15 Funny Quotes

cute funny quotes

____The best way to guarantee that you get that important phone call you have been waiting for is to go to the bathroom. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny status)
_____If anybody is interested, I'll be signing books at Times square  from 7p.m. till I'm removed by security. (short funny quote, funny life quote, stupid funny quote)
_____If you trip and fall hard on your behind and your own child laughs so hard they cry before asking if you're okay, then you have raised that child right. (funny quote saying, funny quote about child, funny status)
_____That banana I had for dinner last night REALLY “hit the spot”! But I don’t run web cam…so you are just gonna have to take my word for it. (funny quote about banana, funny quote life, funny webcam quote)
_____I missed a period in my last status.. thank god I’m a guy. (funny quote, great funny quote, funny quote about period)
_____I saw a guy wearing ' 8 rings. He caught me tryin' to take a pic.. and I'm pretty sure he cast a spell on me and floated away. (funny status, stupid status)
_____If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because someone has been spreading some serious bullshit around. (funny quote saying, great funny quote, crazy quote)
_____What idiot came up with the concept of "going out to work" ? (funny quote about office work, cute funny quote, funny status)
_____My thoughts may be a little manic today... but I'm too busy to put much thought into it. (funny quote saying, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, "How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly? "I said, "Never, I always jerk gently." (funny status, funny masturbate quote, funny doctor quote)
_____If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to stop flirting with me, that will make once (funny quote saying, funny beer quote, funny status)
_____It's sad how I finally poured my f**king heart out to someone special, and all she had to say was, "Do you have any idea why I pulled you over (funny quote saying, funny chick quote, funny status)
_____My wife keeps calling me a f**k up.. I keep telling her that I am not a f**k up, I am just making conversational topics for the judge. (funny status, funny wife quote)
_____Imagine that you constantly have an epiphany but then lose that train of thought. Awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing. That's what it is like to be me but they tell me that my facial expressions are golden. (Awesome funny quote, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I enjoy making relatively simple concepts confusing by using obscure analogies. A bit like riding through outer space on a llama with amnesia. (funny amnesia quote, funny status)