31 Funny Quotes

funny president quote
_____ Taking an extended break from Facebook. Be back in 15 minutes  (Facebook addiction quote)
_____ I'm not a fan. Or a heater, or any other appliance, but DEFINITELY not a fan
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I'm sorry, but the amount of alcohol I would have to consume in order to find you remotely attractive would actually kill me so
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I try to "poke" you gently but, my mouse is dirty so I have to slam it!
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There is about 1/8 of an inch difference between a friendly smile and a really, really creepy smile (funny smile quote)
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The only reason I friended you was to get the extra likes on my statuses. Now, do your job or get replaced
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Q: What's the difference between an idiot and a wizard? 
A: You're not a wizard (idiot wizard status joke)
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Girls, if your boyfriend is more excited about valentine than you, he probably has a boyfriend (funny boyfriend quote)
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I was going to work.......but then someone commented on my status!!
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I'm like an Italian cruise ship captain in bed. Always the first to get off.. (funny Italian Cruise Ship Captain quote)
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If you have no sense of humor and youre just going to report ppl all the time then b***h you should get the f**k out like a tittie on a drunk 18yr old at mardi gras!
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This timeline thing is a killer! What's with the tiny pic in the corner of a gargantuan pic? I'm not stalking your profile to see what a sunset or mountain range looks like!
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I'm so good...even my mistakes are perfect!
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If I rub up against your post, do you think you can make it better?
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If you're going to come in my office at night at least have the decency to slam the door so I can wake up and pretend i'm working
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They fed me hope, but I vomitted up lies.
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You know its a good status when you have more "likes" than minutes its been posted
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I saw two of my exes talking… It’s a cuntspiracy
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My wife seems to think she's the boss of me but once I've done the pots, washing, vacuuming, ironing and made coffee..... I'll show her who's boss.
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Sometimes you've got it, and sometimes you're like me.
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The first line of this status was not mine originally.
But this line is! :D
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Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 800 friends on Facebook
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I prefer men with very little self esteem...they are always much more grateful.
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If I were flying a commercial jet due south against a head wind at 80,000 feet on a Wednesday at 7:15 pm with 212 passengers on board then what in the heck were the pilots thinking
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I just want you all to know that when I read your posts, I read them in the celebrities voice you most remind me of
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I put the ‘toast’ in ‘toaster’. Then I take the ‘toast’ out of the ‘toaster’
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the best part about the day.. Giving hi-fy to urself looking in mirror.. Yay
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If u fall off a horse dust yourself off and get a car
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Waiting for my soul mate to suddenly show up into my life and start spanking me.
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if you're a quitter go to twitter (funny twitter quote)
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Well life just kicked me in the balls again...guess I'll stop dreaming about being president like they told me in grade school.
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She said ''In Love No Thank You and No Sorry''..so I punched her in the kidney...and then on the face.


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