33 Funny Quotes

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_____With the advance of modern technology like the computer, Internet websites like Facebook and Google have shown us a lot.  Shown us how many weird looking dumb f**kers are out there.
_____I know I just got back from my eye doctor appointment and all but look these are not artificial tears-- > :' (
_____Fat people drive fast because that's the Only time they can go fast! (fat people quote)
_____Wish some people would stop being useless and start being beer. (funny beer quote)
_____'love' comes from the heart.. But i suspect 'boobs' in front contribute a lot! ;-)
_____I think I've figured out why people think I've got a superiority complex. It's because I'm better than them
_____"Do not mess with me unless you are highly intelligent, which youre not, because if you were, youd know not to mess with me, which you are, so don't." - Me, three seconds before getting my ass kicked by someone not as easily confused as Id hoped.
_____You are dead to me!! ~ my speech statement whenever a guy friend gets married.. (funny marriage quote)
_____It's pretty ironic that everyone I see with a walker is a fan of tennis
_____I'm no Doctor, but I know Virginity can be cured.
_____I like the Valentines cards that say "Will you beer my Valentine" (funny valentine quote)
_____The day the music really died was the day someone thought Paris Hilton could sing. (funny Paris Hilton quote)
_____I can't wait for the timeline so I can figure out where I've been and what the Hell I've been doing for the last year!
_____I think I'm ready for a second career. My first career is unemployment (funny unemployment quote)
_____I never re post, first of all because I'm too lazy to copy and paste, secondly because I'm too busy flying my spy plane over your house in the hopes you'll say something witty and clever that I can use as a status.
_____Will Facebook allow me to use a naked picture as a cover for my timeline profile? I mean its all about art!! Also, its me in the nude (funny timeline cover quote status)
_____Lost my friend in the airport today, so I quickly took my phone logged on to Facebook and went to Find Friend...............thanks for nothing Mark! (funny Mark Zukerberg status joke)
_____Behind every great man, there's a woman who knows he occasionally likes to pee sitting down.
_____I stopped poking you 3 days ago. How long before this rash goes away? (funny poke quote status)
_____ATTENTION!!!! For your safety and well being I offer the following advice: Deeper, Harder, and Faster are NOT the best "safe words" to use!!!!!
_____Just so nobody felt left out, I "poked" your mom and sister too......
_____Tried to be an organ donor in high school...but the ladies said no.
_____It’s true! A picture is worth a thousand words. I saw this girl’s pic and I repeated "f**king ugly" 500 time
_____I went out this morning and got donuts for the kids but ate them all on the way back home....f**k them.
_____they say beauty is on the inside...well someone needs to turn my ugly wife inside out
_____Accidentally took an Ambien instead of a Claritin today. Should make for an interesting night at work. (funny drug quote)
_____if a girl gets 200 likes and 300 comments the only thing missing is her clothes
_____If you're contemplating suicide, call me, I can help.  I have guns, knives, axes, rope (funny suicide quote status)
_____I don't understand why people don't like me. I do everything I can to piss them off.
_____I was reading our local paper the other day....had a funny comment....there was no like button to hit...WITH!
_____Eight.... It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. No wonder my girlfriend shouts at me so much.
_____Decided to try being as honest as possible with everyone today. So now I'm single, homeless, unemployed, banned from our local church, pub and supermarket, and on the run from the law. Best policy, my arse.
_____I may not be the sexiest woman out there but DAMMIT I'M FUNNY and I have big tits!
_____I hate it when I meet someone new and they say "don't worry, I don't bite", ya cause the first thing I think when I meet a person is "HOLY SHIT that bitch is gonna bite me"

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