_____I don't like it when my wife calls me names..........she knows my name is --------..but for some reason 'names' is what she prefers to call me!!!!
_____ i really like my men as i like my pets... alive and begging to be released... :))
_____If you will give an elderly rabbit a viagra, he will die....didn't you hear that saying 'Old rabbit die hard' (funny viagra quotes)
_____I liked my dad's wife a lot more back when she was just my mom's best friend...
_____with all these comebacks i am coming up with.. my mood is getting better and better.. obviously yours is going bad to worst..
_____i go for 1/2 hour yoga session.. And sleep 3 hours after coming home.. Cuz you know my body needs resting (funny yoga quote)
_____I don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun
_____No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off
_____I wish I was still a baby sometimes cause my widdle fist would fit right into someone eye socket and plus I could get away with punching people.
_____My girlfriend says she wants to start seeing other people....................reasonable enough.....considering how long she's been locked up in my basement!!!!
_____i am not always correct......but when i am not..... o am still f**king right!!!!
_____When the f**k are they gonna figure out how to fax a beer.:/
_____I kill mosquitoes with my bare hands... So yeah, I'm gang ready.
_____I can honestly say, I have no desire to wear clothes around you.
_____I love how my car goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 minutes.
_____I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat (funny tyre quote)
_____Whenever I'm at work I like to stay on facebook all day just to see all of my friends who are wasting time (funny Facebook status)
_____I accidentally dropped my ink pen in the toilet today..darn thing writes like absolute crap now.
_____Hit a skateboarder with my truck, he was ok, then read his shirt "Skate or Die"... So I backed over him!
_____Use other people's stuff carefully, especially when they don't know that u're using it.
_____Facebook android app is slower then shit...takes 17 mins to see a lame ass photo of food that was posted 2 hrs ago. Epic fail. (funny android quote)
_____most times i find it is my sober activity that is highly inappropriate.
_____I just opened my credit card bill and everything around me died.
_____I hope this cop don't pistol whip me sober... I've worked to hard to get this drunk and steal his car.
_____Her Brown Eye has tunnel vision........ ;-)
_____I never got beat as a child. The hell is still in me.
_____It would be nice if once in a while Alex Trebek overrode the time clock and just read the final clue....
_____I don't understand these "Slow Children" signs.......If they're really slow, I'll see them coming with plenty of time to react!!!...
_____The girl I met at the bar must of been a magician because when she texted me that she was pregnant I disappeared (funny magician quote)
_____I leave all the tough decisions in life up to my magic 8 ball and the answer is always Stop doing so much cocaine
_____It's raining/snowing/sun shining.......I can't wait to update my status and alert all my friends who don't have any windows! (funny status)
_____I wake up people in the wee hours of the morning so I can flip them the early bird.
_____My feet are killing me from wearing these stripper heels all day . And I'm not even a stripper !!........Respect. (short joke pun)
_____It doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full as long as Lupita washes it when I am done using it
_____Sometimes I wonder how many awesome prizes I've missed out on winning simply because I'm too lazy to enter the code under the Coca-Cola bottle cap.
_____Having romance and tellin your friend over the phone that you're in the middle of something isn't totally a lie (funny romantic quote)
_____This status was constipated until everyone liked the shit out of it
_____i cant believe people are so always pretending to be someone else.. Have i ever go ahead and claimed to be superman?? Noh.. Coz i am Batman..!! (funny batman quote)
_____For people I don't really love: <NO3
_____I went to town on those beautiful breasts and magnificent thighs, now what shall I do with this greasy box? - me after a 5 piece chicken dinner from KFC (funny KFC quote)
_____That awkward moment when you spent hours trying to remember that one good joke to tell your friends... and you punch up the mess line!
_____I tried to rob a train old school, but they didn't have any money, so I shot the horse... Now I don't have any money, and I'm stuck with a horse with a gun shot wound. :(
_____Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so.
_____After all the times people have said I was boring it's nice to hear today that the police have classified me as a person of interest.
_____I think it's fair enough to say that 1 out of one hundred eye drops landed in my eye at one time.
_____I just got a request from my son who doesnt know this is me. Hope he likes my jokes about banging his mom
_____i get many pokes a day... But yours' is always special... ; )
_____I am working on a Bruno Mars parody. Here is a sample. I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad. I'll bang your mom and you can call me dad. Pretty good so far right? (funny Bruno Mars quote)
_____I'm logging out.... then, I'll wipe and flush. No worries, I'll keep FB open, during the process.
_____Ok no more jokes tonite about your mom. I have to take a shower before she gets here (your mom quotes)
_____Next time you get mad at your mom inbox me her address. (your mom quotes)
_____Just got back from my High School reunion... I celebrated by staying home, getting drunk and burning my yearbook page by page! (funny reunion quote)
_____I wish everything in life was as easy as your mom (your mom quotes)
_____The other day, I helped my neighbor clean his yard, I took all his split wood and burned it for him