50 Funny Quotes

_____The wife said she wanted me to do something to make her feel special, so I bought her a foam helmet (funny wife quote status)

_____I can make sandwiches while face down or on my back. just consider me the perfect woman.

_____Hey kids, it is easier to make a fake state liquor inspectors ID than a 21 year olds' ID, and a hell of a lot more fun.

_____I just opened an advice booth... and the answer is always "F**k yeah!" NEXT!

_____Kissing things better is for babies. If I'm sad you should lick me better.

_____I finally found LOVE!!! Page 803 in the dictionary.

_____I still think that if people put "what's on their mind" and were honest---statistically the most popular status update would be lust.

_____Just found out that Google searches stay on your hard drive forever.. Needless to say my PC will never be for sale.. (funny Google quote status)

_____Great news everyone, my grandma' turns 103 next month ................................. Maybe.

_____In a survey it was assessed that apparently 100% of the guys who have seen me with or without clothes wish that i should try wearing Cat-woman or super-woman outfits.. :-D

_____things you play with excessively sometimes break.. like toys.. someday it will be your p*n!s.. :))

_____i run away from alot of things in life.. Reality is just one of them..

_____Pop music wouldn't be so bad, but they want you to do so much shit. I just don't wanna "smack it up, flip it or rub it down."

_____C'mon facebook...just forty more likes and I can save that little girls life..

_____I'm not really into big b**bs, but sometimes my face is!

_____I seem to have this thing for people that annoy the hell out of me. I like to call it a b!tch slap

_____If you're getting the most incredibly smooth shave with a blade ever, put your glasses back on and take the plastic slide cap off.

______My wife says she is leaving me cuz i'm delusional and make things up. Stupid b!tch. Im not even married. (funny wife quote)

_____I just love when the girl at the pharmacy gives me head........and shoulders shampoo for my itchy scalp

_____A good mom will always make sure her kids have marshmallows ready to roast BEFORE setting daddy on fire

_____Look lady I most certainly did not see a "no masturbating " sign so could u do your freaking job and just serve me my coffee!!!!

_____When I was younger I had a 50 cent piece. Then her friend told her she isn't charging enough

_____I'm "Bi-Curious". I'm curious enough to stand bi watching two chicks...in REAL life!

_____I hate when I meet someone my age and I think they're older then me. Makes me wonder how these people see me.

_____If your mind is always in the gutter you must suck at bowling (funny mind quote)

_____How about that Time Magazine cover....yeah that kid when he's in his 20's is going to be at the bar...."Yeah, i've been on the cover of Time Magazine" 

_____Ever wanted to fry some eggs to make a sandwich but it starts to stick to the pan......so u end up with some lovely scrambled eggs!!!

_____Two things I hate worse than anything... Drunk people who misspell siht and I forget the other

_____I ate a box of cereal for dinner and now my Life is in the toilet

_____If someone does the right thing but only has one leg, does that make them a 'goody one shoe' ???

_____This status is just a test to see if anyone is paying attention to me!

_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!

_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!

_____I saw someone got both their ears pierced yesterday................I'm really shitty at darts

_____Ironic that One Direction goes both ways.

_____The older you get, the better life insurance you have, and the more my doctors tell me that I can not fly.

_____Now thats the 5th time I've had my application for the special olympics declined...it seem that there is no such thing as a giant dwarf :(

_____I saw a smart car on fire as I was driving down the highway... so I spit out the window and put it out.

_____You know all those "Terms of Service" agreements you skip over without reading... Well, you've just adopted my kids! Hey, whatever... I don't make the rules, read that sh*t next time!

_____Well work is now over and its time for me to partaaay!!...........and by that I mean read FB posts!!!

_____I just tagged you in a post and deleted it, because, I like having you wonder what I said about you.

_____Someone told me I was a very Purr-Swaying person... and I don't even own a cat or a hammock!?

_____I smoke flavoured cigarettes because regular cancer is too mainstream

_____There are times when I have more sh!t on my mind than a bug on a windshield

_____My dog is supposed to be my best friend, but that little b!tch would not give me a ride to the airport.

_____   Metaphor - somebody who gave up on meeting a ten and decided to be a bit more realistic.

_____In high school I made the polo team. I wasn't good enough to start thought so I just rode the bench.

_____Feel the curiosity rushing up your nerves as you try to figure the punch line of this post....  ...Now note the pissed off feeling.

_____I would love to have all the relationships in my life be as effective as ketchup. That sh!t makes everything taste better

_____I would eat a lot more salad if it tasted like a cheeseburger.

_____kids, dont do drugs.. Cuz you know i am possessive about my love!! (funny love quote saying)

_____they should just call it wastebook all the time wasted on it i could have read a good book (funny Facebook status)

_____my friend and his girl friend died today.. But the food in their marriage was really nice..

_____I'm angry like Hulk, but only my finger seems to be swelling from getting stuck in between the door.

_____I've got brains, courage, determination and insight. If I  would be a cute chick I would be unstoppable.

_____I think my mom enjoys the pearl necklace I give her for Mother's Day every year. But for some reason it makes my Dad so upset. (funny mother's day quote status)

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