45 Funny Quotes

______If you wake me up while I'm sleeping, I'll lay you out like a carpet

______I hate when its this late at night and I'm sitting on the couch having a cold beer and people come in the room start questioning me like......who the f**k are u and how did u get in my house

______FINALLY figured out why you won't go out with ME....  YOU, couldn't handle me, if I came, with INSTRUCTIONS!

______When I sent out that friend request your Timeline asked me "do I know you" my answer to that is I want to. (funny timeline quote status)

______The worst part about banging a fat chick is when your dad comes home early

______Just accidentally walked into a womens restroom but I apologized to all the women inside, one by one, so everything's ok.

______Dear people who underestimate me just because I'm completely useless, totally crap, and an absolute failure at everything I've ever attempted... er... um... carry on.

_____Someone texted me Hi the other day...I finally texted them back "high" today.

_____I will be tied up having a life this evening :(  I will miss you.

_____Half a joint ago, I had a really good status in my head..and now I have no idea what it was.

_____The weekend is here but remember Monday comes faster than a nerd during a lap dance (funny monday quote)

_____Hope for the best, prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse.... 

_____I bet Helen Keller would do well in a blind taste test (funny Helen Keller quote)

_____my doctor recommended me to try a drink called water.. Any idea wtf is that, i forgot!!?? :-?

_____What is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone!

_____Being in a relationship depends on one basic question.... Do you wanna be happy or right? (funny relationship quote)

_____If beauty wasn't as important Disney would have instead made "sleeping great personality" and "great personality and the beast" (funny Disney quotes)

_____ People who make food puns donut make me laugh

_____I saw my friend's name on a milk carton the other day. It isn't easy being named Skim.

_____I want to use instagram but I really shouldn't do drugs, besides I have a runny nose.

_____I just want to thank everyone who still understands a post with a typo. You guys are real class acts... and for those of you who point them out... Flunk you!

_____I don't believe in the statement same ol' shit, different day. My shit is different everyday; different shape, different color, whoever came up with that statement did not know shit.

_____Why do people who wear a TAPOUT Tshirt get mad when I put them in a choke hold?

_____I'm a very impatient doctor. I always run out of patience whenever a patient of mine dies

_____If you Google the word tardy you won't see a picture of me. I was late to the photo shoot.

_____Nobody likes me, nobody wants to be my friend, nobody wants me around...all I want is a little acceptance. ~Pain maybe.

_____Once my teacher told me You are such a loser and you will get nowhere in life if you can only count to ten!....you shouldve seen his face today when I told him that Im a boxing referee now.

_____There's a woman where I work that wears too much makeup, has big shoes and tries to be funny. I'm pretty sure she has Clowns Syndrome? (funny Clown quote)

_____I know a lot about a woman from the way she walks...like If she walks away she's definitely not into me

_____I think people who wait until halfway into their turn to put the turn signal on should not overreact when I pass them and slam on the brakes

_____I was going to post a picture of what I ate last night but Facebook doesn't allow nudity

_____If "b!tch" was a profession, I would know a lot of successful people.........

_____i prefer "high" as an important concept in all my relationships.. one night stands is a relationship too..!

_____I like my women how I like my toilet, able to take a lot of sh!t from me.

_____Complete and finished are very similar.. If you connect with the right person you're complete, the wrong one and you're finished!

_____I was looking at a crucifix and I remembered, I need to do something about this hangnail

_____So now your dying of cancer huh, well I don't think being a stupid asshole is exactly "cancer" but we don't argue semantics.

_____The only thing that's hot when I pleasure myself in the shower is the water.

_____yesterday was Cinco de Mayo.For many people today is Toileto de Puko

_____Dear Youtube, I let your videos load 100%, then I make it full screen and it starts over, WTF!! (WTF quote status)

_____So this is what being single feels like? Damn I miss this shit!! WoOoHoOo

_____Well, it took me a few hours, but I eventually found a woman in the club who would give me head for a Klondike Bar.

_____After being on Facebook for hours, I will find myself wanting to click like on things I encounter in the real world ... Mostly cleavage

_____Yes I've lost weight......if you find it I don't want that sh!t back.

_____It took my Asian girlfriend the entire song to figure out how to back that thang up.

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