69 Funny Quotes

_______So I think tap water should be 20% alcohol because the world would be a happier place.......my world anyway (funny world quote)
_______Its funny how you dont see the awesomeness of your awesomeness until your drinking, an then your less than awesomeness seems awesome (funny awesomeness quotes)
_______This bag of air is just over powering the flavor of these chips. (funny Lays Chips quote)
_______Just met an Eskimo on the street.....he was an ice guy... (Eskimo quote)
_______Well it is about time for me to get off. If you need me I will be in the restroom looking at your slutty pictures (funny sarcastic quote)
_______If you've ever met me, you probably weren't impressed (funny impressive quote)
_______I don't like to brag but I have been called an a**hole on more than a few occasions. (funny bragging quote)
_______I hate to sound like a douche....so I dont do impressions of you (sarcastic quote)
_______MTV has a new reality show where they give hookers a make over. It is called Ho' Improvement. (funny MTV quote)
_______When I'm brushing my teeth alongside someone else, I do it four times longer than usual..
_______this guy just received a message in a bottle... I smashed it over his head and the message was stop looking at my girl (funny messages)
_______If I ever post something that I have already posted before, it's because I have a disorder called "Notgivingafu*k."
_______My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping. (funny girlfriend status)
_______I have a lot to offer a woman...pretty much it consists of issues and regrets, but I have a lot of them to offer (funny issue quote)
_______I am gonna go to the auto parts store and yell at the clerk until he starts throwing things. Maybe then I will catch a brake (funniest status updates)
_______I told my wife I'd like to try new things in bed. .......So she taught me how to change the sheets. (funny wife bed quotes)
_______I'm beginning to wonder if time really is a healer....It's been 3 days since my husband fell down the stairs and he still hasn't moved yet (funny time quote)
_______Your Mom is a force of nature. Okay she's like the wind...she blows for free all day (yo mama joke)
_______Is it just me or does today feel like one of those days to skip the glass and ice and drink straight from the bottle to anyone else too (funny drinking quote)
_______i may not be the greatest at doing everything...............but i m pretty sure i am the best at doing nothing!!!! (funny doing nothing quote)
_______Technically it's not the 'silent' treatment because she still sighs loudly every five minutes to let me know she's pissed (funny silent treatment quote)
_______Facebook isn't about sharing your life experiences... It's about sharing your over exaggerated life experiences! :) (funny Facebook quotes)
_______90% the time people think I'm being sarcastic.. I'm actually being quite mean and sincere! (funny sincere quote)
_______‎There's something about everyday that makes me not want to work (funny work quote)
Funny World Quote Impressive Quote Funny MTV Quote Funny Time Quote Funny Hope Quote Angry Birds Quote Funny Bathroom Quote Funny Baby Quotes Funny Quotes Funny Hard Work Quotes Funny Gay Quotes Funny Meme
_______I wish it was as easy to give up smoking as it is to give up hope. (funny hope quotes)
_______Dear Boss, First of all let me tell you that I'm not using any of my finger to type this..so you can guess what i mean.... (funniest boss quote ever)
_______The drunker I get, the better I am at expressing myself to strangers who don't give a damn (funny drunker quote)
_______I lost 30 pounds in two weeks by lying!
_______I guess cops don't find it funny when you throw Angry Bird teddy bears at them. (funny angry birds quote)
_______Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while. (funny bathroom quote)
_______If it wasn't for you all, I would probably be somewhere laying on a sidewalk drawing maps on my stomach just to pass the time away. (funny time passing quote)
_______Everybody was Kung Fu fighting because there was only one egg roll left at the China Buffet. (funny Kungfu Buffet quote)
_______I hate to break this to you guys but, I slept with your mom.... twice! Trust me buddies,I love YOU and I feel terrible about it. :( ~ me, to my two sons. (funny son status)
_______The producers from Hoarders called me... but I didn't know which phone was ringing? (funny Hoarders quote)
_______Just wanted to say thank you if you liked any of my post today.... And f**k you if you didn't ;)
_______I went to a biker bar, got my a** kicked... so I put my teeth in the basket, hopped on my sisters bicycle and rang the bell the whole way home. (funny biker bar quotes)
_______I like how you know everything except how to use a belt to hold your pants up, douchebag
_______Ladies ... don't mock your partner if they are having trouble getting a full erection ... it's harder than it looks. (funny mock quotes)
_______You know that sudden feeling you get that you're being watched? Well, don't worry. It's only me and my binoculars. (funny binocular quote)
_______Sometimes life gives you lemons but once in awhile it pours you a nice tall glass of ice cold lemonade :) (funny life quote)
_______Its not nice to tell someone they look tired. So I tell them they look like a festering pile of sh!t (funny sarcastic quote)
_______My co-worker just accused me of stealing his thesaurus, which is absolute absurdity, balderdash, balls, bilge, blather, bosh, bull, bullsh!t, bunk, bunkum, claptrap, cobblers, crap, drivel, eyewash, fatuity, foolishness, garbage, guff, hogwash, hokum, horsefeathers, idiocy, inanity, nonsense, rot and rubbish! (funny sarcastic synonyms)
_______I caught my 11 year old nephew with a bag of weed and he says he got it from a friend. I cant believe it...11 years old and getting weed from a friend. Doesn't he know I would have given him a family discount? (funny weed joke)
_______Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. There are plenty of other reasons (funny hate quote)
_______I really don't like possessive pronouns much, I mean they are such control freaks. (funny pronoun quote)
_______I don't get it, everyone told me I had to work really hard to get ahead in this world, but this axe seemed to make it pretty easy (funny hard work quotes)
_______People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis (funny stupid quote)
_______I must give my beers a great workout... cause every time I take them out of the fridge, they start sweating. (funny beer quote)
_______She looks so peaceful thru my camera lens from the tree across the street while she sleeps (funny stalker)
_______Online Dating is when you stalk somebody's facebook pictures while you eat dinner, right (funny dating quote)
_______I thought I would explore my feminine side this morning.............so while I was driving to work....I ran right into a tree!! (funny feminine quote)
_______I'd like to start out by NOT apologizing for my behavior last night (funny apologizing quote)
_______In Life, sometimes you just gotta put your face in your jar of weed.. Inhale and let that smell of dankness reassure you that everything will be okay! (funny life weed quote)
_______I could probably learn to like people if there weren't so many and if they weren't so stupid. (funny quote about stupid people)
_______When I vowed "till death do us part", I really didn't know it meant a death sentence.
_______Sometimes the best things in life AREN'T free, like divorce. (funny Divorce quote)
_______Remember when your mother told you that your face would freeze like that if you made faces. Last time I drank, I woke up next to a girl that didn't listen to her mother.
_______I'm tired of getting paid salary at work.. I mean really.. how much salary can one person eat. (funny salary quote)
_______I hate it when my wife lies in bed.................."I've had better" is a good example. (funny wife quote)
_______I was such a loser in high school even the losers voted me most likely to be a loser. (funny loser quote)
_______I hate when I tip the waitress too much and she loses her balance and drops my food on the floor (funny waitress quotes)
_______The first person that you think of in the morning is either the person that causes you happiness or causes you pain....if ur a gay guy its probably the same person! (funny Gay quotes)

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