49 Funny Quotes

_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite
_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)
_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)
_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/
_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!
_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....
_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.
_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?
_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!
_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic
_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot
_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)
_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.
_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)
_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)
_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.
_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.
_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.
_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.
_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis
_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.
_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix
_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul
_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!
_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)
_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal
_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol
_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.
_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble
_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.
_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life
_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)
_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..
_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk
_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.
_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.
_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts
_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!
_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me
_____Better late than never................ Period probably.
_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.
funny life insurance quote pic
_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.
_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)
_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....
_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....
_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"
_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets...  Am i forgetting anything..??
_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)
_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...
_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O
_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher

You May Also Like

66 Funny Quotes
67 Funny Quotes
68 Funny Quotes