42 Funny Quotes

funny economy quote picture
_____If your lover makes you an option in their life instead of a priority, it's time to consider other options. (funny love quote)
_____I would give more homeless people money but I'm always worried he'll just go blow it on sharpies and cardboard to make signs.
_____ Redneck word.              Artichoke. Boy, that was a stupid thing to do I artichoke the living, mess outta you.
_____The UK government has suggested re-using bath water in the current "drought" which I've done but my cup of tea tastes terrible.

_____Who says I am no good at this parenting crap. My girlfriend was complaining that her son was still wetting the bed, the electric blanket should take care of that after he shocks himself a time or two.

_____Whoever came up with the advertising slogan of "Have a happy period!" should have a happy face drawn on their forehead. With bullet holes.
_____my wife says i always embarrass her out in public  i don’t act weird or anything  its jus that i m hideously ugly!!
_____I don't mean to brag ladies, but I'm pretty much amazing in bed.....I can sleep for hours.
_____I have a dream that one day, all women will be judged not by their beauty, but by their ability of sandwich making.
_____Can't give a compliment anymore.. all I said was "nice tits" to a coworker. If he's gonna get so offended, then he should button up his shirt.

_____am not gonna buy Samsung Galaxy SIII since its a bit thicker,slower and smaller than Galaxy S4. (funny samsung SIII quote)

_____It's not true that all I think about is myself. Sometimes I think about you thinking about me.
_____My coworkers thought is was so nice that I wanted to sign Ms. Knowitall's going away card.  "Good Riddance B!tch" kinda snapped 'em back to reality. :) 
_____Sometimes when you turn over a new leaf, you may realize it's been lying on a huge pile of dog shit.
_____The only way I could ever love you more is if you were me. (funny love quote status)
_____My foot's about to become a huge part of your a**'s life
_____I told an off color joke at work, and my coworker called me a racist.....I wonder how he knew that I love marathons and biking?

_____If u couldn't tell by how I talk, or how I walk I'll go ahead and wear v neck t-shirt 3 sizes to small just to tip you off.  - Gay Dudes

_____I donated a kidney last week... OK it wasn't mine but still
_____I was bored while taking a shit so I grabbed this shampoo bottle.. but the damn security at the supermarket threw me out before finishing it
_____I sat behind two girls who were complaining about shy guys and how much work it is to deal with them. I would've said something, but.....Yeah!!!

_____Nothing beats getting paid to do nothing.  (awesome funny quote)

_____Wow, eating Lucky Charms out of your "bowl"... really is magically delicious! ;)
_____Sure I think you have great legs but honestly baby those are the first things I get out of my way. 
_____I had to break up with my Chinese Girlfriend, I never get satisfied. Every time I went down on her, I was hungry 30 minutes later.
_____my boyfriend thinks i do everything in extremes.. Shall i agree for a lesbian threesome or burn down his house.. I dont know!! :-/

_____Kind of person I have turned myself into I don't expect no likes on my posts. Unicorns don't.

_____My girlfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove her wrong?
_____when she said, "I can drink you under the table!" I thought she was offering me a Bl0wj0b and that's why my pants are down, Officer.
_____I went to a theme park yesterday... the theme was h0rny single mothers

_____I don't always practice safe texts but when I do, I'm usually on public transit.
_____I don't commute to work, I pilot a fighter jet and the cruise and volume controls on my steering wheel are missile launchers.

_____I really need to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up because I'm 100% certain this job ain't it.

_____I fuggin hate these two types of people in the world 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words that aren't actually there.....2) Hippocrites.
_____I've just ordered the personal number plate 'BAA BAA'....I'm sure it will look cool on my Black Jeep. 
_____With the present economy, bread and water is the new steak and wine. (funny economy quote)
_____When life gives me lemons I put my foot up its a**!

_____My rabbit died today... now its just "Some bunny i used to know"

_____I wish there was a way to notify the cars behind me that it's really not me, it's the a**hole in front of me!

_____My passive aggressive way of telling my co-workers to stop eating my food is putting up "missing" posters around our workplace with a picture of my sandwich on it..

_____OKIE.. I've stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer.. And another Facebook Night begins!

_____I have this condition which prevents me from going on a diet . . . I get hungry

_____I'm running for president... Write me in

_____I was talking to a chick in the bar last night. She said, "If you dressed better, got a shave and a hair cut, you'd look hot."  I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

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