46 Funny Quotes

funny girlfriend quote picture
_____I'm doing my best to keep up with my daily habit of positive thinking, for instance, instead of the word stalking, I prefer to use the phrase careful surveillance, it sounds so much professional. (funny stalking quote)
_____No honey, I will not cut the grass, god himself said today is a day of rest.........as I'm "working" on a twelve pack.....
_____If its an open bar, why are they getting so upset with me drinking straight from the tap? (funny bar quote)
_____I always talk to myself cause I give the best advice....
_____If your happy and you know it, get on your knees and make me happy!
_____I hate it when a woman asks me to find a strong man to open a jar for her... go find him yourself
_____I think my friends on facebook are stalking me how else would u explain them knowing when i am online.
_____Don't Ask Questions..FIND MY PANTS AND HELP ME OFF THE ROOF!!!!!!!
_____Yes mom yes... Everybody i talk to is my girlfriend
_____Some people write the most pointless status'.. like this one..
_____When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad........this may or may not be about food
_____I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.
_____If I only had one wish; I would wish that my wife didn't get half of that wish.
_____I'm pretty SURE, that I would get more enjoyment out of sipping toilet water out of a shot glass, than reading YOUR posts.
_____Marriage? yeah, it's a lot like tennis.  All about the back hand baby. (funny marriage quote)
_____I hope you know that when I post about banging your mom I am only joking.I would never bang your mom in real life. She's too nasty
_____I was having such a great day..... until I logged in and saw that we were still friends.:(
_____It's awesome to see people getting better at writing coherent sentences on FB. Soon, they'll make sense too.....
_____My doctor said I have never put that many checks on someones chart in my life, you owe me a pen.
_____If you have never rear ended someone just to get their address you are NOT a true stalker (funny stalker quote)
_____I think my friend is gay. I saw him working out inside of a Jim
_____I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria
_____"I don't know how to say this." - People with lisps
_____If I'm ever on MTV cribs, I'm pointing at my computer chair and saying "this is where the magic happens"
_____Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendy's back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.
_____All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing..I was drunk had money to blow.
_____i am so stressed that i have turned forgetful.. Its a pain.. Especially for the guy whom i forgot in my basement for a week.. :-/
_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her.
_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :)
_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?
_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.
_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.
_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.
_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (funny facebook status)

_____Chick at work said I should attend church because I swear a lot and it would be good for me. Yeah, I told her to fuck off.
_____Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like.
_____Honey you've never looked better(oh God did i just say that?)
_____If it doesn't kill me the first time... ya damn right I'm gonna do it again!!!
_____Just spent 1/2 an hour typing 2 envelopes in case you were wondering how busy I am
_____Working from home is great, but I guess when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.
_____I was pretty sure I knew everything, then someone told me "omniscient" was a real word. (funny grammar quote)
_____One of my greatest nightmares is when that girl whose status I've been liking of, start asking me why I liked it, why I liked it. (funny nightmare)
_____This new chick at work has a huge crush on me...*she hasn't received it Yet tho*
_____what would you do if i didn't know what to do but what you thought you wanted to do but didn't know what to do then why am i typing this shit.
_____How life fakes an orgasm..? My weekdays last for 6 days and weekend is for 1 day!! (funny life quote)
_____I must remember to put pants back on when I go outside to smoke....especially on the front porch.

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