a hard...when I was growing up, mice had balls!

______Despite what people may tell you it's the fat that makes you look fat not the dress.

______I got a tickle me Emo doll. It slits on wrists when you tickle it.

_____Vacation for me is putting an umbrella in my beer bottle.

_____Everyone has homicidal thoughts about the person bragging about going on vacation right?

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41 Funny Quotes

_____I'm very good at graphic design and calligraphy, and I have certificates in biochemistry, biology, quantum physics, math and rocket science to prove it.
_____They say: "the freaks come out at night". This is why I stay indoors until it's dark. I don't want to screw up the eco-system. (freaking quote)
_____Please let me know if and how, I offended you in any of my postings. It makes it a lot easier to target those weaknesses for up-coming posts
_____It's stupid how some people break into a song out of nowhere, I swear sometimes it's like I waited my whole life for this one night, Its gonna be me you and the dancefloor.
_____If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, then give me a call. I'll reaffirm that for ya
_____Sometimes I feel guilty if there is a comment on a status that has no likes while the rest of the comments have several. So...if I like your comment and nobody else does...it's more than likely a 'sympathy like'.
_____I hate to say I told you so, because I have a lisp and it sounds stupid.
_____You know, when I'll have children I'm gonna force them to watch the movie 2012 and tell them I fuggin survived this whole movie !! (funny 2012 movie quote status)
_____That awkward moment when you post inspirational thoughts on Facebook… and your comments are filled with: “That’s deep!”, “Who hacked into your account?”, “I don’t get it.”, “Did the aliens get you?”, “Drink another one!”, “Where’s the punch line?” etc… (awkward moment joke)
_____My boss suggested me to start the presentation with something funny and practical.... So I attached my salary slip on the very first slide.
_____It takes *time to understand women.  *FOREVER
_____If I write your name on my notebook, that means I like you. If I write it in blood, that means I love you to death. (funny love quote)
_____Keep your friends close, and your enemies oh, hey! I didn't even see you there! How are things? Good, good.
_____Why is it whenever someone in here calls someone stupid, I assume they are talking about YOU? (funny offensive quote)
_____I don't mean to brag, but I was just surfing the net, and I found out that there are several single women in my area dying to meet me.
_____I got on my jogging suit, tennis shoes, headband, pedometer, and bottle of water, I'm ready...to get on the computer and do some facebooking...ooooh, what a workout.
_____I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!t*h." Close enough.
_____I just found out it takes exactly 14 frozen potatoes thrown from 200 feet to completely destroy my neighbor's shed.
_____The iPhone 5 is like constipation. Stop waiting for it. It ain't gonna happen. (funny iPhone quote status)
_____Why do women live a longer, better and peaceful life? Cuz women don't have a f**king wife!
_____Today I met eyes with a beautiful lady. She looked at me, it felt like love & time stood still for a second. But then she closed her blinds.
_____If you get a friend request from me its because I like funny people. If you dont get one its because I like funny people
_____My wife constantly complains and whines about me not giving her enough time. Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
_____Yesterday was my best friend's best day. So I asked him to be patient till i log on facebook so i can wish him a Happy Birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
_____Sometimes I like your Post to give you a hug ;)
_____If at first you don't succeed, I'd suggest you hurl yourself into traffic. I saw your first attempt and dude, you suck.
_____I'm a fair weather friend. Don't ask me to do shit unless it's nice out. :)
_____Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn!
_____You can actually fall in love with your own Wife/Girlfriend if some other man describes her to you.
_____Why do girls pluck their eyebrows first... and then draw them with eyebrow pencil & liners and stuff.
_____Me: Nice monkey. Woman at store: That's my baby! Me: Oh. <walks away>
_____I'm going out shopping today... to try and find a new Facebook outfit.
_____i woke up all peace and calm today, googled my symptoms and realized i might be dead.. :-/
_____The only time I make someone hot and bothered is when I'm burning their house to the ground. (funny offensive quote)
_____To the people who don't like me.. suck it. To the people that do like me.. same thing. :)
_____The weather man said tomorrow is gona b twice as cold as it is today....but its now 0˚ so how cold will it be? (funny weather quote status)
_____Know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy ---------->
_____Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
_____Sometimes I like to just stop everything I'm doing and reflect on the life I have lived...but I'm always interrupted by the people in the back of the bus telling me to watch where I'm f**king driving
_____I'm so paranoid half of the time I'm worried about what's gonna happen the other half of the time (funny paranoid quote status)
_____I was going take a photo of myself in front of my bathroom mirror, but then I remembered, I'm not a douchebag

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38 Funny Quotes

_____I am just a guy standing in front of a girl and asking her to 'Move b***h get out the way'
_____What you people won't do for a "Like" around here . . . If ya all don't like this status you can all kiss my a**!! (funny like)
_____I haven't won any big event today yet the world keeps dumping a giant cooler full of icy haterade down my back... (funny event)
_____I love women and I'm totally against disrespecting them. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends. Go on.. Ask those b***hes!! (funny ex quote)
_____Not everything I post on this page is a joke..some things are serious...for instance...when I say your mom is a whore!! (funny whore quote status)
_____Its getting a bit late....I'm thinking it's about time you close your windows so I can go to my bed!! (funny stalker)
_____If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... Then it must be a duck. Same proverb works for sluts too...
_____I know I have been on Facebook for way to long now, I just received an e-mail and instead of looking for the "Reply" button, I found myself looking for a "Like" button. :-/  (funny Facebooking)
_____Yesterday I told a friend to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then hugged her children. (funny mistakes)
_____she says "We just need to be friends", so I said, "What good is a friend if there is no benefits?" (friends with benefits)
_____That awkward moment when I tell you to f**k off when you are telling me one of your awkward moments joke! (funny awkward moment quote status)
_____I hate discrimination. That's why I hate everyone equally. (funny discrimination quote)
_____I ought to stab each one of you for not wishing me Happy Birthday today!!! But I won't, since it isn't my birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____Me: hey beautiful do you have a boyfriend           She: no I don't         Me: I don't either we have so much in common, maybe we should hook up!!
_____My ex called me “selfish” this morning….which brought me to the realization….that he was NOT EVEN considering how that might make me feel
_____if you can't write totally and have to shorten it to "totes" you are just giving me one more reason to put my foot up your a**. All the way up your a**, because I don't abbreviate. (funny abbreviation quote)
_____see.. i'm not just a funny sexy intelligent interesting and overall awesome guy.. I'm also modest.... wait what were we talking about (funny modesty quote status)
_____It's not that you always piss me off but sometimes I just wish I could shove an umbrella up your a** and then open it! (funny piss off quote)
_____My therapist told me he has never met anyone like me before. I am still trying to figure out if this is a compliment or an insult. (funny therapist quote)
_____Well I started talking to this girl more than 10 minutes ago and she hasn't slapped me or freaked out.....I hope she's OK with the names I picked out for our kids (funny stalker quote)
_____They say the best thing to do to a woman is to make her laugh,i'd feel better if she laughed after i actually spoke. (funny laugh out quote)
_____I have some friends who don't have a Facebook profile. We have nothing to talk about.
_____I hate when I like your status, then I copy and paste it into Google and find out that you copied and pasted it from Twitter. Then I have to go back and unlike your status cuz you're a idiot.
_____This coffee is not doing its job today. Maybe I should have used Red Bull instead of water. (funny red bull quote)
_____I don't know if it's the shock treatments, intensive psychotherapy or antidepressants but I had an awesome day today!! (funny awesome day)
_____I put all my eggs in one basket because I need the other hand for high fiving. (funny high five quote status)
_____When I find myself liking 10 statuses in a row I stop and think..are these statuses really that funny or is this just one of those moments when I have a low tolerance for humor (humor quote status)
_____you know when you walk into a room and you forget why you went in there?? ok I just forgot where I was going with this joke
_____I'm helping my boy with his algebra homework... this sh*t is difficult... I fell asleep twice... I'm about to just say f**k it! (funny algebra quote)
_____If there is one thing I'm good at it's not being able to discover my talents
_____Life is too short, money is too short, lunch breaks are too short, good tv shows are too short, good conversations are too short, good books are too short, I'm too short, good t...... Hey, all good things are too short!
_____the sun is shining, the weather is sweet, makes me want to kick your a**, with my bare feet
_____I really hope no one thinks my jokes are offensive. Its bad enough no one thinks they're funny
_____So that lady in the elevator feels comfortable enough to tell me I smell like smoke…and yet…she acts TOTALLY offended when I asked if her perfume was called “Obesity”
_____I keep hearing a little voice that says get off FB and get to work.I try to ignore it but then my boss just says it louder
_____If you're thinking I've lost interest in what you have to say, I can assure you I was never interested at all. (funny offensive quote status)
_____"You look incredibly meretricious today" is how I like to compliment ladies who don't have a dictionary handy.
_____my computer can beat me at chess but he was no match for me in original statuses
_____I decided to sit down and make a list of all the things I like about you: 1. nothing

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