34 Funny Quotes

funniest comic_____I wish they put a LIKE button on the "People You May Know" notification I don't know you, I probably don't want to know you, but I like that FB thinks we should be friends (funny i wish quote)
_____Sometimes I try to extrapolate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean
_____You've got to admire the skill of pro athletes. Imagine convincing somebody to pay you a million dollars to play a game
_____Don't you just hate people who put random, vague and abusive statuses on Facebook clearly directed at an individual but without having the guts to say it to their face...You know who you are (top best funny quote)
_____I don't know about you but I get 'nervous' a lot

_____You really do believe in everything.. if you believe size doesn't matter
_____Sometimes I wish I had an INTERESTING, and EXCITING job like maybe being the person who test toys....NO, not THAT kind of toys!!!!!
_____I like to see the nervous smiles when I walk up to strangers to see if they will let me take a picture of them standing next to me.
_____Once I asked "Why do I have such bad luck with women?" And a voice answered "Because you're an a$$hole!" And I was like "Shut up mom, I wasn't asking you!" Then she's like "Then hang up the phone dumbass!"
_____I've decided that I am going to teach my c**k how to cook breakfast since it insist on being up way before me very day anyways
_____I try really hard to be as transparent as possible when dealing with women, but usually they can still see me and then I get in trouble
_____The only person who listen to both sides of an argument are the next-door neighbors. (funny neighbor quote)
_____I can't reach you from here so, do me a favor and put your hands around your neck and strangle yourself. Thanks!
_____I suspect that I only really have 6 facebook friends with 100 accounts each..
_____If a conjoined twin tells you that she loves you is the correct response, I love you too. or I love you two. ?????
_____What a weird coincidence yesterday! I asked a girl out just a second before she asked me to get out.
_____The most important and meaningful relationship you can have is the one with yourself. So if you excuse me I'm going to have "relations" with myself.
_____I take pride in never copying and pasting, or reposting, a status. Mine are all original and written by me. Which should answer your question - Why are your posts so shit?
_____naked legs are my favorite, i don't mind if the above parts are also naked
_____Trust me when I say ..... Oh never mind ... Don't trust me .... I'll fucking annihilate you if I get the chance
_____You should not trust me .. trust me (funny Trust Quote)
_____Men, there is only one thing you need to be able to please a woman...  STAMINA (funny women quote)
_____Don't say you're "addicted" to chocolate unless you have sucked a d**k to get some (funny chocolate quote joke)
_____After how many months of poking each other on facebook does it finally constitute a "relationship"? (funny relationship quote)
_____I appreciate that you have opinions, I just don't appreciate that you're sharing them with me.
_____"Nice breasts and legs, Oooh, I'd like a little of that on the side" Sexual harassment must be a tricky subject at KFC (funny KFC quote)
_____My boss looked at me and said; "please, get off of facebook and do your job!" I said; "dammit it's called multitasking........LOOK IT UP!" He said; "my God man, you're a doctor performing open heart surgery!"
_____totally ignored ... actually cuz i'm new here ... and that's how new comers are welcomed nowadays
_____i have finally accepted the fact that i have no life so suicide is no longer an option! (funny suicide quote)
_____They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but not if you take a picture of this sentence.
_____Listen honey, you may only be half my age now, but in 10 years time you'll be 2/3 my age. Stick with me and I'll teach you the power of math (funny math quote status)
_____I've got my phone sitting on my lap set to 'vibrate' in case you're wondering why I'm not answering calls right now...... But by all means KEEP CALLING.... thanks;)
_____I HATE it when girls….. have this attitude like they are prettier, smarter, skinnier and more successful than me….and they ARE (funny hate quote)
_____This status is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet (funny status quote)
_____I behaved myself once... it was a long time ago, but I'm still very proud

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