70 funny Quotes

_______Whenever I see a lame status with no likes I want to give it a pity like but I cant...because it is usually one of mine (funny Facebook status)
_______I'm one of those people that can't hide their feelings,so when I'm upset about something people close to me usually know.Today was one of those days... When my friend asked me "Are you ok?'',while tilting her head slightly.I looked her in the eye and said ''Mind your own f**king business !!!!!"......... noisy b!tch ! (funniest quote status ever)
_______Whenever I feel like being in a horrible mood.. I crank up Brittany Spears on my way to work. By the time I get there, I'm ready to shove my foot up someone's a**. Works. Every Time. :) (funny bad mood quote)
_______I'm not very good at doing' push-ups.. I'm much better with push-downs. (famous funny quote)
_______My wife is like the sun.......................She makes my eyes hurt when i look at her (funny wife quote)
_______Isn't it annoying when you're having lunch with your in-laws and they don't exist because no one loves you enough to marry you (funniest love quote ever)
_______Got two pieces of bad news today.   First, my 22 year old next door neighbor is pregnant and secondly, my passport is out of date. (funny bad news quote)
_______Its funny how a picture can spark a memory. When I see yours I am reminded that I need to see a doctor to remove this boil from my a** (funny memories quote)
_______My wife wants to travel to third world countries and teach them how to get water out of a 'hole' in the ground.........I'm sure she means well. (funny third world countries quote)
_______73% of women buy clothes but never wear them. I'd like to meet those women (funny women quote)
_______There are times I flip a table over at a restaurant just to prove that I can......I tip well..... (funny tip quote)
_______Women aren't always right, but they are certainly never wrong. (funny women quote)
_______Friends tend to bend when you in need of their help... Split personalities... I'll be friends with myself.. (funny Friend quote)
Famous Funny Quotes Funny Bad News Quotes Funny Beer Quotes Funny Heart Quotes Funny Life Quotes Funny Love Quote Funny Tip Quotes Funny Work Quotes Short Jokes
_______At work I always get in trouble for two things  1...The things I've done 2....The things I'm not doing. (funny work quote)
_______Wow.. I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look. (funny stupid quote)
_______The quickest way to a woman's heart is through your own pocket. (funny heart quote)
_______Sometimes I wish all ten of my fingers were middle ones. (funny wish )
_______Don't worry if that beautiful girl you've had your eye on doesn't know that you exist......You're less likely to become a suspect if she ''disappears ''. (funny beautiful girl quote)
_______This prostitute's business is growing so fast now she's in retail and whoresale (funny business quote)
_______Okay, since you won't go away, at least "like" my posts.
_______the part where i start giving a f**k to your issues.. Well, i haven't reached that part of the conversation as yet.. :-p (funny issues quotes)
_______I reached my limit in appropriate life choices for the day when I got out of bed.. this afternoon. (funniest life quotes ever)
_______Just want to remind all the blond ladies about tomorrow. TGIF. When you are putting on your shoes Toes Go In First (funny blond quotes)
_______I was told by my Doctor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day....so does having panic attacks count (funny Doctor quotes)
_______She is not ugly........she is a beautiful piece of sh!t  ! 
_______My friend wants me to go clubbing but I don't want to get baby seal blood on my new shoes (funny clubbing quote)
_______When someone writes that they lost a loved one, with a very nice tribute to that person. I never know if I should click "like" or not. sooooo....I comment with, "is this good or bad?" please circle one. (funny loved one quote)
_______you know how babies suck their thumbs for comfort? When I'm out of beer I just carry the empty bottle everywhere. (funny beer quote)
_______Just saw my ex at a bar. Asked her if she wanted to come over and hook up just like old times. She said, "Over my dead body". I said, "Yep...just like old times". Not sure what she was drinking but it sure was sticky. (funny ex joke)
_______Zuckerberg got you to devote your life to facebook. Let's see what happens when Zuckerberg tells you to like my status.
_______I'm not really afraid of drowning. I'm just afraid of not having enough air to breathe. In the water. That's totally different. (funny drowning quote)
_______cast iron pans are the way to go. They cook the best, are the easiest to clean and also make a great weapon. (funny weapon quote)
_______Seriously, trust me.. i was kidding when i said.. i will NOT kill u... (kidding quotes)
_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do. (funny Facebook depression quote)
_______My psychiatrist was really pissed at me when I was complaining to him today about how I had problems hearing people but couldn't see them...he was astonished and said when does this happen.....I said over the phone (funny psychiatrist quote)
________I just found a fruit roll up in my pocket which means I left my blunt wrap at work on my desk. (funny work quotes)
________The wife's watching lifetime, the kids asleep and the dogs licking his nuts....all is right with the world (funny world quote)
________I entered a competition and won 2 buns and 6 soft rolls....then again, I always have been the Bread winner..
________I was just labeled as a case of mistaken obscenity (funny labels)
________If I were a poet and you were a llama you couldn't read this and know that it was stupid and doesn't rhyme..
________My coworker keeps playing all his annoying ringtones on his phone. I hope he likes the tone my ring makes when I punch him in the face (funny coworker quote)
________In honor of celebrating 420, I'm going to drink 420 ounces of beer. (funny 420 quotes)
________He said that she said that stuff that was said, so I said that she said the stuff that he said was enough said. There, I have said enough. (funny tongue twist quote)
________I like to sit in front of random people, preferably men, take out my big long banana, peel it, slowly, and then eat it, nice and slow, see that's the way to do it, nice and slow.
_______I'm going to ride this horse off this cliff until it turns into a pegasus... if it's the last thing I do!
_______Your mom is like my new carpet.... Just got laid by 3 guys  (yo mama joke)
_______I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying (funny sleep quote)
_______Being married is like the smell of a hot pizza pie when you are dieting... (funny marriage quote)
_______Does this knife I'm holding to my Jugular make me look married? (funny marriage quote)
_______I got a warning for using 911 improperly because at Micky D's I ordered a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those I got a little pissed. (funny 911 joke)
_______I am single now, however, I was living with a girl for about four months recently, until she found out I was there. (funny being single quote)
_______All I need is 24 hours of alone time per day & I am good to go! (funny time quote)
_______Everyone using ASAP... needs to calm the f*ck down!
_______No no, I'm sorry for thinking that ur mom acts like a whore............maybe its just a case where all the whores act like your mom!! (funny whore quote)
________I really don't know much about you, but I think we're in for a bad spell of weather.
________If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don't miss twice
________So I found a tumor on my ex's lung. If I would of let her live that would of been some bad news.
________This old lady dropped her bag outside the mall... My girl looked at me and said, "Come on, don't just stand there."...So I started doing star jumps. (short joke)
_______If my dog wakes me up by licking me one more time... I swear to God, I'm gonna buy another one!
_______Boys will be boys, and men will be... Well I don't really know much about mythological creatures. (funny men quote)
_______Do I miss being married? Sure, what could be better than being in a relationship with a female, bipolar version of Darth Vader (funny bipolar quote)
_______Teaching your kids to swim isn't hard .. You just throw them in the deep end either they learn to swim or you get your social life back
_______I just watched a Glade air freshener disintegrate right before my very eyes here in the bathroom....I think I just discovered my super power. (funny super power quote)
_______Tried to record the Justin Bieber special tonight. My TiVo suggested I might also want to punch myself in the throat. (funny quote about Justin Bieber)
_______In ten years, there will be kids walking around thinking Dre is only famous for headphones (funny Dre quote)
_______I'm currently dating a wealthy midget. She is Short on money. (funny midget quote)
_______So I went to the gym today.............and by gym I meant mcdondalds................and by today I mean everyday! (funny gym quote)

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