broke up with my girlfriend when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with
you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of
life hands you lem... *slips on a banana peel*
you dream about people, not because they are in your heart but because they are
on your hitlist
glad that after 20 years of marriage I can still make my wife smile and be happy,
mostly when I leave for work
neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on
the cat to put it on him.
it's a nice rainy day....I should wear white, do my hair, wash the car and
water the yard today.
like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i'm the one
that really funny status you posted yesterday ? Yeah, me either...
back.. I think I preferred you when I didn't know you...
get a great sense of achievement when you accomplish things....so I heard
is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks
and it hurts my nose..
hubby thinks I spend too much time on Facebook. Don't worry, you guys. My next
husband won't mind.
need your advice. I'm not insecure, am I?
know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear
"May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."
girlfriend is soooo awesome. Attractive, funny, good-natured, kind ... I know
my wife and her would get along fabulously if they met.
at my sexiest, when I'm standing next to someone really unattractive....
the time I'm done, if a picture of my liver doesn't end up in a medical college
textbook in the Cirrhosis chapter, then my time here will have been wasted.
many light bulbs does it take to change people? Especially the ones that need
to see the light.
protein bar doesn't taste like protein. I know what protein tastes like.
know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a
turn black and blue because the secretly practice boxing while we're sleeping
a lot of visits from the Stork your favorite bird becomes the Swallow.
secret to success? Embracing my failures, loving them and calling them success.
phones we have nowadays are pieces of shit. Try to use them for just a little
while and the batteries die. If you drop them the screens crack. F**k this, I'm
going back to using a brick as a phone.
_______I'm only poking you back out of politeness....
_______All my statuses are original, I'm just not the one who came with
_______I knew from the first time I saw her that she was my soulmate, but
my wife seemed to think otherwise.
________It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got
at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just
because everyone's laughing.
________Shifting your focus can change your perspective and open you to
new ideas. So can drugs