39 Funny Quotes

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_____I tell my husband "your so handsome" He turns and tells me "you too" He so sweet. He didn't have to compliment me back, I already know I'm handsome.
_____Since arriving here on earth, I have come to the conclusion that since the beginning of time, no matter what the event was, a pair of b**bs were involved in some way.
_____Come on, come on, come here, come on... Sigh*... Come on, come on, come on, come here... Sigh* Come on, come on, come here, damn it come on, Sigh* Seriously? Will you come on!? Hurry up! Come on, come on, come here... Sigh* This is me every time I try to get my damn stupid dog to come back in the house!
_____My neighbor is very disappointed with her plastic surgeon but to be fair she did let him make all the decisions. Her mother taught her that it was impolite to pick her nose.
_____I am too nice to unfriend anyone. So I just post offensive stuff on their wall until they block me
_____My main goal in life is to find out what my main goal in life is. Er... that was easy (funny life quote)
_____I don't hate you..I'm in hate with you
_____For those who put their Text Massages as Facebook status.... "do you think only you are smart enough to have a Mobile Phone......??..,get a Mirror! and look how 'BIG A**' you are."
_____Roses are green, Violets are pink Rhymes are hard to find when you're colorblind.. :D
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue can I touch your butt cause I know you're gonna say you sure can do!!
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue you are so bad and i'm gonna kill you..
_____Roses are red, violets are blue... I'll kill myself and put the blame on you.
_____Hey, I haven't seen you in years...*walks away* OMG! THEY'VE GOTTEN HOT!!
_____This goes out to all the chicks out here.. I can be your facebook stalker! I can click away the pain, I'll be on your wall forever.. You can't take my mouse away.. ♥
_____Confession: I'm nt really a good speller I just type something kinda close to what I want to say and let my phone correct it (funny confession)
_____When faced with a difficult task...always find a lazy person, because they will find the easiest way to accomplish it.
_____And never start a sentence with a conjunction because that's bad grammar! (funny grammar quote)
_____Women and logic are three different thing.
_____My neighbor thinks I have been watching her. I have no idea what she stalking about
_____Migraines don't happen by themselves. They're usually coupled with obnoxious people. And having a job. (funny job quote)
_____If you won't judge me because I am single, I promise not to judge you because you've settled:)
_____Sometimes I keep Facebook open in two browsers to remind myself I'm worthless
_____My Doctor this morning:"Ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?" Me:"Nope." Doc:"Any idea why not?"
_____It's really kinda strange how my phone drops calls whenever someone calls to ask me a favor
_____Even the f**k that I don't give doesn't give a sh*t, which in turn doesn't give a f**k of its own. Questions?
_____When she said she was blowing bubbles, I had no clue that was the name of her lover. :'(
_____Whenever one of my post doesn't get any likes it makes me think you people are being judgemental
_____The temp job agency said that they found a perfect job for me! Where I could f**k strangers all day for money. I love being a gas station manager! (funny gas station quote)
_____That awkward moment where we're walking toward one another and I go left and you go right then I go right and you go left and then we laugh and I kick you in the groin and continue on my way
_____it's difficult to say what my wife does..she sells sea shells by the sea shore
_____I thought and thought and thought and thought, but I couldn't remember the past tense of "Think".
_____I think I need smarter friends. One of them asked me the other day which was closer to South Florida - Philadelphia or the moon. I said: “Duhhhh, can you SEE Philadelphia from here?!?” Idiot.
_____People who are perpetually positive, have obviously never been in a real relationship
_____Haven't even gone on a date yet and just got a text that said "Love You".. so yeah, we are so over
_____Well I'm just sitting here wishing I had something better to do than sitting here wishing
_____''OMG, your so pretty!'' -No! I'm not. (-_-) Listen b*tch, STFU & accept the compliment!
_____I'm sexy and I know it...just don't know why nobody else knows it.
_____Dear Creative team of Facebook, take a vacation. Not because I think you deserve it, but because even though it was Your Boss who approved the Timeline.. It was your a** that brought it to him. So for that, enjoy yourselves and I hope you get lost! Sincerely, not a fan.
_____Instead of a like button I wish there was a push button so I could push you right off the wall.

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