44 Funny Quotes

_____I was thinking about when I met my wife. I'll never forget the first thing she ever said to me. " Stop following me, you f**king freak!!!"  (short joke)

_____I poked your mom today. Then I logged on to Facebook (funny facebook quote status) _____Wonders if when I'm about to go to sleep, the people in my dreams shudder and think, "oh no, she's back again!" 
_____I'm the kind of friend who will give a person a hug when they need it and a swift kick in the a** when they need it and I feel that the latter is more often needed. 
_____I'm going to succeed in business without really trying. By succeed, I mean fail, and by trying I mean taking a lot of naps. 
_____Facebook is like a men locker room at the gym. All the nuts hang out here (funny Facebook Status)
_____I'll go hiking with any woman if it leads to the trail head. 
_____You can tell by my calf muscles that I kick people while they're down. 
_____Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. 
_____I overheard a woman telling her boyfriend that he spends too much time on Facebook. Then she got mad, because I was ignoring her. 
_____I am rich, good looking and hung like a horse. I just wish I could stop telling lies _____Barbra Walters has been arrested in LA for stealing kitchen utensils. She pleaded, "It was a wisk I had to take." (Funny Barbra Walters quote joke) 
_____It is impossible to send a hug thru the internet but if you send me a topless photo I will HUG myself 
_____No, I do not want to go to my school reunion, I have facebook, I can see that you've turned into a fat ugly b!tch..... 
_____My wife said she's leaving me because of my addiction to Facebook, I didn't comment, I just gave her a thumbs up. (funny wife quote) 
_____Being on Facebook is like being constipated. I cant seem to log out (funny Facebook status) 
_____I tried to chase my dreams... but realized I had a knife in my hand, so now they're scared of me. :( (funny dream quote) 
_____I once dated a guy named Mike who hated to be called Michael. Then I dated a guy named Dave who really hated to be called Michael. ;) 
_____I am not a stalker!!!! I just believe in extensively participating in the neighborhood watch program. (funny stalker quote) 
_____I single handedly prevented a mass murder at work today or I gave in a smoked a cigarette, ever how you want to say it. (funny smoking quote) 
_____I saw a sign in the store that said pants up to 80% off so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( 
_____ jealous of the toilet bowl because i hug it more then him :( 
_____This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine........ Well Latte Da! 
_____For the past year, I've been putting all my loose change into a piggy bank. Today, I smashed it open and I now have enough money to buy another piggy bank. Result. 
_____I've been buying way too much alcohol from the other day... I think I may have a really serious problem.. . I'm becoming a shopaholic 
_____Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. 
_____Don't want someone to sit next to you on the bus? Easy. Just shit your pants. 
_____I'm going to stop asking people the proverbial question  "How stupid can you get?". Some people see it as a challenge. 
_____Make this conversation quick, I don't have all day, I'm a very busy person. And when you're done, close the door, so I can finish my nap. Thanks! 
_____I love all four letter words.....except STOP.... 
_____This lady asked me if I believe in reincarnation... Psst!, I don't even put cream in my coffee to begin with. 
_____I sneezed at my job earlier......... I then said Excuse me....I must be allergic to being good at my job. We all had a good laugh & went back to work...... 
_____What are you the wallfather? I will write whatever the hell I want! 
_____They say that watching fish has a calming effect but I been staring at this tuna casserole for like an hour and it has done nothing for my anxiety. 
_____What exactly is the geographical area where they laugh 'ahahah' instead of 'hahaha'? Do they chop off an 'a' or they add one? Or perhaps they read it backwards? These questions don't let me sleep.
_____My doctor told me you have 3 months left to live.  YAY! The governor told me that I was getting executed tomorrow!  In your FACE governor!!
_____Sometimes I forget that I'm not an actual king in reality......so that throat punch to the man in the liquor store for not bowing down to me was a bit probably over the edge

_____WooHoo! I just won $500 on a lottery ticket. I just knew buying 1000 tickets today was a good investment (funny lotto quote)

_____Whenever I'm questioning an important decision, I visit with my cardiologist. He always tells my heart is in the right place.

_____They say it is better to have loved than lost.....but if u ask me.........I'll tell u to fuck off and stop asking me questions!!!

_____Don't listen to what people say "Follow You Dreams"...unless you are a fat b!tch cos you won't be able catch up with it. (funny dream quote)

_____They say "misery loves company"...if that's true...where the fuck is my company?

_____I think tomorrow I will update my profile picture with a duck face picture of myself. :)

_____These tragic stories on the news would be alot easier to watch if the background music was the Benny Hill theme.

_____Your honor ,As far as I know, silence is consent.....and she didn't say ntn when I asked if she wanted to be locked up In my basement......................and I'm sure the duct tape over her mouth had nothing to do with it!!!!!

_____A pig with lipstick is still a pig. But for some reason, me with lipstick makes me the most popular guy in the entire prison.

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