64 Funny Quotes

______After much thought and consideration, I decided to consider the decision to give more thought and consideration to whole thought and consideration process (funny tongue twist quote)

______I tried cow tipping once but it didn't work because your mom has good balance  (Yo Mama jokes)

______When Life hands you lemons... I suggest you check the expiration date on that particular brand of cereal. (funny life quotes)

______Sometimes I stroke my morning wood...... to prepare it for the nights bon fire. (famous funny quote)

______  Just a note to all you teachers. Summer is half over. (funny summer quotes)

______Just watched my marriage video... I tried to skip to the end in hopes of finding alternate endings along with my own version of deleted scenes. (funny marriage quotes)

______Hell, the only ring my ex ever gave me is the one I had to scrub around the toilet! (funny ex quotes)

______How come all the nurples are purple? Is it a survival of the fittest thing? Were all the green and blue nurples killed in a volcanic eruption? More reasons I don't get much done at work. (survival of the fittest quotes)

______I keep telling my psychiatric that his services are no longer needed, because I'm not crazy. I'm f**king BATMAN! (psycho quotes)

______Hey dude flirting with my girlfriend, you might have the 'American height' but I have the African Length’. (Flirting quotes)

______I used to dream of success but now success is not enough. Last night I added a fridge full of six packs (success quote)

______I did not say I want to break up with you, I said I want to break you up, then I break up with you. (break up quotes)

______So last night I went through four magazines back to back in the bus...then somehow people grabbed the gun from me and threw me out. (short joke)

______ Isn't it a coincidence that I don't know the meaning of words? (coincidence quotes)

______While on my way to work this morning, I started to think....the lip gloss is just a little weird. (weird quotes)

______I'm organizing a smash mob. Where everyone meets up to punch you in the face. (sarcastic quote)

______Ever notice Mormon is Just Moron with an extra M? (moron quote)

______Food prices are forecasted to go up. Pretty soon cereal will come in an envelope. (inflation quote)

______Guess who's got an amazing sense of direction? That's right...─────> (stupid quotes)

______Although I have never officially been interrogated, I have ordered a sandwich at Subway so I think I am prepared. (Subway quotes)

______NOOO...I don't like travelling!! I just like sitting.....in a moving bus. (funny travelling quotes)

______The only good thing about a hemorrhoid flare up is.. the sound of your farts. :) (fart quotes)

______Oh you just want to come over and talk at 1 am? I'm sure it will be a meaningful conversation (sarcastic quotes)

______You notice the people on those workout shows have nothing better to do. (workout shows quote)

______If I had a head like yours I'd pull the skin back and piss from it (sarcastic quotes)

______You'd have to be nuts to be between a guys legs 24/7. (hilarious quote)

______My boyfriend is such a great guy. Sometimes I think my husband would really like him (great quotes)

______Like a good neighbor, this State Farm office has free Wi-Fi for me to use. (State Farm Quotes)

______Next time a blocked number calls your phone answer like this, "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. Can I help you?" (funny call blocker quote)

______I feel really bad for that hitchhiker, but then again he should of known he was worth 50 points (hitchhiking quote)

______So I went for a blind date at this skating rink...trust me breaking the ice was the worst job I've ever done.. (blind date quotes)

______If I invite you in, please leave your morals at the door. (funny morals)

______My cell phone calendar goes up to 2036....Wonder if Sprint knows something the Mayans didnt? (Mayans quotes)

______I think my ability to make myself look busy with more work than I can handle is probably my one and only super power. (super power quotes)

______If my name doesn't come up when you go to therapy, I have failed.

______Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. Its just a picture book with women b!tching. (50 shades of gray quotes)

______I am always getting junk mail and I open it right up, but there are no pictures of said junk (junk quotes)

______ Need someone to come help me smash my head in the filing cabinet. I can't do this alone! (funny quote status)

______I changed all the clocks to 5:00 and my boss is still a douche (quotes about boss)

______When prices rise it causes a chain reaction and my foot also rises (funny inflation quote)

______If anyone is looking for a lawyer for defective orthodontic work, I know a great one.....I'll warn you though, he works on retainer (lawyer quotes)

______Those born again people should have to bust through saran wrap or something.

______After I delivered my presentation to the board of directors the president looked at me and said, “HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING BEHIND THAT PROJECTOR SCREEN?” (funny presentation)

______If the man is going to hold me down, he at least should pull my hair or spank me. (hilarious quote)

______Time heals all wounds....well unless it's infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse. (time quotes)

______ Please. Don't feel threatened by my awesomeness. (awesome quote)

______OK learn from me guys. If plan on barging into your boss's office to demand a raise, wear pants, and don't be "noticeably" drunk. (funny boss quotes)

______My doctor told me I should start drinking almond milk for my health. I think I have a defective batch of almonds though....I can't find the udders (funny doctor quotes)

______I'm getting so good at looking like I'm doing something when I'm really not that I'm thinking about running for Congress. (funny quotes about Congress)

______ A good wife waits for her husband at the door to say welcome home may I take your pants? (welcome quotes)

______ You know.... "False information" spelled backwards is "Fu** you" (witty quote)

______Never take advice from me, you'll only end up drunk...... (funny Advice)

______I am currently accepting donations for a beer run so inbox me your credit card number and I'll get more (beer quotes)

______I would love to go down on a gay guy just once, just so I could say I tasted the rainbow (gay quotes)

______I always cry a little inside whenever people say that I'm too soft (great funny quote)

______Just saw a kid put his drink in the fridge so it would still be cold after he got done puking. He's a pro at this. (drink quote status)

______ Take a ticket. You are #1420 on the give a f**k waiting list (funniest sarcastic quote)

______Silly boss thinks I'm coming into work tomorrow......you just paid me and I got lots of alcohols (boss work quote)

______That wide awake song by Katy Perry always puts me to sleep (funny quote about wide awake Katy Perry)

______I have a thing for fat girls ... And that thing is called a diet and exercise program. (funny quote about fat girls)

______i used to be a psychotherapist.. Life has turned me into a psycho! (psycho quotes)

______Giving up doesn't mean you're weak. At times it just means you're too drunk and lazy (drunk lazy quote)

______Someday this flirty banter between us is going to reach a new level..........I'll be waiting. (flirt quote)

______It's always a struggle to get the first one off in bed, but it sure does feel good once both of my socks are off.

______What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions.  It turned out to be a book on chess! (101 positions quotes)


You May Also Like

26 Funny Quotes

27 Funny Quotes

28 Funny Quotes