43 Funny Quotes

funny poke image pic
_____I don't get why my friend keeps talking about his "Trophy Wife". "Honorable Mention Wife" at best I think.
_____I tried to express my feelings with dance moves but no one understood me. Next time I will hire an interpreter 
_____I had somethin' good to say but.. well, I'm kinda baked. Yeah, mon! :) 
_____I was in a very committed relationship.. till my wife found out.. now.. not so much... _____My pet rock doesn't look too well today. I think he's stoned. 
_____I may not be a taxidermist but I will still mount your a** 
_____I am wearing a hospital gown and my wife is wearing a sexy nurse outfit because that is how we role-play 
_____I've found that writing 'I know you wanted to keep it a secret, but congratulations on your new baby!' on a random friend's wall really livens up a boring Wednesday night on the Net. _____I post at least once a day... just to let my friends and family know I'm still alive. 
_____If you play the lotto while sitting down, you don't stand a chance. (funny lotto quote)
_____Somewhere in a parallel universe everything is side by side and the same distance apart.. (awesome funny quote status) 
_____I went to go jogging this morning, got all the way to the mailbox, and realized I was naked... and I had no where to put my cigarettes. 
_____It's a good thing that "Pokes" don't show up in the news feed... or your mom would be pissed! 
_____You guys should watch the Asian version of "How I Met Your Mother". It's a single episode called "I Met Her At Our Wedding". (How i met your mother quotes) 
_____I think it's been too long since I've gotten laid. I saw 262 clouds today and every single one looked like a you. 
_____I went to this fat lady and told her wow you're fat..she said tell me something I don't know..I told her:"salad tastes nice" 
_____I've just read a book on the tallest building in the world.......................................u should see people going all crazy trying to get me from off the top of there 
_____If you judge my personal life solely by how many Facebook event invites I receive, I look pretty f**kin' popular!!!!.... 
_____I am Mr. Right Now. True story :( 
_____I've decided that there's only one thing better than watching Nascar.......that would be not watching Nascar. (funny NASCAR quote) 
_____My boss is in a bad mood So I tried to lighten it. By holding her down and painting a white out smile on her face. It didn't work. 
_____I was beginning to get a bit drunk yesterday , at my 44th birthday party. Next year I'll stick to just the one , like everybody else 
_____why don't people stop posting their pictures in their workplace on facebook? Dear Strippers this isn't about you of course (funny stripper quote status) 
_____Bipolar????? NOOOoooooo...... I prefer the phrase "emotionally undecided". (bipolar quote status) 
_____Last night I was so high, I attempted to eat my bowl of fruity pebbles with a fork (Short jokes) 
_____I think those people that like to go out and feel the cool breeze and smell the roses and all that other nature shit ......have not yet discovered the internet and facebook!! 
_____Boss just told me I've been making a lot of bad decisions lately... I said, "It's probably just the alcohol talking." 
_____ I fell into a burning ring of fire, ya I was way to drunk for flaming shots. _____All I want is a car horn that says f#ck you! 
_____I never pass up a chance to hold bees. Cuz you know, beauty is in the eye of the beeholder. 
_____Is it just me or does whenever someone says premature.....u just feel the need to quickly jump up and say 'ejaculation' 
_____Hey I didnt mean to say her nose is big ....I just meant to say that she could smoke a cigarette in the shower.
_____I should just strap my phone to my hubby's forehead just so it looks like I'm paying attention to him
_____In YOUR case, stupidity is genetic. Sooooo.... now, you really can blame YOUR parents. Hope I helped.
_____I picked up a hitchhicker for the first time today just to prove what a bada** I can be.
_____I have a friend that lost 2 legs at war, I always feel like an a**hole when I introduce him as a "stand up guy.
_____Mothers Day already? shit, I gotta think of a good gift for Mom! I mean, I know what I'm giving to your Mom on Mothers Day, but I really can't give that to mine.
_____Today at work I noticed a sign that said "Why Do You Go to Work?" Under it on the large piece of paper I wrote, "It's better than being waterboarded."
_____I am going to teach my son some of the important life lessons that my dad never taught me, and I learned the hard way. For example, do not jack into the same sock you will be wearing the next day.
_____There are no good statuses... No bad ones either... Just statuses... –Buddha
_____I completely humiliated my ex's new boyfriend. I made him look worthless, weak, and girly, like he wasn't even a man. Then I realized my ex had not arrived yet and I had wasted the whole thing ... damn premature emasculation.
______I misread my stupid lease and moved out two weeks before I had to ... I hate premature evacuation.
______Sometimes I look at the sky......marvel at its beauty.......and realize I passed out on the lawn again......
______I think it is really rude that people around here will not click "like" on my statuses just because they are not funny, clever or original.

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