40 Funny Quotes

funny inflation quote joke picture
_____I don't wish to brag, but my cell phone has this function where you press a series of numbers and you can actually talk to someone on the other end in real time. (funny cell phone quote)
_____there should be an anti social network for half the people on my list that never post anything.
_____Ok so you went from being 'in a relationship' to being 'single'..I went from 'not giving a damn' to 'not giving a f**k'
_____There you are !!! We were just talking about you.... well, not about you specifically but about whores and hypocrisy. (funny whore hypocrisy quote)
_____are you trying to say that I'm not intelligent.....b!t*h...i went to the School of Hard knocks, University of Life (funny life quote)
_____I suppose one day I'll fall in love again, but I'm just too emotionally stable for that right now. (funny love quote)
_____Her... you have the biggest ego... Me... you misspelled c**k
_____When I'm high, I'll call some customer service number and choose the Spanish option just for the challenge
_____I punched my nieghbors kid in the face today and I told him to keep his goat out of my yard
_____My neighbor must of bought a donkey. She just sent me a text asking if I want to ride her a**
_____If you don't like my posts I have two words for you- WHY NOT?
_____Yes I got your friend request. I didn't see the "Whatever" button and "Confirm" didn't sound right (friend request quote status)
_____I know the exact button to push when I want my girl to disappear. The power button on my modem. Internet love affairs are the best! (funny affair quote)
_____I'd like to say something to all those girls who are madly in love with me, "Please start existing!" (funny love quote)
_____I was looking to buy some new sneakers last night and the guy at the shoe store asked if he could interest me in some running shoes. I laughed until I threw up then left.
_____If I like someone's status on Facebook, that's because I really really ......................................... want you to check out my status.
_____One of my favorite winter activities is wishing you were dead....sort of like all the rest of the seasons. (funny wish)
_____When your world is falling apart, when you need a friend, when it seems like things can't possibly get any worse, please remember....I don't give a f**k
_____What’s big round and hates you?  The world (funny hate status)
_____women buy so many shoes because they spend most of their time on their feet walking around the shops…buying shoes
_____Whenever I think life sucks, I look at yours and realize mine's not so bad. (funny life quote)
_____I put my pants on the same way all of you do. I'm just better at doing absolutely everything else
_____If you think I have nothing better to do than to sit around all day logged in to FB, then you are definitely my stalker
_____My mom use to beat me and my younger brother with a telephone.....I was always on the receiving end!
_____I always make sure to be able to live within my means..even If I had to borrow the money to do it (funny borrow quote)
_____‎"Life is test." and my grade is "F"
_____This beer diet sucks for losing weight... but if you wanna lose your job and your house... it's perfect!
_____I don't ask for much. But please, for the love of Christ, for my own personal well-being, and for the fact that you're annoying the f**king piss out of me.....please.....SHUT.THE.F**K.UP!
_____If I don't get a like within 10 minutes I check outside to see if the zombies have arrived (funny zombie quote)
_____You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list
_____If you think my jokes are tasteless, kiss my a**. That will give them some flavor
_____I would like to apologize about my nacho status joke earlier....I know I'm cheddar than that. (funny nacho status)
_____Should I be worried that whenever someone actually says 'OMG!', I feel compelled to rip off their leg and beat them to death with the wet end?
_____I just got a text message saying that I won a $1,000.00 Walmart gift card. But since I have to actually go there to use it, I decided it wasn't worth claiming and I just hit "delete." (funny Walmart lotto quote status)
_____I hate it when i meaow at cats and they don't meow back. Thats just so rude -__-
_____Wow, I must have super powers, just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would, but..
_____I am hard of hearing, with my earphones plugged in.
_____Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 350 words. (funny inflation quote)
_____I honestly have a fear that one day I'll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
_____I was out shopping with my wife and she asked me to hold her purse.I told her no way in hell...it didn't match my shoes

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