51 Funny Quotes

_____Some guys have "six-pack abs", but it takes a real man to carry around a 2-pack and keg.
_____The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again..... I should really consider canceling that newspaper subscription.... Rude little bastard.......
_____If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard, I'd buy a smartphone. (funny smartphone quote status)
_____Let me get this straight.----------------------------------- that's better.
_____if your hotness caused global warming.. I am the reasoning for The Big Bang..!!! (hot quote status)
_____i don't know why guys are so afraid to go into my basement!! :-/
_____Don't ask God to help you come up with a good status because he doesn't work that way. Just steal this one and ask for forgiveness.
_____Someone very close to me died today. But with all due respect, I told the idiot not to come close to me or I'd shoot! (funny idiot quote status)
_____Ladies ... If you are even moderately attractive, then all of your male friends, including the married ones, have thought about you while pleasuring themselves. Try not to let that freak you out next time you see them.
_____At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMMIT! PROVED! (autocorrect quotes)
_____Well, Hell yeah. If you take the alcohol, the laughter, and the coming home naked out of the story. I guess I was an a**hole last night. me to my wife. 
_____The secret of staying young is to never say things like "I remember when...", "When I was your age...." or "These kids nowadays..."
_____I don't think you understand!! We would get along perfectly..... if you would kindly just walk heart first into a sharp knife!!
_____What's the magnet limit before your refrigerator tips over?
_____Mother's Day is very hard on Bambi........
_____I've been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for a while........till her husband found out (funny Jenny Craig quotes)
_____I'm going to try and be totally classy this summer..... First step, not peeing in an overcrowded, public pool....... We'll try again next week......
_____I am throwing a party for people who love to have orgasms and I was wondering if you can come
_____Have you heard the latest about Alice in Chains? She has lost a lot of weight in my basement
_____My friend said she wanted to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat so I told her to chop off her head
_____Screw walking away from an explosion in slow motion...... I want to crush someone's c-spine with my foot while shaking violently and screaming ooooooooohwhaaaaaaa!
_____It is very hard to coach my 9 year old son's soccer team when all I can think about is how badly I want a motor boat the MILF in a tank top sitting next to the field.
funny yo mama joke image
_____The worst thing I have ever done for money was your mom (funny mom quotes)
_____You're taking that long walk into a room with confidence, head held high then you enter the room and that moment you wonder...What the f*&k did I come in here for?
_____I've been flirting with disaster... and now disaster won't stop stalking me. :( (funny disaster quotes)
______I just went out and bought a new cock ring  But my chickens still refuse to fight !!!
______I think there should be a filter to catch all Facebook re-posts and Twitter retweets... And once caught, it's two weeks probation back on MySpace!
______Sometimes you just have to LOL @ some people.
______Why is it that when I say I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow.. I do and I'm never good at work tomorrow
_____It wouldn't hurt you to at least like one of my posts tonight.
_____my neighbor called my dog an ankle biter, so i picked my dog up and let him bite her in the neck.....i hate stereotypes..
_____I saw a homeless person today, he was all bummed out.
_____when people say i'm the sh!t, i get so excited that sometimes i me myself
_____You can tell a lot about a woman by.............well........sneaking in and reading her diary!!
_____So tonight there I was sitting on the toilet seat......doing some deep thinking.........it really got me wondering....who really is the gossip girl?
______How to make $$$$: press shift-4 4 times
______I can tell by the way you did not like my posts today that your mom told you about me banging her last night (funny mom quotes)
_____The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid  profile picture next to it
_____We are having a formal party at work on Friday and the boss said to Dress to Impress so I am gonna take a Viagra and wear my birthday suit
_____If you have never worn parachute pants... then chances are you have never done a back spin on a piece of cardboard in the middle of the street either.
_____Just clogged the toilet at work. Looks like I can go home early.. my work here is done. :)
_____I watched my husband bite into an apple and swallow a worm. I would have warned him if I cared.
_____I never believed in the saying "Actions are louder than words". If you beat the heck out of someone, the scream will definitely be louder than the beating.
_____The difference between a motorcycle "club" member and a motorcycle "gang" member is about 500 cc's.
_____I respect that you told me your body is your temple.. That's why I removed my shoes before I came inside. (funny temple quotes)
_____You have got to be joking .. Gas is 4.39 a gallon and she still thinks I'm just coming over to "chill"
_____Sticks and stones may break my bones. So stop hitting me with them stupid
_____Have you tried the new seafood diet? I see you eating food and I slap the crap outta you.
_____My dream is to buy a cheap car and ram into every car and pedestrian I can find......
_____I headed to the local club and immediately started chatting to the 1st girl I saw and got right to the point. Hey beautiful, how do you like your eggs in the morning?   Unfertilized. she replied.
_____After a heated intervention, I decided to get help for my gambling problem. I called the number and said, Hit me. Im all in.
_____I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone... (funny cellphone status)

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